Reviews for The Night Shift
Luella chapter 1 . 10/4/2008
nice first chapter. already warming up for some action.

when i was reading this for some reason i was expecting some kind of death. that's probably because of your teddy bear story i read a few minutes ago .

can't wait to find out what the "one of them" is.
Bobby chapter 19 . 2/19/2008
The reason I mentioned dialogue out of it all was simply because it was the

one thing that kept coming bothering me at the back of my head through a lot

of the story. Half the time it sounded like Collin was hyped up on five cups

of coffee.

I did want to, but forgot to, comment that I noticed your reoccurring Mayor

Easter Egg (twa won dat dalks funny). I wonder how many more I missed.

Literary-wise, in all form of critiquing, you only had a few typos here or

there, so the narrative text was fairly easy to breeze casually. The

flashbacks might have been a little more subtle. It felt like the narrator was

picking up a section of the text that we already read and then shoving it back

in our face again to say, "hey, don't forget about this!" It was necessary in

this story to bring to light all of the important details you laid for the

readers, but perhaps maybe a comment by the main character (or even a memory

when he isn't talking to someone else) would suffice.

On the other hand, that was one of the things I loved about the whole story.

You seemed to bring all the information that had already been there and tie

together into a nifty conclusion. Mucho kudos there.
002fox chapter 19 . 2/19/2008
Terrific and wonderful ending! Bravo! Will there be a sequel? Or another case? These characters are well developed and the mystery was great to follow! Thanks for giving us such a terrific read!


-Again apologizing for not signing in... -
Bob Evans chapter 19 . 2/18/2008
Simply wow.

Well, you had one last surprise waiting for me. And I thought it was rather nifty that we got to hear your creativity process. In the world of authorship, it's rare that you hear the writer's journey through creation. It makes the finished product all that more rewarding.

I'm a little curious as to why you decided to continue the Strong to Save legacy. It was the last one I expected to see you make a sequel for.

So, words of inspiration? Perhaps a critic here or there? Well, the characters were definitely unique, and although the dialogue is still in need of improvement, it reflects their personality. Glad, at the least, that we got to see the happy ending.

Keep writing!

~Bob Evans
Bob Evans chapter 18 . 2/16/2008
What a clever cliffhanger. You've done quite a bit to set it up to this point, too. Of course, I stand by my original theory that a new suspect would be thrown in (after it looked cut and dry that Nick was the murderer), so odds are that it is Randy that Collin points to. Whether he IS the murderer is another question. It could even be Lisa. Heh, now that would be a plot-twist.

Alrighty, let's see what you do next...

~Bob Evans
Bob Evans chapter 16 . 2/16/2008
That's an odd way to end your chapter. We've never heard any part of the narrative told through Collin's eyes, this some kind of blog entry at his NetPub account? Or, maybe a mental recap?

Either way, it was pretty nifty how all the clues just came back together. I suspected something was up with the sign, and I thought it was brilliant how you connected it with the thumping sound. Of course, while it may in fact be Nick, I think you've been working up a suspense for too long to simply reveal Nick at this point. While it all fits, there's probably a clue somewhere in the mix that Collin didn't note or missed. And THAT is what'll lead us to actual killer. But who knows, my theory about the whited out paper was wrong.

~Bob Evans
Bob Evans chapter 13 . 2/15/2008
What if whoever whited it out was protecting someone from being accused of being the murderer? To illustrate my point, let's assume that Randy has a minor fling with Christine, and thus would be interested in her well-being. If she were the one working the shift that night of the murder (but wasn't in fact the murderer), then Randy might want to erase her off the records to keep the police from automatically assuming it's her. 'Course, that's a very limited view of the theory. You could put in any combination of people with any combination of motive, and said person who was whited out might indeed be the killer. Which also means they have an accomplice. Christine is starting to slip back into my suspicion equation...

~Bob Evans
BTN 551 chapter 18 . 2/15/2008
This was definately better than a lot of the other stuff on this site. Sure, it's not perfect - you shouldn't emphasize something with capitals LIKE THIS. Use italics instead. Don't put ... periods after question marks and exclamation points. Keep going and you'll get better.
Bob Evans chapter 12 . 2/11/2008
I'm pretty sure Christine isn't the murderer, but blatantly revealing her reaction in situations like that is basically just giving away too much to easily to the reader. Perhaps announcing her presence in that situation (like when Collin passed her by after exiting the warehouse), then, later tie her into some kind of reaction as the only person who could've overheard them.

Of course, this is assuming you plan on keeping the story going for a considerable length.

~Bob Evans
lil wolf chapter 16 . 2/10/2008
Plz don't say this is complete! *runs around panicking* PLZ CONTINUES!
Katie. H. 27 chapter 13 . 2/9/2008
This is really good! Please continue soon.
Bob Evans chapter 9 . 1/31/2008
I think it's a little odd that Lisa was dating Randy, head ranger, and as soon as he's gone, suddenly she's head ranger (assuming I've got the right people pegged as head ranger). But anyway, I very much doubt Randy did it. This feels like a distraction away from the real killer, but since I still have no idea who you're distracting away from, I guess I'll just have to follow it.

BTW, there's an interesting typo you might want to take a look at: Collin asked as if he was completely ignoring what Teneire just told him. “Would "Teneire" have wanted Scott dead for any reason?”

Huh. I didn't know Teneire was a suspect, too... :p

~Bob Evans
Audie Scott chapter 1 . 1/16/2008
I like where you're heading with this; you know how to introduce and "follow around" a character, how to create suspense, and how to rouse interest. Everything seems to be planned out, and for now, it's going smoothly.

Good writing, Audie.
Bob Evans chapter 8 . 1/16/2008
Interesting combination of clues. Although no one leaps out as a murderer, I still people that would be motivated to keep quiet. The question is, why?

And one thing I just realized, where the heck is this taking place? I once saw Reaper make mention in a review that you were a New Zealander...

~Bob Evans
002fox chapter 11 . 1/14/2008
Oh boy! Nice update! this mystery keeps getting thicker and thicker.. Hmm..
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