|Reviews for Stardust|
| Ivi chapter 1 . 10/24/2007
Three things I want you to do. First count how many words are in each of your sentances, and ask yourself if you are noticing a trend in their lengths (this can be really time consuming a faster way but not as acurate is to print the story hold it up to a window and underline each sentance, breaking at the periods, so you can see if they are the same lengths or varrieng lengths). Secondly I want you to scan the story and count how many paragraphs you have that are three lines. Thirdly, I want you to count how many times you say jeremiah.
I want you to do these three things because the main problem you have with this story is that it comes across very monotone, because your sentances are all very similar in length and structor and paragraphs are very similar in length. It makes it very hard to read and stay interested.
Also your first paragraph doesnt make much sence. I love your first two sentances but your third disrupts the flow and is unnecessary. Check it out:
"Jeremiah. He was no stranger to dreams. He dreamed now, vividly. It was so real to him that he could swear that the voice was audible to anyone around. Jeremiah Adams"
"Jeremiah. He was no stranger to dreams. Jeremiah Adams knew that they were dreams, even though they seemed real sometimes. He dreamed now, vividly. It was so real to him that he could swear that the voice was audible to anyone around. Jeremiah Adams"