|Reviews for Tom's Kite shop|
| ginzyfan chapter 1 . 4/10/2008
You have got to edit the spelling and grammar in this story; consider having someone look over a copy and make corrections. For starters, your dialogue needs work. You've failed to put all of a character's speech in quotation marks at several points throughout the story. Also, unless a character's speech ends with an exclamation mark or question mark, there needs to be a comma, inside the quotation marks, separating the speech from the dialogue tag, i.e., the "she said." On a final note, when you say "see-threw orb" in the first chapter, you mean "see-through."
| Mirutsa Ilayin chapter 2 . 3/10/2008
Neat story; just needs some style cleanup. First, I would definitely do some quick Google work and put in real Chinese names. Names, being cultural and personal, should match the characters' nationality to keep the verisimilitude of the story.
Good work; keep writing.
| Ginger Mae chapter 2 . 11/25/2007
Wow, this story is well thought out, the events all tie together in a fitting but gruesome way. I really liked it. Just a couple of unimportant things...
I think you mean 'array' instead of "an 'arrange' of emotions in the first paragraph.
I think you also mean something other than 'sulk' when Tom is bent over Heidi's body...sob, perhaps?
Also, the bold text that tells you where you are in the story..."(This is about Heidi’s grandfather when he was a teenager and a janitor at the shop)(All thoughts and speech are actually in Chinese)(Heidi’s grandfather’s name is Simon)" breaks up the flow a bit. Maybe you could work in the flashbacks without stating clearly to the reader what is going on. Put clues in the text to tell the reader what is going on instead.
This was a really cool story, keep writing.