|Reviews for Starbucks|
| Nemonus chapter 4 . 12/17/2007
The last chapter was very creepy. You definitly made me wonder if it was Leo stalking her, or someone else. This could go many ways now...
Ah, interesting. What I said last chapter still sorta stands, about please characterize Leo and Marriella more or else their motives are confusing (to me, anyway. I may just be dense at life. I write SF. You can't blame me.)
The end seems unfinished. But life is like that...it can't be wrapped up. It can't be finished. Then, the ending is as good as any. I enjoyed this story in general; twas a tense situation and one I wanted to see the outcome of. Your prose is quite good.
| Nemonus chapter 2 . 12/17/2007
"One year to the day we first met’" needs a period.
That's a cool way for them to meet! Again, quite good descriptions of people.
"waitresses voice" ought to have 'waitress'' instead.
"“I want my boyfriend back”" also needs a period.
I'm a little confused about Leo's motives in this one. You seem to emphasize Mariella's negative qualities (her beautiful nails cutting him was a nice, creepy detail), but you don't explain how he met her, whether he is really attracted to her, or why she is bothered by Kaia if she is, as she was from Kaia's point of view, so much more beautiful than Kaia. Leo makes an important decision here, but I've got nothing on what was going through his head at the time, except that he was daydreaming about Kaia despite the fact that he decided to be with someone else. He seems shallow as is.
| Nemonus chapter 1 . 12/17/2007
Good. I like the details you put in, whether of the people or of things like "another paper cup of steaming coffee that I don’t even remember ordering" (mind you, I don't think the 'even' is essential to that line and it might flow better without.) Tis free of grammar trouble, and the prose flows well, and this is a situation many people can identify with. I swear, if I had more concrit I'd give it to you. The only thing wrong with this I can imagine is that the "jilted lover" story has been done so many times before.
| Artemis Anderson chapter 1 . 11/2/2007
Wow..very well done. Loved it.