|Reviews for How the Selkie Steps|
| wishing.on.echoes chapter 1 . 11/27/2007
Alex McGregor placed his hands on the shaky, crumbling wood railing.
Why is there a comma there?
You don’t need one, it’s unnecessary.
The wind was cold and harsh in his throat, smelling like all oceans smell.
I get that he’s obviously near an ocean, but you need to be a little more specific.
What does wind and oceans have to do with each other in general? You haven’t introduced the location to the reader yet and jumping to senses without knowing where you are is a bit much. Most every story you read starts with a setting. Yours was against an old railing now it’s the ocean.
pressed her elbows and worn sweater into the rotting wood.
Be more realistic, honestly, who presses their elbows into rotting wood? Say she leaned upon the railing and the wet mold stained her worn sweater and dampened the air with its stench not that she pressed her elbows into rotting wood.
IMAGERY IS YOUR FRIEND!
Another attempt to draw new populations to an empty state.
This is an incomplete sentence and unnecessary it relates nothing of importance to the story. It’s just filler and you don’t need fillers. Your words convey that you are a bit scatter brained. As if your misspelled introduction didn’t give us that clue already.
“You’re thinking of someone. Who?”
The who is unnecessary also. Alex can reply to that without the who. It would make more sense without the who. Your story would flow better without the who.
In other words, get rid of the who!
Karen brushed her long blonde curls out of her face and into the breeze, curled tighter into her sweatshirt and laughed. “You’re full of crap. I’m your sister; it wouldn’t kill you to be honest.”
I would like to point out that you make no sense what so ever. Read that sentence for me and tell me what’s missing. Your job is to critique this not have other people do that. Honestly, you say you want to be published, perhaps write novels but as of now, you need a lot of work. You need to learn to edit and to see things from your readers’ points of views. I barely read any of your story and so much of it was… written poorly. There were some fine points. Don’t get me wrong, but you need to tone your writing and THINK about what you’re doing. Not just spill words onto paper.
I'm not the nicest when it comes to critiquing, I know and I apologize if I hurt your feelings in any way. However you said to be brutal, and I was. I think you have potential you just need to work.
| Smoky Bear chapter 1 . 11/7/2007
it was enjoyable and interesting - the concept is good and the visiual descriptions of the surroundings and people paint the scene very well. but i found my self a little confused as to why Mirram ran away from Sam in the first place, it seems a little weak there, you have alluded to him reminding her of scary things in her past but i don't feel that that part of the story was explained enough. its also odd that if Mirram had been visiting the wrecks then surely Karen would know about it? (you have also missed the 'er' off 'shoulder' somewhere but that is easily fixable).
other than those little confusions i enjoyed it, it beat working for the past half hour or so any way :-)