|Reviews for Guardian|
| ForeverCellist chapter 1 . 1/3/2010
I like it so far. _ i think you're doing a very good job on this!
the outfit your character is wearing reminds me of Edward Elric from Fullmetal alchemist. O_O
| FireInsideMyself chapter 4 . 1/9/2008
hey, sry i havent reviewed this lately but u know how busy things get...anyway, this is really good. Um...every know and then u have some mispelled words and some mixed pronouns but the storyline is progressing well. Cant wait to read more. -Salem
| King of Kings chapter 3 . 1/3/2008
Oh, poor Amy! Troy's good, isn't he? XP Once again, good descriptions of the action - pretty funny beginning. XD Not much else to say - although, there were quite a few more typos. You can probably find them with some good scrutinizing. ;) Nice chapter!
| King of Kings chapter 2 . 1/3/2008
Hey, back again. Excellent chapter here. Nice action; it all went a little fast, but I thought it was well-described. There's not much for me to comment on, but I think you should be careful with the 'he', 'she', 'me', and others like that - you have a few of them mixed up in there. This was one: '...she climbed up her arm and delivered a powerful chop to the back of his neck.' I don't think she climbed up her own arm, did she? I could be wrong, but...XP Pay attention to that.
Otherwise, well done. I like Aaron's abilities, as well as Amy's. XD
| Red Serpens chapter 4 . 12/18/2007
Why, Hel~lo again.
Good story, as usual; the transition from 'Yay I won' to 'Oh noes, my parents are DEAD' could have been slowed down a bit, though. (Not that I'm complaining... [maybe a little!])
I noticed few typos in the beginning:
'The lady Flora came and ssat by me. "Ou two dating or something?"'
[I'm pretty sure there's only one 's' in 'sat,' and I believe 'You' is the correct word.]
Also, when Aaron's going into second state (Is that the proper context? / ), you put 'or' instead of 'of.'
Toodles, and I look forward to your next update!
| AluminumMuse chapter 1 . 12/16/2007
Cool! Okay, a summary in ten seconds version of how i would review if I had more than a few minutes more to procrastinate:
Try cutting down on your sentence size. Limit yourself to 2 commas per sentence. A short sentence is usually stronger than a long, rambling one. Also, don't add a description unless it moves the plot forward or builds character. If you must give a physical description of the main character, try to keep it at two details. Maybe the lab coat and one facial thing. Don't get to caught up in what your character wear, or like to eat, or where they live.
Slow things down. Get as much emotion into every sentence as you can by using strong verbs and nouns. Have information come out via conversation. In the confrontation, let silence simmer for a moment before one party backs down. Really use the literal to dig for character development and jazz. Take some time setting a mood. Read some poetry, Milton or Poe or T. S. Elliot's 'Hollow Men.' See how they give there words two meanings? See how the writing even sounds like what it describes? That's what you want to aim for, even in prose.
And that's about all the suggestion I have for you. I have a similar story of my own on the back burner to studying, which I'd really got to go back and take my own advice on. So much easier to critique other peoples work than to take what I serve...
| King of Kings chapter 1 . 12/15/2007
Sorry it took me so long to get to this! ToT
Well, interesting, if rather an uneventful beginning. XD Now, I've pretty much learned my lesson about info-dumping (almost...:D), so maybe you could incorporate this into action? It would be much more intruiging if all this was shone - at least what Aaron and Amy possess - during their training session...-shrugs- I don't know. Whatever you can think of.
I, personally, look forward to reading more of this. Not much else for me to say...except I like the abilities you have here. I think it'll be cool to actually see this in action.
| FireInsideMyself chapter 2 . 11/29/2007
o! i cant wait for the nxt chapter! this just gets better and better! u mite wana go bk and make sure ur pronouns are set. u will occasionally switch he w/ she and vice versa i think. but other than that the story is spazztastic! -
| FireInsideMyself chapter 1 . 11/29/2007
this is very interesting. personally i like this one better than the other story u have written, the one with the moon. There are soem minor parts where u may have purposely or accidently (i dont know which) switched to 3rd person instead of 1st. I cant wait to read more, until then, may grace b with u
| Lardlax chapter 2 . 11/25/2007
Still liking it, and I'm glad this chapter isn't a wild infodump like the last one :D
I did notice a couple of mistakes, but nothing too major.
"sitting very opposite me" - I'd delete very. It's not needed.
Also, in the sentance: "I look over and look at Amy" I'd change it to "I look over at Amy." I personally think it reads better
You can tell me to shut up though :p
| Lardlax chapter 1 . 11/25/2007
I'm liking it so far, but I have spotted a fault. A couple of times the third and first person seem to get muddled up. The most noticeable example is in the line "she and I share a birthday, so got their guardians..."
Oughtn't it be "so got our guardians?"
Orher than that, I'm enjoying it :D
| Red Serpens chapter 2 . 11/24/2007
This story was very interesting, and I look forward to more. However, I /did/ spot a typo (Don't worry, they happen to the best of us...), or something that, to me, needs clarifying.
"The effect was very little, and he merely..."
I'm sorry, but that just kinda threw me for a loop. I understand what you're trying to say, but the words used were... funky.
Mebbe you could revise that? D
Anyways, now that I'm done poking your fic to death, tootles!
| Twilyt chapter 1 . 11/16/2007
Well, I have one thing to say: INFODUMP. Infodumping is bad. The whole chapter seems like an infodump.
They get superpowers at 16? So, we have a bunch of hormone-filled kids running wild here? Shouldn't there be some kind of school or something where they learn to actually control this?
So demons are EVIL EVIL EVIL. Okay. If you entrust your body to such an EVIL EVIL EVIL creature, frankly, you deserve it. What's the point in gaining supreme powers if you lose your body? Hello? Are people in this story complete morons?
Why would the demon spirits want to kick the guardian spirits out? No, because they're EVIL EVIL EVIL doesn't count. Also, if normal spirits can't harm demon spirits, why the heck would they need an army? Unless there are enough Holy Guardians to protect every "normal" guardian spirits, of course.
Just what are Guardian Spirits, anyway? See, the concept reminds me of Pokemon. Get creatures, battle with them in tournaments, except the poor Pokemanz don't get anything. They're owned completely by their trainer and has to fight to the point where they faint of exhaustion while hey, THE TRAINER IS A MASTER! ALL GLORY TO THE TRAINER who... well... stood there like a spoiled little shit and didn't do anything.
My point is; the humans get protection and magical parters, but what do the spirits get?
Nice concept, but still, horribly infodumping. We're not interested in getting it shoved down our throats. Find another way to tell us instead of doing it the way you've done.
| Tyrammafar chapter 1 . 11/16/2007
Anyway, you asked for a review, so I'll give you one. The only thing I noticed grammar-wise was how you will sometimes mix up first-person and third-person words, like saying 'their' when the narrator (AKA Aaron) is also included in that group.
So far, so good; but this phrase has two meanings. You'll have to write more before I can actually tell you what is going on right and wrong.
From the depths of space with love...
-Tyrammafar the Worldmaker