Reviews for War Starts on the Playground
bangming chapter 1 . 6/2/2010
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yuanyuan chapter 1 . 5/30/2010
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RuathaWehrling chapter 1 . 11/18/2007
Very nice essay! I've got no real criticism, but here are a few grammatical pointers:

1.) "As children we are believed to be weapon less" - You want to hyphenate "weapon-less" or else just say "weaponless". Either is fine, but it isn't two separate words.

2.) "She’s ugly, fat!" - In general, you probably want to avoid using multiple exclamation marks (and question marks, too). The second piece of punctuation doesn't add any emphasis and it makes your writing look less mature. I know it's a hard habit to kick (I used to do it myself), but I think that you'll find you like the look of your writing a lot more if you can do it. Oh - also, I like how you put the asides in parantheses here. Very nice touch!

3.) "This war wanders through our work places, poses threat in our parks, crusades through our cinemas" - Here you seem to be going for a parallelism built off aliteration (wanders-work, poses-parks, crusades-cinemas). That's awesome! But it struck me that the verb choice of "poses threat" lessens the impact of the alliteration because it's a two-word verb. It's not a big deal, but I thought I'd mention it.

4.) "they feel as if the enemy deserve to die" - Typo: "enemies deserve" or "enemy deserves".

5.) "there is not one person who hasn’t partook in the war" - Odd though it may sound, I believe "hasn't partaken" is the correct form of the verb here. (It follows the same rules as "take".)

6.) "Don’t you think?" - This sentence stood out at me, since it's the only one where the second person singular ("you") is used. In other places, you use "we" or "I", but I think this is the only place there's a "you". That alone is enough to draw unwanted attention. But more than that, ask youself: does this sentence really add anything to the piece? You've got a strong section here, so you really don't need to break it up by outright stating rhetorical questions that readers will already be asking themselves.

Very nice! For the record, I'm generally not this anal about grammar things, but the rest of your writing was excellent, so I thought you might appreciate some more detailed commentary. (I know I always do!)

Excellent work! Thanks for the read!

-Ruatha
the Stranger in the moonlight chapter 1 . 11/18/2007
This was really excellent! It made a vast amount of true and good points. Though I thought one line in the last paragraph was debatable. I don't think trying to stay uninvolved is the answer, I think we have to fight for the right side, when no one else will. But nonetheless really wonderful essay, write on!

the Stranger in the moonlight
Avelyne chapter 1 . 11/18/2007
I'm not quite sure how to review your piece, it was summary and title that caught my attention. I've never been good at reviewing but I liked your essay. I think it's a strong essay, compelling, perhaps. You made a good point :)