Reviews for The Rise and Fall of the Butterfly God
Written chapter 3 . 10/14/2008
sad! that girl must be rather ambitious if she's willing to kill someone she used to be friends with.

I like your style so far. and I'm not lost yet, which is probably good.
Written chapter 2 . 10/14/2008
wow, lovely! I like the way this piece ends; its so sweet.

I'm wondering what it means to be scattered. is that sort of like dying, but not?
Written chapter 1 . 10/13/2008
um... I'm going to just skim through this stuff, because I like finding things out as I go. is this necessary reading? I guess I'll find out.

I found you through FP_review. Here I am. I STILL think your title is epic, and I love what I do know about the story, which is just that it's a series of vignettes, which makes it a tad experimental in nature, I suppose.

I skimmed through this stuff here, but I'll probably come back and use it as a reference. for now, I'm putting this in my favorites so that I don't lose track of it. My roommate is going to bed, which means I can't stay awake and type away while she's trying to sleep. SORRY.

PS, love the part where you talk about how the BG doesn't show up in places other than beautiful meadows. hah.
Out of the Orange chapter 24 . 9/10/2008
As someone else pointed out, "The Rise and Fall of the Butterfly God" really is a fantastic name for your story - it's got an epic quality and is almost a narrative in itself.

I especially like the Butterfly God herself, somehow, and I can't wait to see how her "rise and fall" come about.

You've definitely got a Thing for making your characters easy to sympathize with. The narration and dialogue are pretty simple...also a bit conventional, but at least that makes it easy to understand. Sometimes the narration gets a bit clunky and awkward, though, and you have a few slip-ups in your tenses every now and then.
Jenny Rocker chapter 22 . 8/31/2008
"He who hunts for prey he cannot kill is destined to become prey himself." Wow, what a great sentence!

Even in these past two brief chapters, the writing is great and it really sets a wonderfully dark, ansty ambience. I do, however, look forward to some longer chapters in the near future? I can't wait to see where this story is going.
Jenny Rocker chapter 19 . 6/22/2008
I liked this chapter (meant to be)-very sweet. I really liked how you've embodied Min's complex feelings towards humans. How she finds them silly, and in some respects has little regard for human life: "some men did not tire of her. Those were the ones she wound up either killing for their obsession for her, because they would not let go, or she abandoned them outright." But in the same breath, she can't deny the attachment she has towards BOTH Caia and Alex. Nicely written.

I also liked the play between Delora and Zeras in "inevitable", while giving us a glance at Delora's manipulative and tyranical personatlity, it also gives us a deeper glimpse of Zeras' inner struggle-helping to bridge the gap between the Zeras we are introduced to and the one who danced with Caia when they were younger.
Jenny Rocker chapter 13 . 6/14/2008
This chapter "escape" was great-full of intensity and suspense! You captured the mood of the chapter so well, starting with the very first sentence of the chapter: "Caia huddled under her covers with the cool sheets pulled over her head, her young face smashed breathless into the soft down pillows in her four bed post bed."

Some of my favorite lines:

"Moonlight reflected off the silvery blade with a harsh, almost audible resonance"

"The heat between her fingers and the sword grew itchy and wet"

Such delicious description!

However, there was one paragraph in particular that I had a hard time following; I'm not sure if you maybe got so engrossed in poetic proce that you lost the concrete details of what was happening, or perhaps because this is a fast-paced chapter, you may have gotten too caught up in the pace. This passage I feel could use some further embellishment:

"Fingertips touching, feeling their way through the darkness, they fumbled and felt around desperately, yanking open the door and undoing the binds until they grasped the woven handle. Pulling the sword from its resting-place, she gasped again when the last impact finally broke the hinges. They dangled precariously off a corner before falling. There was a little tinkle of metal hitting wood. A shaft of silver cut through the night like a knife reflecting the moon."

Breaking this down, first there's this peice: "yanking open the door and undoing the binds until they grasped the woven handle." Okay, so I get the "door", but what binds? I don't know what binds you're talking about (because we're talking about a cabinet, right? If the door's open, what else needs to be opened?). I was really confused by the "binds" part. Then you talk about a woven handle. A woven handle of what? The next sentence goes on to say that she was going for the sword, so okay, maybe the binds & woven handle are part of the sword? I wouldn't necessarily connect "woven" handles with swords, so I was just grasping for meaning.

Next, "There was a little tinkle of metal hitting wood. A shaft of silver cut through the night like a knife reflecting the moon." I had a hard time picturing this, and had to read it over a few times before I even came to the conclusion of what I THINK you meant. After some thought, what I think is happening here is that the attackers who are trying to knock down the door have finally broken through the door; this "silver" is light from the other side of the door being cast into the room by this gap in the door created by the broken hinges-Yes? No? Maybe? Because the "silver" is not actually described as "light", I automatically associated the silver (which is also described as being like a "blade") with the sword. Then I came to the conclusion that the "silver" and the sword have nothing to do with on another. While I think the sentence is lovely poetically, it does not describe enough to create the scene. An example of what would perhaps describe this for the reader better: "A shaft of silver light cut through the room like a knife reflecting the moon." Something to that effect.

Anywho, just some quick notes from previous chapters:

"likewise"

I loved this description: "she drawls a teasing cadence"

"Perfect Manners"

Watch your tenses. You begin this chapter with: "Zeras has loved Caia since he was a child." "Has" being present tense. But the rest of the chapter is past tense. Since your story jumps around in the timeline, you even mention in your author's note that the way the reader can tell past from present is by the tenses. This may be a typo, but just something to be aware of. There's also a phrase in "escape" that doesn't gel with the tense: "Reach the balcony and you had a chance"-this is Caia talking to herself, so I believe this should be "and you HAVE a change", present tense, even though the action is in past tense. Did that make sense?

Oh, and there was one phrase you used twice in "perfect manners" that I thought was a little off. "He thrilled." This sentence doesn't really say what I think you mean. I brushed it off as a typo at first, thinking you just missed a word like "was", but then you say the same thing again. "He thrilled." As a stand alone sentence, this would mean that "He" (subject) "thrilled" (verb) . . . something or someone else. "He trilled" DOESN'T actually mean that HE'S the one being thrilled. I think you mean "He WAS thrilled", but I'm not sure. I just thought it was kind of odd.

Anyhow, this is getting better and better. I'm off to read more!
Jenny Rocker chapter 9 . 6/10/2008
I was immediately drawn to this story, first by the title (which I absolutely LOVE, btw, really REALLY great title), and second by the unique concept of weaving an intricate plot through vignettes that jump back and forth between past and present. In your author's note you make mention that once complete, you're going to put the chapters in order, which I was honestly disappointed about. I think the concept of jumping back and forth through time can work, and honestly would make your story much more innovative and intriguing if you can find that balance without placing everything in chronological order. Just my opinion. Obviously, I haven't read very far through the story yet, so it's hard for me to give concrete advice on the plot and order in regards to the BIG PICTURE, but just my initial reaction.

That said, though, I will admit that I had very little stock in this story until this chapter (9 - "Genesis"). This is the first time that I feel your reader has been given a chance to delve into these characters, and they are extrememly engaging once given the chance to get to know them. Off the bat, your writing impressed me. Your prose is so poetic that some of the smaller passages feel more like peotry. Other passages, however, I feel are unnecessary until you're willing to give the readers more than a cursory glance. The first few chapters feel like you're forcing yourself to introduce your characters to the readers. For instance, the chapter "the light of god", it seemed a little random, and honestly unnecessary. I feel you could slip this little passage into a longer scene that perhaps deals with Caia and/or Min. In and of itself, it doesn't say much to me. And when you jump so quickly from one character to the next, I, personally, have a hard time connecting with any of them. Another vignette that I didn't think was necessary was "the world is not enough"; I felt it didn't really tell us much about Delora that we couldn't draw from the chapter introducing her and her brother Zeras.

Altough, with that in mind, I think the teeny tiny chapter introducing Autumn (memories at sea) was both beautiful and haunting, even more so BECAUSE of it's brevity, and the fact that she's then mentioned in another chapter focussing on Alex that kind of brings up why we were introduced to some strange girl floating in water . . .

The opening chapter is a solid opening as well-it works well as a shortie.

And back to "Genesis", I really loved this chapter and the interaction between Alex and Caia. Especially adorable in its awkwardness, I think you captured this perfectly.

Just a couple quick notes on a few of the passages:

In "twisted", the last chapter of the first paragraph: "Whatever annoys her usually annoys him so if Delora notices the annoyance first before he does, he’s sure it probably would have annoyed him as well." I think this is unnecessary, and feels a little redundant. I would end the paragraph with this sentence: "If Delora decides someone is annoying and sends him out to assassinate them, he’ll do it, especially if a couple of other causalities can happen along the way, so much for the better." Period. End it and move on.

In "Alpha":

“It was beautiful,” she murmurs softly, gently. “It would have been.”

He looks across the wasteland, avoiding her gaze. “No,” he replies, “it never was.”

I totally did not get this. WHAT was beautiful/never was? I didn't get it. Nor did I get how Alex randomly meets Caia in a battle field (who, based on the next chapter, he's actually met before . . .). The line in this chapter "When he meets Caia in the middle of the abandoned battleground, her beautiful ivory royal garments muddied with blood and ashes, he realizes this is where he needs to run." seems a little abrupt. Her name is mentioned in this sentence-does he know it's her? I was really confused here; and maybe I'm supposed to be at this point in the plot, I don't know.

Anyhow, I'll shut up now. I really do love your writing style and despite the fact that I said you jump around too much with your scenes, I do like the concept, and think that it is working well so far with many of the chapters.
Insomniac247 chapter 15 . 2/16/2008
I've never really before read a story done in this fashion; the vingette style, so I wasn't sure how I would receive it.

Honestly I was surprised at how interested I became in some of the characters. There is no doubt that I could become more immersed in the characters through a more formal story format, but something about the snippet/snap shot views of this world and its people you've created lends unique-ness and charm that the story might not have otherwise.

That said I'm not sure what you have planned for this in the future, but I'm interested to see its development.
Salienah chapter 11 . 12/14/2007
Your writing is so graceful. I love it. :) Just curious, why did you decide to write this in vignettes? I'm writing a story right now that's just all vignettes. I started it that way to ease back into writing after a 4-year haitus (college) without worrying about the structures of a full novel. When you go back to put them in order, are you going to fill in the gaps or just leave it as is?
Akhenaten chapter 8 . 11/21/2007
Those were awesome! I wanted to leave a glowing review after the first one-but I couldn't bring myself to stop reading! Your writing is very good, and the plot is well-developed. usually people on this site have a good plot OR writing skills, but you seem to have both :). Kudos!

Are you planning on writing a full story, or doing the whole thing in the short things? Either way, I look forward to reading more!
NearlyPrescient chapter 6 . 11/20/2007
I've got to say, you're a genius.

I wasn't really expecting to open and like, hell, I didn't even want to read it, but I felt like I had to. I wasn't expecting much.

It was pretty obvious on your author note page that you've got a well developed story. The character's have motivations, they have thoughts and emotions. Your world is fleshed out, the politics of emotion ruling over it.

I wasn't exactly sure going into it what a vignette was; I admit that I was taken aback, nearly disappointed when I realized.

But, see, your well developed story doesn't take badly to vignette form; it's just that it seems your story is much more developed than would ever be apparent through simply reading it in vignette form.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing; I've toyed with vignette style pieces myself. I'm not condemning, nor am I condoning.

This is simply an observation I've made.

As for the writing its self, it's beautiful. There are issues, of course, grammatically, and maybe typographically. There are things that don't run quite so well together.

But its all well done. You manage to put in emotion; you don't necessarily say what the person is feeling. It's hard to describe what you do well exactly, its something that can't really be put into words.

Want me to put in words the best that I can manage? Your a genius.
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