|Reviews for The Lunar Chronicles|
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 2 . 4/19/2008
"She snapped up instantly, trying to kill her assailant" She's just been knocked unconscious, wouldn'tshe have a headache or been disoriented or something? Assuming that she could pop up and start killing, isnt there any other word you could use besides "kill"? Something like "trying to swing a fist.." or something so we can see a little off what is going on?
"then I death the poisoned half and die" .. o.O?
“Will you please just pass out already?” is really cheesy. Really.
So is the LONG detailed explanation of all the cool stuff she just did. Really. Why don't you let us SEE her getting a message on the computer... when she bends over him to take the keys and stuff, if she said something like, "Guess you missed the one in my dress," to him then skips out... it would be better. There is no need of a detailed explanation. If we can't just TELL without having to be told everything, then... I dunno, it's not worth even putting in there.
You don't need to tell us he's trying to sound macho. If it had its effect, we would notice. I notice him trying to sound like a stereotypical villian and succeeding. XD
Again, tons of action. It reads like a cartoon. Your sentences almost all star with "She" and the "orb of light to him... gun thing back... another orb of light... look another orb of light..." it gets kind of old. You have all of this stuff in there, like the diamonds and the Reality Jewel or whatnot... but like, you're springing all this on us - we have no idea what this stuff is beforehand. It's like ACTION ACTION ACTION - look something you don't know! It could be so much better. You have an intriguing world here with each of the planets/moons having this whole elaborate system behind them.. it could be so interesting if you worked into it gradually, or explained some of it before launching into action.
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| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 1 . 4/19/2008
So.. I think you could have done a much better job at naming things. In the first paragraph we have "Moon Treasures", "Great War" and "Luna". Despite the fact that it already reminds me a lot of Sailor Moon with the moon princess who uses some kind of powerful treasures... I think you could have done better with the names. :(
The Martians leapt up to meet her, their red skin seeming to emit a faint glow in the faint light of the moon. - In this sentence, and the one after, combined, you say "faint" three times. Is there no other word to use?
Interesting the Mage is a woman. I wouldn't've thought that.
The people from Mars create fireballs in their hands? Now it really sounds like Sailor Moon.
A lot of your sentences start out with "She". Add some variety :D
"Although she has no wings, the powerful magic that was infused with the cuff enabled flight." you switched verb tenses in the middle here. How about "She had no wings"
"I landed to see a half-dozen.." woah now? Who in the world is I?
I like how you described the earthlings, haha.
It is incredibly odd that all of the characters so far have been female. Are there no males at all? They do typically make up half the population of a place...
She uses magic a lot. For like, everything. It never seems to take a toll on her ... doesn't she have a limited sourced of magic power, or something? Surely it is draining to use magic, just like it's draining to exert physical power.
This is an interesting chapter that gives a lot to think about. It's kind of exciting, but there isn't ENOUGH action to make it really so. There is a ton of names, species, etc. for us to keep straight here in the first chapter. You could simply describe what the beings look like and then later fill us in on the politics of it all. It would flow better and be easier to follow that way.
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| Frightfully Unaware chapter 1 . 4/10/2008
I'm a little concerned that this storyline is so cliched. The fact that you made her the most powerful mage didn't help. I like her personality, and i like the descriptions, but your doing that thing where authors simply tell the story like a police report. Instead of saying "she trusted in her magic" you might say "Luna jumped off the great dragon's back, eyes closed and thoughts focused on her mission. She wasn't sure why this was happening, but she knew that she couldn't stand idly by as her home was destroyed. She landed in clowd of silver dust, miraculously on her feet."
If you take one sentence and expand it does wonders for your story. Also: beware passive voice! Sentences like "she had flown...she had known...they have fought-or- the lights were turned on...the martians were defeated.." make your paragraphs boring.
one more thing to nit pick at: "Consider it done, my liege" If luna is a chick, then she should be called lady not liege. liege is masculine, and it confuses the reader about her identity as a person. So, unless she's one of those too stubborn, tomboyish, persistent to be as masculine as possible, rebellious princesses; I would stick with "Consider it done, my lady"
Going back on the whole, she's the most powerful mage thing, that's fine as long as someone states it. If the narrator says it then the story is too typical. You would be safer if an adversary said it or if she confronted the treefolk woman by saying, "As you know, I have great power on the moon. I hope you are prepared for a fight."
I do admire your zeal for writting and i hope you did not take offense at my criticisms. Everyone can write, but i want to help you become a better writter.
| Suren X chapter 2 . 3/18/2008
Luna is Awesome! she reminds me of princess Zelda. except she kicks all the ass instead of link. lol. the Luna in my story isn't as goody two shoes. lol
| Red Serpens chapter 4 . 1/11/2008
Yay for more action! D
Umm, I don't think I spotted /too/ many mistakes, but I tend to skim when I read, so... Yeah.
"...couple finally started kissing..."
I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be 'stopped.' There's one other typo I saw, but I can't find it...
Looking forward to the next chapter!
| FireInsideMyself chapter 4 . 1/9/2008
lmao! that is freaking hilarious. wow. i love it! cant wait to read more. -Salem
| FireInsideMyself chapter 2 . 11/29/2007
wow. very good. i luv how u keep Luna looking like shes extremely clever and smart, and im STILL jelus abotu how good u r with the action. um, what did the diamond do? could u explain? or do i hafta wait until the nxt chappie to find out? ttyl. and may grace b with u. P
| FireInsideMyself chapter 1 . 11/29/2007
very good and very original. im jelus becuz of the action u have alredy in there. *pouts* but oh well. Oh, and u have a paragraph where it switches to first person; u mite wana check that out or tell me y its there if its supposed to be...
anywayz, very good. now on to the nxt chapp!
| Patrick007 chapter 1 . 11/27/2007
Good story. If Earthlings are like Trents, does that mean there aren't any humans? Anywho, this was a really good start. Keep up the good work.
| Red Serpens chapter 1 . 11/24/2007
Hmm... I didn't see much to correct, but there /was/ a part in which you seemed to have accidentally misplaced a word.
"I landed to see..."
Perhaps you intended to replace the I with something else...?
Goo-bye! see ya next time!