i like this so far. update soon! i like rain, and the interaction with him and olivia

Suggestion? More Rain. I love his character so much.

Can't wait to read the part when Olivia trains with him. I have a feeling it's going to be HOT!

So there was quite a bit that needed to be fixed in the departments of grammar. That is not to say that I liked the chapter any less because I LOVED it. But. . . here are a few of the things that I found.

". . .also became one of her best friends. . . " is wrong, ". . . also become one of her best friends. . ." is right.

". . . this to reinstate her point." should be, ". . . this to reiterate her point."

Do you mean "unthinkable" or "unlikely?"

". . . she went out like a light." should be, ". . . she was out like a light."

Between the lines of "A black sedan. . ." and ". . . went out like a light." there should be a separation of some kind like "x" etc.

". . . looked good for kissing. . ." is COMPLETELY out of context, or language use. It changes the tone completely and takes away from the "seductive danger" of this "man."

"fucken" should be "fuckin' "

". . .and everything." is out of context of the rest of the dialogue.

Slightly confusing when it came to their conversation between her and her friend. What in goodness sake? Background information would be good so that the reader can fully understand what is going on. Who is this random guy who is living with her dad? It does not make sense to the reader in the slightest.

How would she have thought of escaping if she was pricked in the back of the neck? You should say something about her just passing out. No "thoughts of escape" because how could she be thinking of escape if she did not know what was going on?

It was interesting how you showed the two interacting in the first place. When they were first meeting. But something that you might want to look into is your use of sophisticated language during certain sections and then colloquial (or slang) in other sections. It is confusing the reader because of the change constantly.

I really liked this chapter. Maybe a little bit more action to hold the reader in. Keep up the good work!

~Dark Angel

Make sure you put a break between the two with "x" or something like that. So then it will be less confusing for the reader.

"We're getting to our desitnation real soon." should be "We will be reaching our destination very soon."

So far so good. A little bit odd when you change to different scenes (even with my glasses it's still hard to see the elipses you put in for scene or location change (perhaps bold it?)

I see the story going somewhere! Update soon and I'll try to review :)

Hm. . . well the chapter is so short. Maybe it is just the font that I am looking at it in. But maybe you could do a little more elaboration between chapters in order to make them longer.

Make sure that you check for typos. "Anythiing" is incorrect. "Anything" is correct.

Also, on another note make sure that you do not weigh the reader down with too much detail at one time. The way that the first few paragraphs are worded are hard to get through. This is because you are throwing detail after detail at the reader. Maybe you should try to span it over more than just those few paragraphs. An example would be that you mentioned her best friend saying what he thought of her but you did not elaborate on that and just continued with the information that was given, this made me lose the fact that she HAD a best friend.

Just a thought. . .

~Dark Angel

Wow! That was really good! So chocked full of emotion. . . it really makes you feel connected to the main character. Where is the kidnapping? Maybe in coming chapters?

~Dark Angel

ok, why dosnt she rebel or at least try to be more dificult?

I know it sound ridiculous but that kind of what i would do.

I mean how dare her father comes and demands she be the perfect trading bargain, for i guess thats what he intends her to be..?

uPDATE!

awesome chapter!

poor olivia (

hey you know you said its moving at turtles pace i dont mind that becuase you kow that you are getting the infomation in and its good.

if breakfast is served at 7 and 10 am then why in this chapter is it being served at 9 i thought that was weird but besides that i really cant think of any thing else

an i cant wait for the training session with rain i think it might be ammusing but such a long time till the next update im gonna cry that not fair i really want to know what going to happen

and dont speed it up ok we like it they we it is becuase we know that you are tinking this over and not just throwing any old idea to together o

Jez

update soon pls

Review for chapter 4

much better.

Can't wait to read the next chapter. Love it

o yes what is she thinking :) very good i like it olivia seems older than she is which is a good thing i think keep going i cant wait for the next bit

great chapter

thing I would like it comment about is the chapter need to broken up. You need to put something up to seperate the scenery when we're with Olivia and when were with Angie. It's a little confusing. Maybe put a line or something.

Other than that I love it. It's a great story. real good.

I like where the story is going, its got tons of potential . I wonder why its not safe for her to live 'in the open' anymore, and will her friends come to rescue her? hm so much to wonder about. Hope you continue this story! Cause I can't wait to read more.

awesome chapter ) loving the theme of this story...