|Reviews for Transparency|
| insomniac chapter 1 . 2/10/2009
i really love your idea! you really presented her skewed perception very well, and i have a feeling i'm going to be channeling your writing very soon. haha.
| Written chapter 1 . 11/24/2008
I was confused throughout... took me two read throughs, but it was worth it.
| Anonymous chapter 1 . 1/4/2008
This was... amazing. You truly have a talent. Nothing else to say.
| Winter Ashby chapter 1 . 12/13/2007
I really, really don't even know where to begin with this. This was amazing. And it was ANGSTY! (And you said you were bad at angst. What a liar.)
It was completely original, totally out-of-the-ordinary. I can't believe your mind came up with this. I want more. I want all the missing days and years that Katie's lived through.
Every time I read something you write, I'm impressed. But I'm particularly impressed with this. The emotions come across perfectly. I felt what Katie did. That is a very rare talent. And you have a natural cadence for words, sentence and paragraph structure. Everything flows, everything just helps me drift along on the story.
You have developed your own, unique voice. And it's really different than most other authors. I think it sounds a little like mine, kind of broken thoughts and fragments. I love that style, I love reading and writing it. So this was magnificent.
I loved all the character names. I suck at names. But yours were great. I loved Cole.
Some of my favorite parts were:
"Running ahead, everyone leaves father and daughter alone, without a coin to operate them." What a great metaphor. I know exactly what you mean.
"He dabs at her skin with a cotton ball, and pulls back red." This was an interesting way to describe it.
"Underneath an oak tree in the school front yard, she feels alive from the inside out." O_O totally in love with this line.
The entire section on Rhonda's phone number. It was fantastic, memorizing the number of lines, the curve of her name (that was a little later on, but still... so good.)
I really liked: "All she can think is she’s dying, she’s dying, she’s dying." Good use of the repeating thing.
"Rhonda’s mother’s face is stuck like tire marks against the street. / The story stretches on for a couple of feet and stops." GREAT SIMILIE.
"He drops his lit cigarette into the grass. / Her eyes stick to it. It shrivels up and the grass bows down towards it. She stomps on it, hard." The description of the grass bowing towards the flame was... utterly perfect.
"He never stopped loving me. But he stopped loving you." A very powerful line.
And the way she dissected the frog without touching it. Ms. Froggie. (he he he)
I liked the way the story developed. The way Katie grew. The introduction of the characters, Cole, Rhonda, her parents. They were all well defined, three dimensional characters. They had personality. Things I could identify with, things that drew me to them. All very well defined. Any one of them could easily have been stand-alone characters.
You did a fantastic job both describing her power, and explaining it, in her own words at the end. Sometimes Sci-Fi stories are hard to follow, because of all the fantasy. But in this case, it didn't get it the way at all. I still think of this, very much, as a character piece. But even so, there was no mystery about what she could do. And the way you described seeing the insides of people, Rhonda's mother with the bruises on the inside. Fantastic. Very poignant. This whole things was poignant.
"“I’ll fix soup or something,” Rhonda says, staring at her as if she knows she knows." The relationship between these two is strange, but it works. It's completely credible. There's no doubt in my mind that this friendship works. That's a very hard thing to convey in words, the way two people are around each other, and you managed to paint a clear picture of it.
There were some areas that needed a little work. The repeat thing that you do, I really liked it. But it's a strong device, and should be used sparingly. ( .Again) that thing. I think you used it about 3 times too many. I don't know which times, I just felt like there was about 3 times that it didn't really needed to be used, and got a little distracting.
You have also developed the bad habit of mine. Wordiness. Using too many articles and adverbs. 'has', 'a', and 'is'. Just read through, and you can catch how many times you used it. Especially 'had' it's a very passive thing to use. It takes away urgency from the story.
For example: "Cole had written the last sentence." Consider instead, "Cole wrote the last sentence." The 'had' makes it passive. Removing it makes it more actiony (yeah, I know that isn't a word.)
You has had a problem with tense, but you already know that. Everyone who tries to write in present tense has the same problem. But honestly, I didn't even notice. It wasn't distracting at all.
Katie also seemed a little younger than she should have been when she was talking to Cole. A little too young for high school. Just have a look at that dialogue section. On the contrary, her dialogue with Rhonda I think was perfect.
There were a couple of small, minor spelling things, but nothing blaring or too distracting. Just missing a 't' at the end of 'no' in one part that I can't find at the moment. But it was only about 3 little things like that.
Also, you have a few cliches. Like staring at the paper so much she'd burn a whole through it... it's been used, a lot. I'm sure you could think of something better to put there. Or leave it out altogether. The part about counting the lines is enough to convey the message that she's been looking at the paper for a long time.
And the last thing was that for all the emotional description (I'm a HUGE fan of using colors to describe emotions, so that was really cool), there wasn't much physical description of the characters. I would love to know what they looked like.
I also have two new ships to add to my fangirling list. (w00t) Rhonda/Katie & Cole/Katie.
Though, I have to admit, the part at the end was a bit of a mystery. What was she getting? Some kind of award? I wasn't sure. She wasn't graduating, was she?
There are more things, lots more things I wanted to say. I would love to comment on every sentence but I'm all scatter-brained / ADD right now and all I think is "Holy #&*, SE wrote this? ME WANT MORE!"
Let me close by telling you that, really, honestly, truly, you are one of my favorite authors. You are wicked talented and you have this style that just draws me in. It's exactly what I'm always looking for, but can never find.
I really, REALLY want more of this. More original stuff, more of this fic. A whole novel or two would be great. You should, I don't know, enter this in something, show it to someone. Did your mom read this? Would she appriciate it as much as I do?
Can I send this to my mom? She loves to read, I'm sure she'd love to see it. I'm going to print this out and show it to people. I can't wait to see what you come up with next.
Okay, I'm gonna stop now. I just keep remembering things and going back to add more to this review. I'll probably come back later, after I've reread it and tell you some more things. ;)
| Chelseamuffin chapter 1 . 12/11/2007
So I like where your mind goes at three in the morning.
I dunno, it's just pretty awesome, you know? And I still totally love your... wording. Like... this one made me feel warm inside, somehow:
And she can just picture it. In her mind, she can see Rhonda, with her fingers laced between her mother’s, her daughter, her air, her ocean against the sun set.
I dunno. That part made me smile somehow ]
Mm... some parts were written incorrectly, though. I don't remember everything, since I read this about twenty hours before reviewing :\ But yeah. I know, for example, when you're talking about Hook, you wrote "it's" in a lot of places, instead of "its". Try to replace your it's/its with "it is". If it makes sense, it should be written "it's". If it doesn't, it's "its" ]
And that's it for now.
I LOVE YOU MUCHLY!