Reviews for Harmless
Abbytjie chapter 2 . 4/28/2012
When I read your reviews I saw that 'SexyVampirechick'said the second version flows nicely because of the brackets, but I disagree. I feel the brackets disrupt the flow of the poem that you had in the first version. But, hey, to each her own I guess.

Other than that I like the internal conflict that the girl faces and the way you represent it.
brokencrystal7 chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
i can relate to this in some way, but it is a long story so i will just leave at that
Setsuna529 chapter 1 . 6/15/2008
You do a great job at conveying internal conflict, knowing what's 'right' but unable to change direction. And I really love the final line. Well done.
Sexy Vampirechick chapter 2 . 3/22/2008
I like this 's really cool.

I think on your first like you should leave out the "because",it's not really in the third stanza the "but" could also be omitted.

Other than that,everything's fine.I like in your second version how you put some of the lines in brackets,it makes the poems flow more well done!
Poena Sensus chapter 1 . 3/22/2008
Before I will into the "depth review" I would like to say that the poem is powerful, it placed a mirror to my face as I am, more often than not, the guy convincing "you" that you are beautiful.

The poem did not sound like most and that I liked a lot. I also liked the style of it. The way you set up the verses in short yet effective lines. That reminded me of a punk rock group only played three chords on the guitar but still did better at their shows than classically trained guitarist do.

That last point about the lie being easier to live with than the truth, I love hearing that. The truth is brutal and violent and often disturbing, and in this case disheartening

Thank you for writing this, it is a great poem, it didn't rhythm and you had short lines but it came out better than the grandiloquent verses of others.
lymli chapter 2 . 3/17/2008
I like the verse 2 it's powerful.

when you in love you can't see everything.
ByYourSide chapter 1 . 3/4/2008
Very. Powerful.

The part that really got me was the beginning, "I should let you go because/you're poisoning my world."

I can relate so much to that-a lot of people probably can. I think, for me, that's what made it so...striking.

It also flowed really well, and was enjoyable to read.

*thumbs up* X3
groovacious chapter 1 . 3/3/2008
My proper review: I like the whole idea of forbidden love because I feel as if a lot of people experience it and your use of words; however I think you could have went deeper into the topic and talked about another apsect of forbidden love that most people do not cover because right now, it sounds a bit juvenile.
Vanilla Tea chapter 2 . 2/21/2008
Yeah, the edited version really flows better than the original, especially the last part. I sort of think you should take the italics off "your" in the line "but that is not your job anymore"-and i also think you should take the parenthasis off anymore. Just some suggestions. But i thought it was really good.
crumpled.STIXERZ.paper chapter 2 . 2/20/2008
I honestly liked the first one - of course, reading the second might have bored me mainly because I had just read the exact same words. The first one is much plainer, but I think the first is the one you originally wanted it to be, and it should have stayed that way.

Fundamentally, both were true and to the point, although they left enough to wonder about for the average person (kind of on the outside looking in).

Great work.

Firetrap chapter 1 . 2/20/2008
That was quite beautiful. I like how another line would begin even when the sentance hadn't actually finished. "And I’ve managed to convince myself that/ our flirty conversations are harmless because/that lie is easier than the idea of letting you go"
groovacious chapter 2 . 2/19/2008
It's very juvenile but I enjoyed reading it and I like the format-it kept me reading.
Esther Jade chapter 2 . 2/17/2008

This version feels quite different to the last. I never got the impression in the first version that he was an ex-boyfriend which is what this one seems to be saying. Interesting.

I like the poisoning-charming contrast in the first three lines. I think that opens the poem well.

I also like the third stanza - it just feels so sad. It reminds me of my sister (I think this is the second review I've alluded to her in) - girls get so convinced by the bad boys and they're exactly the ones you can't trust.

In the last stanza I like the appearance-reality duality. It works really well. It ends the poem on such a sad, poignant note.

One thing I'm not sure about is the italics. The brackets already indicate that it's an aside and a change of tone is required. The italics feel like overkill. I might suggest putting in a colon at the end of the fourth stanza's second line but it isn't a must-have. It's a nice way to introduce an explanation (though it would make the because redundant) and would slow the stanza down but it's not strictly necessary.

Overall, what I really like about this poem is that it feels authentic and specific (which is exactly what I think "Overtime" lacked).
Midnight In Eden chapter 2 . 2/13/2008
Review game!

Technical tidbits first. No comma at the end of L4 of the first stanza. Ditto for L2 of the second stanza. The period on L1 of the last stanza should be at the end of the next line. Also, I think L3&4 of the second stanza would work better as one sentence. You don't need the "and" either on L3 of that last stanza. Ditto for the parentheses around "anymore" on L2 of the second stanza. Perhaps instead of more parentheses around "tricked", hyphens would work better a la "convinced - tricked -"? (in fact, I'd really just prefer you use "tricked" instead of repeating convinced).

In terms of formatting, this is one of few poems that I like centered. You've got good line length and as such a good flow too. My one issue with your formatting is the italics, bolding and underlining in the second stanza. I just don't think it's necessary at all and it just feels gimmicky. Let your words speak for themselves there.

Overall, this is decent. Yes it's been said before but this is short, punchy and not too melodramatic. It feels honest and bare, two qualities that are often missing in some of the poetry on here. Kudos.

IndiaLikeTheCountry chapter 2 . 2/11/2008
This is so true to life )

You've got the point across perfectly, in just enough words.
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