|Reviews for Cradleland|
| Blank Username On Toast chapter 1 . 12/28/2007
I have to admit that I'm not really liking this story, the first thing is the line break at the end of every sentence, it stops the story developing any kind of flow, it just steps which I find quite annoying to be frank. Secondly the "O" segue break is a little unnecessary, I understand that if you were to fragment these segues into seperate chapters you would have millions of tiny ones but perhaps just a simple - would be better, initially I though the "O" was unmakred dialogue of someone who was impressed by something.
Maybe I'm just in a foul mood but this story doesn't really come off to me.
| Malissa Michelle White chapter 2 . 12/21/2007
I really like your plotline, so far, it's interesting and keeps me reading. But i see somethings that aren't as pleasing. First, it sounds as if you are advertising all the devices. Detail is great, but i think you're on the border of over-doing it. Try to paint your scenes to reflect more important things, not products. When you do that, it tells me that you're a little to obsessed with your stuff (PSPs and such) rather than the plot or characters. And it's a little distracting.
Next, the characters you present are little more than bones. They sound un-realistic, and there's nothing really revealed about them for the reader to gather a deeper, emotional connection. Ask yourself, why should the reader care about Pedro or Angela or Lani? Why are these people important? Who are they and why are they here? A good way to flesh out your character is to sit down and imagine their life story. I find it a little easier when i look up astrology signs. It's a good way of telling you base behaviors, and you can determine how your characters will react, thinks, and how they relate to other characters in the story. Let's say you want Pedro to be guarded, outwardly tough and so on, find an star sign that matches that. Without it, you're characters can be a little boring, which can hurt your piece. Oh, and if Lani wears mini-skirts and designer bags, chances are she's not playing a PSP. And DBZ is blatently named after you. Come on! Put yourself in your story without being so obvious. Any character you create is going to be a reflection of yourself. Excerise your inner Shiva and create characteristics that match some of your ideals. You don't need to self-advertise/fantasize and make yourself the famous person until you're Hitchcock level. Otherwise, you end up looking immature, and your work loses all credibility. And last quip, Mick Fontana? That's a bad name right out of the 80s. You might wanna change that. He sounds like he was on Nightrider or the A-Team. Details like that take away from the willful suspension of disbelief, or, in essence, the believability of your story and your characters.
Your story reminds me of a cross between Stephen Kings' The Langoliers, Snakes on a Plane, and some episodes of the Twilight Zone. You might have to do some serious work to make it feel more original, and less a story about how you'd imagine yourself if you were in this dream world.
In short, your piece needs some work. but i see potential in it. Enough to keep reading.
| rockoutbby chapter 1 . 12/21/2007
MORE! Awesome story.
(Check out mine )