|Reviews for Broken Toy|
| dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 3/21/2010
Congrats on winning the Review Marathon! Here is your prize review:
[let me read the instructions/so I know what to do.] Definitely my favorite lines of the piece. It's such an interesting image-having an instruction manual of how to live. I think a lot of people can relate to wanting that, haha.
[I want to be what you need:/I need to be what you want] Also nice job with these lines. Sometimes this type of repetition is overdone, but I think it worked well to show how desperate the speaker is. The italics worked well with that, too. I could really hear the emotion as I was reading it.
[and spin me around
Trying to force me into working.
If you could just subjugate me,] The stanza break felt strange there. I guess you were trying to stay with the tercets, but it really broke both the flow and the idea.
Really interesting topic to this piece. The metaphor of a toy fits this topic perfectly.
| Jessie My Love chapter 1 . 1/5/2009
That was amazing.
You incorporated style in order to emphasis your point; not something that a lot of authors on fictionpress know how to do correctly.
I personally am not a poet, so I'm not too good at critiquing poetry, but I did really enjoy this.
It was pretty powerful.
-Jessie m p.s. pay it forward
| May Elizabeth chapter 1 . 11/30/2008
This poem is very good. It's very powerful. I've felt this way myself also. Peace.
| PandaPanda chapter 1 . 8/4/2008
Such a beautiful piece! I especially love these lines:
"I want to be what you need:
I need to be what you want"
The lack of spacing with the "aroundandaroundandaround," was unique and effective!
I will be adding this to my favourites.
| 123456DoesNotExist chapter 1 . 5/10/2008
I love how you emphasize the words that really matter with italics and no spaces, it really helps the poem. I also like the repetition of the two lines at the end, it brings the poem full circle.
Great job. :)
| ByYourSide chapter 1 . 3/4/2008
Oh, I could really feel the desperation and despair in your words. I like the style and structure of this poem; it really added to it.
| Bri-Cathleen chapter 1 . 2/23/2008
i like this one
it sounds like a good song
| Deets chapter 1 . 2/19/2008
I like this a lot. It expresses really well how people in relationships always seem to want you to change, something I think most people can relate to (I know I can).
| Sexy Vampirechick chapter 1 . 2/18/2008
Interesting!What makes this poem really cool is that how you say you want be what you need and need to be what you want,while in the stanza before last you expressed that you'd really do anything for him.I like this one a lot!
| Christy Leigh Stewart chapter 1 . 2/10/2008
That was really cool. You do a great job at this, I wish I could lol
| Esther Jade chapter 1 . 2/6/2008
My favourite things about this poem:
- The poignancy, especially as summed up in the repeated refrain. It almost makes one want to cry.
- The words that run into each other "aroundand..." and "overand...". They're very evocative and seems to echo the futility of the toy's attempts to please.
- I think the best stanzas are the third and the second last. I love the way the toy wants to read its own instructions - it's such a lovely image.
My least favourite things:
- The lack of punctuation. It just makes it so difficult to read and as poetry is primarily written to be read out loud, it just doesn't make sense to leave out punctuation unless the poem is specifically one of those written to be looked at. One place that was just crying for a colon, to me, anyway, was the end of the first line of the third paragraph.
- I didn't particularly like the fifth stanza. I think what really bothered me was the word "overpower" - it just sounds so physical and it seems more like the a case of exerting mental effort or will power. It's not like the toy is fighting; it's just not co-operating.
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/28/2008
I love the way you write...even though I relate too much and get sad. _
| purple x pen chapter 1 . 1/27/2008
again, very well written, i really like this piece especially the lines "i want to be what you need/ i need to be what you want" wonderful ] i also like what you did with the 2nd and 11th lines! it has a nice effect on the writing.
| lookin4nemo chapter 1 . 1/18/2008
My fav verses are "I want to be what you need, and I need to be what you want
| laughter at the funeral chapter 1 . 1/5/2008
i love the whole play with want and need and they totally make sense and that was incredible...
and i love the poem's faithfulness to the theme of poems...
you really did a good job