|Reviews for Nations : Threads of War|
| teardrop456 chapter 1 . 12/21/2007
First of all I'd like to say that I like your main character- he has a good character, and you've made sure that his character doesn't vary too much. This is a very goo thing- trust me- like some stories, the main character will go from brave to scared in an instant, and back to brave again- that just doesn't happen. Congrats on keeping your main person in character.
Your plot is interesting. Not very clear on where it's going though.
Your grammer- not so hot. Some people really dislike bad grammer, and just because the grammer is bad, they will stop reading your story (I'm guilty of that. Make sure you read it over once or twice before posting.
here's some of my comments I made while I was reading your story. Take a look at them, bu just remember these comments are just my thoughts. It's constructive critisism, that's all:
Tip 1: rate this story T. since the first word in this story is 'damn' , you might want to consider changing it.
Tip 2: language should be checked. ie if they are swearing and using slang, they should not really be using formal language 'This is not summer, this is hell!' should be 'This isn't summer, this is hell!'
Tip 3: i dont know if youve noticed but your story is written in present tense... which is fine, just make sure you keep it consistant throughout your story. ( a few times you switched from present to past tense) Past tense is also a bit easier to write in, but if you want to keep it in present tense, that's fine.
'“Just your feeling boy... no complaints! ' that sounds odd. It should probably be 'It's just your imagination, boy. No complaints!'
'Finally, my box is carried' should be 'finally, my box is lifted up'
'and climb the box to the outside...' should be 'and climb out of the box'
her throat is slit- shouln't there be some mention of blood dripping at some point? Unless he healed her, since he has magic (cool idea btw)
'She looks a bit confused, perhaps wondering what I do, but that look doesn’t last so long' should be ' She looks a bit confused, perhaps she's wondering what I'm doing'
suggestion: maybe have someone (one of your reviewers) read over your chapters before you post them, and correct everything. This reviewer/editor is called a 'Beta'.
Its a win win situation: you get better grammer, the reviewer gets to read your chapter before you post it
anyways keep on writting! You've got a good idea and good characters, so keep up the good work! Looking forward to the next update!
| Luny Loona chapter 1 . 12/21/2007
For a non-native English speaker, I think it's really brave of you to just write something and post it. But either way, I'll do a few corrections, and hope they can help you better your skills in this language.
...'Faint chatters of men loading down trade cargos resound in my ear. Patience, I guess.'...I don't understand. You guess what is patience?
...'I managed to sneak into a cargo box, and now I can’t manage to lose my cover.'...Repetition of 'manage' and 'managed' could be fixed. And also, why the sudden change in tense? ...And reading on, you have a lot of them. I do agree that the English language has some very strange tense rules, but either pick past or present and stick with it.
...'From the numerous heartbeats and the profuse sweating I felt, I must’ve felt really nervous.'...I think the second 'felt' was intended to be 'been'.
As I read on, you use a lot of present tense, so probably you should change past tense to present tense.
...'Some of them; the better looking one, are busy flirting with the maids.'...Incorrect colon use. Colons are used to join two related sentences, and usually are NOT used to replace commas. In this case, the comma should be there, and also, shouldn't it be 'better looking oneS'?
...'“Take off your wig, and enter as a maid.”
“Oh yeah! I see... they won’t be suspicious this way...”
“WAIT! By that you mean that I have to disguise as a maid? “
For 'Oh yeah! I see...as a maid?' - If the same person's talking, they don't need two lines for the dialogue. If it isn't the same person talking then it doesn't make sense.
The story is written a little too informally. I know that it's 'your' point of view and you're free to show the readers your thoughts, ultimately, it is still a story, and there should be a certain degree of formality in there.
“...” is a little unnecessary.
'Gaodion, Minstrel of Clarity, I beseech your help,
Take watch of the woman in front of me,
And let nothing but your silence envelops.'...To be grammatically correct, I think that should be 'envelop'.
...'Not forget I double-check my Cirzen... all right.'...'Not forget' doesn't make sense.
If there's anything you don't understand, feel free to ask. The story is rather interesting so far, and good job on writing something in a different language!