|Reviews for The Young Royals : Ulran's Rising|
| Agapantha chapter 4 . 3/29/2008
hey hey hey!
through the glass attacked - should have an 'and' in there i think right?
um, ok, i kinda think tht u use stuttering a little too much, i mean, in real life people don;t really stutter that much right?
'It looked so bad that it must’ve been a compound break. The pain seemed to last forever but then something snapped into place, taking over, and the agony gradually receded. I checked. I was healed' this is really good description fo what happened, but it doesnt really sound like speech.
'fusing veins, arteries and bone' she wouldnt have severed arteries because otherwise she would have already been dead before the magic started.
'Farrion put his head in his hands then drew them downwards, pulling on his skin and distorting his features in the process.' aaw i love tht - can imagine it perfectly
'now is neither the time nor the place. I should be training you right now' dunno juss dont like the repetition of 'now'
‘She’d hit dead centre, a bulls-eye’ I no u want to make her seem great and everything but I think it’s be easier to relate to her if she wasn’t perfect at everything every time.
Ok, I’m gonna sound annoying here but really? A little chat and firing one arrow. I tell you what these elves have it far too easy.
Kk can’t really think of anything else. You must just be too good. Is it bad though that Farion REALLY reminds me of Tom?
Great stuff hunny!
| Frosthold chapter 4 . 3/26/2008
Hi! Excellent work with this chapter. Your characterization is great, but this chapter lacks flow, ie Farrion seems to be much stricter and much colder towards Avaia. It's also really wordy and really, really long. Please (please!) maybe consider cutting this chapter in half.
And now on to my really long spiel about the things that could be improved:
“Using logic to his advantage, he decided that he’d better give her a hint about what was bothering him before she theorised something far worse than reality with the imaginative brain she held ownership over.”
Wow, way, way overly written. There’s just too much stuff. Just say, “thinking quickly, he said…” or something like that.
“‘Hmm…’ Farrion shifted his weight slightly and one corner of his mouth quirked up in a mysterious smile, ‘sure.’”
I think it might make more sense at this point if he’s still concerned about her ankle. At least have Farrion make Avvia show him that it’s completely okay (by hopping on it or something) before he lets her do something else. Also, I think he should be really hesitant to let her learn about fighting since he thinks she’s so naïve and all.
“He gestured for her to walk into the centre of the clearing ahead of him. She followed his unspoken instructions without a word, Farrion trailing along in her wake. He curled his arm around her waist once he’d caught up to her and lightly held it there whilst he made a sweeping gesture to divert her attention from his other, hidden, hand by her side.”
Arg! Way too much detail again.
“…as if two invisible giants were playing catch.”
“Avaia opened her mouth to ask what he was doing but quickly shut it: she would appear foolish if he in fact had a relevant reason in standing next to a tree chosen at random.”
Try, “Avaia stayed silent, preferring not to ask about his moving to stand next to the tree incase he actually had a reason. She didn’t want to appear foolish.” It makes a lot more sense, is a lot shorter, and reads better )
“Placing light fingers where she’d been shown, she held the arrow between her slim fingertips…”
Should be “placing light fingers where she’d been shown, she held the arrow…” since it’s a bit redundant otherwise. Also fingertips can’t be slim. ; D
“‘I think…yes. I think we’ve had a long enough practice for today.’”
I’ve got a couple of problems with this. First off, Avvie is getting less and less believable and more and more predictable. No one is quite so perfect. Maybe she should miss the first shot completely and come really close to a bull’s-eye on her second. Also, if, as Farrion suggests, her bull’s-eye is only beginner’s luck wouldn’t he want to have her keep shooting to test her? No reason to let her ego get inflated unless it was absolutely necessary right? ) He wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble of setting up the targets etc. unless he was actually going to let her shoot more than once.
“Farrion had quickly made up a less accusatory excuse than his thoughts spoke of to watch over her practice sessions.”
Just cut out the end bit. Try "Farrion had quickly made up a less accusatory excuse."
“…because he liked her. She shook her head: wishful thinking.”
Um, I thought it was pretty much already established that Farrion and Avaia were in love. Ya, I hope you can see why this is a little confusing.
Okay that's it. But really, great job here. Your wording is incredible and, as I said above, your characterization is really strong. Keep it up and update soon!
| Erisah Mae chapter 2 . 3/2/2008
A definite improvement:). You're welcome.
| Darwin chapter 2 . 2/11/2008
I'm back to glance over the changes you've made. I Promised this a while ago and now I have some time.
It's "Belie" not "belay" Belie means to give away, belay means to take back or forget, as in "belay my last", "Belying her nerves" would mean she is doing something that gives away that she is nervous. Do you see the difference?
"Avaia sighed, EXASPERATED: her mother fretted over food availability entirely too much. War or no war, there’d still be a plentiful supply of fruit growing on the plants around them.
Avaia’s EXASPERATION didn’t last long. Her mood brightened once more as the heavy thud of he father’s footsteps reached her from the hallway and the dulcet tones of his voice sprang to life."
Something I don't think I covered, or didnt' emphasize is to avoid using the same terms too close together. Here is a perfect example. If you have a thesaurus available look up variants of the word you want (Microsoft Word has the thesaurus available in the document, just right click on the word you want to change and it will give you a quick list of the psuedonyms, maybe even an antonym), this will make your read a lot richer. I know for a fact it will teach you things, and make you much happier with your own writing.
"Avaia was happy: this was the first meal that they’d had together as a family since before Avaia could remember; her father’s general duties had taken most of the family time that they’d once had together away from them."
Good! This is much clearer on what the hold up is for them. A little tweek though. You are bordering on run on sentence here. Pull out "Away from them" isn't needed! You can also remove "General" from duties. Pull out the majority of the "weedy words" ie unneccessary to the sentence.
"Avaia lip twisted in malcontent but she went back to eating the meal set in front of her without passing comment: she knew better than to argue with her father when his mind drifted back to old war memories; some things are better left unquestioned."
This is another run-on. Break it up into smaller sentences. Even taking the "Some things are better..." and making it its own sentence is enough to tidy it up. oh and watch your tense, you've gone from past to present in this sentence.
Okay I said this before and I'll say it again, you have way too many speakers. We've swapped from Gios to Avaia and now to Ibrian. Try to stay with one speaker longer and ensure you make your audience aware of a new speaker if you switch.
"Avaia wringed her hands" this should be wrung...
"The day had past quick and" "Past" should be "passed."
"‘Yes?’ She answered." This is one of those dialogue rules I was telling you about. Even though this is punctuate with a question mark the following "She answered" should not be capitalized. So it would be "Yes?" she answered. Because that is the whole of the sentence. Let say this was "Yes?" Her face twisted up in curiosity. Then it could be capitalized as I have it here. I forget the name of the particular rule...heh...but I know I've been beat up enough about it by MY beta!
I hope this helps...I'm not trying to be harsh, just trying to help you tidy up the creation. Overall this is much smoother than the draft, and I can see that you are already learning to catch many of the mistakes being made. Well done. Don't fret if I continue to pick at it, it took me decades to get where I'm at and obviously you're still finding things in MY works!
You're quite welcome, I hope I can continue to help!
Take care and have a great night!
| Frosthold chapter 3 . 1/12/2008
Hmm, interesting. Well, I have to say I think this chapter was a bit slow, probably because of all the detailed descriptions, not necessarily a good thing. Anyway, there were lots of good parts too, to many to put in here all at once. So I will outline the points that need some work:
“She wished that her training each morning could start just a little earlier… she’d just remembered: today was her first day of training.”
Really confused me. You seem to be contradicting yourself here.
“The sun was rising over the horizon, it’s yellow and orange hues lighting up the dew dampened woodland floor… Quickly she threw the covers back into a jumbled heap at the bottom of her bed and hopped to the floor. She strode over to her closet and opened the doors.”
Again, I felt like it’s contradicting. So you first describe things outside although Avaia is inside. So… she can’t be contrasted to outside surroundings if her surroundings are her bedroom ; )
And… “in the act of rising from her wooden four poster bed…” “Suddenly, she stopped moving, her muscles tensed and she was as still as a cat about to pounce…” “Quickly she threw the covers back into a jumbled heap at the bottom of her bed and hopped to the floor.”
A couple of thing to point out here. First of all, she can’t rise in the first sentence and then through back the covers and hop to the floor. It doesn’t work. And secondly, if she is in bed then it’s not fitting to use a simile about a cat pouncing.
I wasn’t just going to sit there all day until you realised you’d yet to tell me the next step.’ Avaia rationalised, using her hands to make her point.
Great use of details here, just make sure you are using a comma after speech.
“Farrion shook his head to rid himself of old memories”
About disemboweling… erm, he's got some problems doesn't he? Oh, I guess it's because of what happened to the queen. Poor kid!
“‘Were you honestly upset with me then or did you just want an apology and the pleasure of watching me squirm before I submitted under the pressure of your anger?’”
Okay, wow I’m confused. In need of more dialogue here before all these random (well, from my POV right now) accusations.
“To show his withdrawal from the bloodless battle for dominance, he slumped his shoulders then bowed and shook his head.”
He is supposed to be her teacher isn’t he?
“…men never can catch a hint, it simply isn’t in their natures, elf or otherwise.”
Maybe use ‘males’ instead of ‘men’ as the contrast between men and elves is a big ‘un.
“…all seven foot something of his body.”
Wowie that is tal. I didn’t know elves had superhuman height.
I think I really like Farrion but I don't know if it was a good idea to have Avaia training with him... they get so distracted ) Anyways, keep writing!
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/10/2008
Hi Kitty, as promised here I am!
I usually start off heavy and give examples, as it progresses I will taper it off especially if it is alot of the same errors or suggestions.
"Tension stifled the air of that cold, dark December morning. Birds, on silent wings, speeded away on the harsh, biting winds. There was a sharp, acrid and bitter taste in the air as it lashed out; it was the coppery taste of blood and the stench of death diffused into one heady, sickly, aroma."
First paragraphs need to grab the reader. You have a good start here, but lets take a look at some of the mechanics and flow of words. How about "Tension was palpable, sharper for biting air of that December morning." Stifling tends to suggest heat, thick and cloying. So that may confuse your readers. "Birds, on silent wings, SPED away on harsh, biting winds." I only changed speeded to sped. Speeded doesn't have the right feel for the sentence. "A sharp and acrid scent joined their retreat, flavoring each breath with bitterness." Now here you're going to have to make a decision...is there a heavy biting wind, or is there an atmosphere that would allow such scents and tastes of scents to linger? If it is the biting heavy blowing leaves off the trees kind of wind, scents wouldn't not linger...unless the party speaking were downwind of the carnage. In which case you could put something like: "The wind carried the scent of decay and death to smother them where they stood." In any other position they would only catch wiffs of it, or not smell it at all. This from a woman who's been up and downwind of death...
Second paragraph needs some fine tuning - One thing I've been taught, the hard way, was to reduce the use of adverbs...Anything ending in LY, drop it out and see how it reads. Now this isn't a hard and fast rule...some of them will be neccessary. Cut as many of them as you can afford.
I'm going to stop there for now...if you'd like I can get more in depth with what I see via email. Overall I'm intrigued.
Screen it for flow...look for grammatical errors. I've found that reading out loud helps me figure out if it sounds proper, this is especailly true for dialogue.
Another suggestion is try not to explain everything right off the back...I didn't see that here, but look out for it. It is an easy thing to do when you're first starting out. But giving away too much can be as detrimental as not giving enoug. No data dumps. Try to tell the story a little at a time. It's harder to do but the story will read better in the end!
I hope this helps...I am more than willing to give you more advice suggestions and editing help if you want it!
| Agapantha chapter 3 . 1/8/2008
Avaia wasn’t a happy camper.' lol ove the informal touch there
'I am relaxed.’ Avaia snapped' i liked that bit, it was kinda clever, dunno whym it jsut seemed that way to me.
'At this point Avaia was perfectly still, the only parts of her moving was what moved by itself in the wind, and her mind was as blank as a black hole.' This is trhe narrative that I love, the narrative that I wanted you to add! yay yay yay!'almost tangible presence in her mind’s eye.' s gd 2
'Avaia hung on every word of what her love whispered and found herself inclined to bite her bottom lip, hard, to keep from crying out in celebration of the returned feelings.' Ah, all girls know that feeling, and you've described it so beautifully, it makes oyu feel like you're floating with her.
'cheeks once more turned the rosy red that she was now imagining could become a permanent stain on her cheeks.' You used cheeks twice here.
'it sounding silly ' Should be 'it sounded silly'
The only real problem that I found with the content was that they don't realy have a teacher-pupil relationship and, also, I think Avia should be a little more obedient well not obedient but you know what I mean, adn that Farrion should expect herto do what he says and not be so informal etc... but it was really fun to read though, I just thought it suited better a friendship situation as opposed to a lesson one. But then again, it was so beautiful at the end and you really described/captured the feelings well. I didn't realise they would get together so fast!
Love you hunni - it was beautiful x
| Agapantha chapter 2 . 1/3/2008
Umm dont think Im being overly critical but Im just gonna put the constructive criticism here and not the things I like so much cos it's so long -rolls eyes but sets to work anyway- :p
'she’d got to' now Im not sure about this, but is it gotten? I dont know, normally I HATE the word gotten cso it sounds really ineloquent (if thats a word)
'Mina frowned and waved her spoon around in the air to emphasise her point' Ok, so I like this bit, i dont care what I said before.
'mina’' Capital! tut tut tut (ok, I have to make a big deal it's the only mistake I've found alright)
' moves ' typo!
'Giros smiled down at his only child with fatherly love.
‘You know, sometimes I don’t think you’ll ever be completely mature' aw I love this character, Avia is completely different from your usual main characters - I love her!
'only child ' you kinda use 'only child ' twice in this little section n it stands out.
'biting the dust off of her heels' Just biting the dust prehaps? I'm not sure it just sounds a little off...
Woo finished, and excelente! I love Farrion (I know I've3 said it before but my opinoion hasn't changed ) Well done hunni it's brilliant! x
| Agapantha chapter 1 . 1/3/2008
'it was the coppery taste of blood and the stench of death diffused into one heady, sickly, aroma.' *tingles* I KNOW I ALREADY POINTED THIS SENTENCE OUT TO YOU, BUT I THOUGHT I'D DO IT AGAIN oh damn, that last sentence was all in capital - I'm too lazy too sort it out XD
'above, the entities' I don't know, but to me, it seems as though there should be another sentence here, also I think that a simple 'they' would sound better. Meh, but what do I know, it's interpretation right?
'confidently roamed the cobbled streets. He was a flitting shadow' Flitting shadow doesn't exactly imply confidence to me, I love both images, they just dont kinda work well together. XD
'belong and on' New sentence? (please don't think I'm being picky! I just want the best for your work!)
'sadistic smirk' love the description, love the sibilance. Was it deliberate or did it just happen? Cos it sounds aweseome.
'sullied' just like the word
'They were Ulran’s servants and their every action was carefully serving his will.' Love it!
'about were mercilessly ' Should be 'was'
'They swept up the main staircase without hesitation, both forces joining as one. They had no respect for the royal or the elders. They ' Im not sure if it's deliberate or not but you have 'they' at the beginning or three sentences in a row and they're not really short enough for it to work as repetition imo.
However, 'They held no emotion but rage and their rage had just found its target' that sentence is great
'their duty' could go into such english analytical anatation of this bit - essay paragraphs worth -nods-
'The regal woman in her silk nightgown stood no chance against this army of shadows: unprepared and half groggy from sleep, her slim chances had slipped from a thousand to one to practically nil. She needed a miracle.' Magnifique
'at his back, aiming to be a comforting, reassuring presence at his son’s back,' you used 'at his back' twice n it kinda stands out.
So there, sorry it took a while, but at least its more than a line eh? You've made a lot of improvements since the 1st time I read it and It's VERY good x
| Frosthold chapter 2 . 12/28/2007
Hiya! Sorry for the lateness of the review, I was stuck at my grandparents over the break and they have no internet : (
I really like Avaia, she is very cute (and she has a cool name). Your story contains great dialogue and I got my fill of the metaphor thingies in this chapter, overall your writing here is very poetic. I liked the romantic tension too. This chapter is a bit long though, you could probably split it into two chapters at the point where the party starts.
| Frosthold chapter 1 . 12/21/2007
Yay, great to hear from you again! Hope you got my email regarding the edits. I made them and then forgot to send it to you P Anyways, this was very good but I think I probably have the same comments as in the email:
"...her slim chances had slipped from a thousand to one to practically nil. She needed a miracle."
I didn't so much like this, especially the miracle bit. Can't exactly say why, it just seemed sorta morbid to me.
"His father was at his back, aiming to be a comforting, reassuring presence at his son’s back..."
'Back' is redundant here. Oh and also, this passage needs for emotion from the watching characters.
Overall I really enjoyed reading this chapter. The discriptions you use are great but I'd love to see more use of metaphores and stuff... probably just me. At anyrate, post the next chapters soon! And I'd be happy to do more beta reading for you if you'd like, just pm me.
| Snowin chapter 1 . 12/21/2007
I like this story. Please keep up the good work and submit more