Reviews for Color of Sepia
Emakoke chapter 1 . 12/24/2007
Rachie! You didn't tell me you were staring a new story. And is FlamingQuill your friend in real life? Do you both write the story together or do you each write a little bit?

Ah...who isn't inspired by Jack Sparrow? I'm expecting high things from this story now!

Well I'm in the mood for tearing things apart tonight - must be all that Christmas spirit! Anyway, here I go. I hope it's helpful.

Although I don't really like prophecies, this one was okay, as it didn't sound too contrived or obvious. In other words, it wasn't your usual, "ONE BOY WILL RISE UP AND SAVE THE WORLD BUT FIRST HE MUST SUFFER THE PAINS OF LOVE HIS NAME SHALL BE EDWARD AND HIS LOVE SHALL HAVE GOLDEN HAIR" etc. etc. However I did think it was a bit long, and sometimes people are put off reading a story when they see it starts with a propecy. So I'd avoid the prophecy unless it's totally necessary.

I like the way your story starts with the far from glamorous image of someone gutting fish. It immediately appeals to the senses. Well obviously raw fish guts don't *appeal* to me, but you know what I mean!

"The squeaky hinge voice..." - I love the comparison of his voice to a squeaky hinge, but I'd rephrase this. Maybe something like, "The voice of his younger brother slashed through the reality he'd made like a squeaky hinge."

"Arrow corrected dreamily tears brimming..." - Should be a comma after dreamily.

You've started with some good, strong characterization. The fact that Arrow thinks the smell of gutted fish is "the most aromatic perfume of the saints" immediately makes him stand out.

"and transported back to the true world in which he resided" - Watch out for unnecessary wordiness; "transported back to the real world" would suffice.

"their dingy, meager meal" - Dingy seems a bit of a strange adjective to describe a meal to me. That 'meager' threw me for a minute...you and your strange American spelling! P

"as an owl swiftly appears upon it’s prey" - Should be "its" with no apostrophe. The way it's written now would mean "as an owl swiftly appears upon it is prey" which is nonsensical.

"“Where have you been?” he asked as his twiggish arms surrounded her small waist." - since you already said "he exclaimed" in the same line, I'd get rid of the "he asked" and just say, "His twiggish arms..." etc. Otherwise it sounds repetitive.

"She laughed, a rich melodious sounds" - typo! Yes the obsessive typo spotting is back!

I'm very intrigued by this trio! You've managed to give me a basic introduction to them without revealing too much, which makes me want to read on.

"Sepia insulted" - Don't underestimate "said". Since what Sepia said was clearly an insult, you don't need to use the verb "insulted" too. Remember, sometimes less is more!

I got a little confused by the flashback - it actually took me a few lines before I realised it was actually a flashback. Putting this in italics would help.

"Arrow uttered as his sneakily..." - typo typo!

Bartender is one word, I think. I loved the image of Arrow huddled in there inhaling rum!

Last time I checked "confuzzled" wasn't in the dictionary quite yet, guys. xP

"So began a friendship with cords of loyalty thicker than the ropes of a ship." - I like it. Sets the scene!

"Weevil said with an elegant swept of his arms." - typo typo! Is this getting annoying yet?

"Arrow, in childish ecstasy,. Grabbed the hot pot" - another typo! I MUST be getting annoying now. Ah well, a bit of typo-obliterating is always very therapeutic.

"“Gosh!” he cried, agonizing pain searing his tender flesh" - I'd swap this sentence around to say, "Agonizing pain seared his tender flesh. "Gosh!" he cried." It's always good to try and get rid of "ing" words, as writing sounds punchier without them.

I liked the ending of the chapter. It seemed to end at just the right place. Now we know what the relationship between the three is like I'd be interesting to learn more about them as individuals. I look forward to your next update!

I know this was a LONG review, and I ripped the story apart a bit, but I really did enjoy reading it. I wouldn't spend this much time reviewing something I didn't think was worth it! Keep up the good work guys, and have a wonderful Christmas!

Emma x