|Reviews for james nathan, i have something to say|
| vrivasfl chapter 19 . 10/17/2008
Well, I'm on the second to last chapter and I liked it so much more that like Chase's ending. This is is defenantly more defenant.
Disappointed for me, becuase I signed up for Calculus AP, but only 6 kids signed up for it, so it was canceled and I got thrown into AP Statistics. (I like the class. Now I've had the same math teacher for thee years now. Still, I wanted Calculus.)
Well, James is okay now. Patience is not a virtue in this world, but I think he's going to be okay. I'm glad to see that you like this chapter. I'm always disappointed when you upload something that you didn't really like.
Now that there's only one more chapter to go, I expect Gracie's ending the be the best one yet.
| Ersa Crayold chapter 1 . 10/12/2008
I actually read this story (from beginning to end) last year on a whim after looking at your profile. After seeing your post on the Easy-Fix forum I've taken another look at it to make this review.
Anyway, onto the good stuff.
First tip, expand the plot.
"You made me fall in love with you, and then you broke my heart. I don’t need to go into the details, nor do I want to, because reliving all that is way too painful for me at this current point in time. Besides, you know what you did."
In my opinion this story lacks substance, you tell the readers a lot about [what] happened but not enough of [why] it happened.
Just telling people that he "broke her heart" is not enough. It's way too ambiguous, one could assume [and this is completely hypothetical] that he broke her heart after returning some girl's purse that she had dropped and Gracie (possibly being the jealous type) accused him of looking at other girls, hence the breakup.
I suggest editing the story and adding more plot details. Tell us exactly what James did to Gracie, where it occurred, who was there when it happened (that is to say if there was anyone besides the two of them) and possibly why he did it in the first place.
The reason why you should do this (other than the one I pointed out on top) is because you refer to their breakup quite a bit in the story and without the readers actually knowing what the split was about it kind of seems like Gracie's fussing over nothing.
"People were staring, so I said, “I can’t talk here, you look ridiculous, people are staring” and you informed me, not too pleasantly, that that was all my fault. Well, what happened after was all your fault, so ha, ha, ha."
"And I scoffed. 'Yeah, right,' I said, 'just shut up, and let go of me, and let me go home,' because there was no way in hell I was believing that."
It sounds fragmented with all the conjunctions.
I suggest changing it to:
I scoffed. “Yeah, right, just shut up and let go of me; let me go home,” because there was no way in hell I was believing that.
| CrimsonxShadows chapter 3 . 10/10/2008
In all honesty, this story isn't very interesting. It looked interesting enough, but I don't like the way that you've outlined the story and I don't see much interactions. Recalling something in past tense is different than what you're doing. I don't know what you did with it, and it seems successful enough, but I just wanted to say it didn't work for me.
| Mayo on toast chapter 1 . 10/8/2008
Lets start with the easy bit. Grammar. "he shrugged and said, “it was supposed to be a cow", "and then I said, “you really shouldn’t be draw". There should be capitals at the beginnings of the speeches.
The way your main character talks does sound a lot like she is reminiscing, so you get a victory there. Same for Chase's speech, it did remind me of a school boy. You may want to think about re-writing it as: then I thought, 'Hey, why don’t I actually make the leg a trunk?', so I drew ... Then again, maybe I'm just a bit too picky.
The final line managed to convey the distress and hopelessness of the main character brilliantly. It shows that although she would have wanted to say yes, she would have said no, giving the reader an insight into the possibly shy personality of the character.
In the opening paragraph, you say the thing you remember most is the drawing of the elephant. You remember every thought, word and item of clothing on the boy, but the thing you remember most is the elephant?
In all honesty, not a romance fan. You're just the one to review on the review game at the moment. I did enjoy your writing style, though.
| its.Nothing.Special chapter 20 . 10/5/2008
dang. you're the greatest.
| vrivasfl chapter 18 . 9/27/2008
Well, that is certainly an...ending for Chase Wright. Well, at least it could have been worse for him. (Not as bad as arrested of course, but something to that effect I'm sure.
I didn't feel fulfilled with Chase's ending. He's Gracie's protective friend and he goes all out to protect her honor, risking and losing much in the process. However, other than that, it looks like the status quo is restored. He's not on the team anymore, but he still shoots hoops. It's not all bad for him.
I'd consider that a "not that bad" of an ending.
| vrivasfl chapter 17 . 9/25/2008
Reviews for both chapter 16 and 17 are encased in this one.
Like you, I did not like this chapter. For one, you should not sell yourself short. This was your first story, so I'm glad to see that you haven't put out anything you haven't liked in any of the other stories, so you've imp-roved in that aspect.
Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing happened. Two chapters passed through and while it keeps Gracie in character, her character has already been set by this point. She and Chase went to eat, which is nice and gives incite to their mind and actions and feelings, but it doesn't expand on anything, really.
On the plus side, I k now the next three chapters will be good. I can tell that you wanted this story to end on a magnificent ending.
| vrivasfl chapter 15 . 9/21/2008
I hated that writer's strike. I understand why they were doing it, and I completely agree with their demands and ideals, but you guys made me wait for shows, dammit it! The strike cut the first season The Sarah Conner Chronicles to a mere nine episode and I had to deal with a 13-episode season 3 for Prison Break.
As for the story, I love fights. (Well, not if they include me, but I digress). Basketball God. You know, it's so hard to picture that becuase I knew a guy named Chase and he's polar opposite of this guy. I love them both equally, which is really weird.
Gracie, on the other hand, I'm not liking as much. If this was seen through James' point of view, it would probably be more like, "Yeah, so Gracie got her muscle guy to beat me up. What the Hell is that about?" I suppose it's all a matter of perspective.
Speaking of perspective, I really do love how this is all in Gracie's perspective. I don't get the full story, which actually makes for a better story sometimes and this is one of those times.
That's it for now. It's almost 2:00 and I haven't eaten lunch. Until next time!
| christinaxxyo chapter 20 . 9/4/2008
I liked how even though it was short, there was so much angst and drama in it. Awesome job even though I am a bit curious as to what happened to James.
| christinaxxyo chapter 1 . 9/4/2008
I'm not crazy about your writing style since it seems kind of messy but I do like the plot. :)
| vrivasfl chapter 13 . 8/22/2008
This is the climax of the story and may I say it's a good one. Yes, of course I saw this coming you alluded to it on two previous chapters, so it was no surprise, Still, it was very enjoyable to see it unfold in real time. (Well, enjoyable for Chase Wright and I. James Nathan not so much.)
Now that we have the punch out of the way, things are really going to boil over. We're approaching a resolution now. Only time will tell if the resolution will be beneficial to all parties.
| A.S. Leer chapter 2 . 8/21/2008
Teh last one!
I Liked-ed: The ridiculous paramedic story. It seems so school-ish, because things really do get blown out of proportion constantly. It's just so funny, and the way she sounds so frustrated while contradicting it and explaining the truth is just so funny!
I Did Not Like: The length. It makes me sad to see how short it is, and nothing eventful really happens, it's just an explanation. So even though the basic shout-out, of 'Dammit, this is what happened!' is entertaining, I think it would have been nice to...I dunno, maybe have her talk to someone about the story?
. And there you has it!
P.S. Sometimes I like to use improper grammar for funs.
| A.S. Leer chapter 1 . 8/21/2008
I Liked: The style. The way it was just, 'I remember' and how she has this perfect memory of what happened in that first meeting and everything. And I also like 'the window seemed to light you up' for no particular reason. It just has a nice ring to it.
I Did Not Like: Uhm...Chase Wright. I mean, I get the point of his existence, and the thing just wouldn't be the same without him, but that doesn't mean I have to like his being there. I would really have liked to see a scene between HIM and HER without Chase involved, to see what the first meeting might have been like.
One to go!
| Serenity Takaishi chapter 2 . 8/18/2008
Haha. This looks absolutely fantastic. it's made me giggle, and it's coming along nicely (:
| Serenity Takaishi chapter 1 . 8/18/2008
there was a lot of lacking capitalzation. haha. you need to look over it again maybe and fix the way they spoke...
but i lik elephants. and where this is going. haha. can't wait to read more!