|Reviews for The Last Summer|
| ImaginaryGirlChild chapter 9 . 3/18/2008
OWEN PUNCHED JAKE? I definitely didn't see that one coming! Wow...poor poor Jake and Owen.
| Abstruse Blue chapter 8 . 3/17/2008
I don't have anything critical to say, but I will say I am really enjoying this story. It is a unique perspective and I like that. Can't wait to see what happens next!
| Imalefty chapter 7 . 3/16/2008
review game! :) (wow you updated. i need to do some catch up... _
great description of his mom... :) gives an image and a sense of her character, too.
"Jake had other mates who he met at parties, who scared me a little, and Owen a lot." - i don't know why, but this sentence was a little... strange. maybe wordy. (i think it's the last part that makes it weird) i don't know how to fix it, though... _
"with a bell that wouldn't even ring for the living" - hahaha, great there. :)
ugh, the house must smell nasty. great job with the imagery there... XD
sixth sense! XD good job in describing kenneth, by the way.
i like your use of dialogue - it's definitely realistic and portrays the conflict between jake and his step-dad. and they both have really strong personalities... XD
"Stupid boy." - i think she's saying this, right? maybe the period should be a comma.
"I thought about the bruises on Jake’s pale body as he pulled off his shirt and got into bed next to me and my eyes widened with shock." - i thought at first that he was actually getting into bed... O.o? then i realised she was thinking back on her life. maybe i'm the only one who was confused.
T_T so sad... poor jake.
"Jake spat onto the floor[;] there was blood..." - semicolon instead of comma.
"His room was a mess, just like the world." - love this line. :) really shows tilly's thoughts. well, maybe jake's thoughts, too. XD
aw... poor tilly. she can't help jake in any way... and owen doesn't know... T_T
ah. the MxM comes in... finally. XD
"I think." - perhaps it should be "i thought?"
T_T this is getting more depressing as you go... poor owen. ;_;
i really have nothing to say. i think this was really an important part of the plot. :) and uh... you did a great job with it! :) keep writing!
| A.S. Leer chapter 1 . 3/15/2008
Ah, ting, this was brilliant. But I am required to say more than this- I must give a quality review! So, right down to it...
Your dialogue makes me laugh. Espeically Jake's. It all seems to natural, and definitely like a set of teenage friends. I also like Owen, and the way he acts so modest about his brilliance. I have no advisories for the dialogue. Keep going like that.
Your style was lovely... And you are a lot better at description than I am. I'm jealous. You do it in a simplistic, image-creating fashion. The pictures I get are almost surreal, especially with... Where was it... When she's describing the town, and the mailboxes and whatnot. Then there's the way you describe the characters is bits and pieces. That works out just fine.
I don't even know what your plot is yet. Your summary gives no hint, this chapter gives no hint, and I'm very upset with you, because I still don't see anything to be critical of. Even without giving me any idea what your plot it, you draw me in, and I love it. I love your style, I love your dialogue, I love Jake. It keeps me scrolling, just to figure out what happens, and to see if I can discover your storyline. And the final line is really morbid, in my eyes.
Do I have anything else to say? I should, to meet requirements. Ah! Character relationships! I like how they've apparently done a lot sexually, and they're friends, even though they seem so different. Tilly seems sorta like daddy's girl, Jake seem's bad boy, and Owen seems like he's that perfect guy everyone likes and wants to be with- myself included. They seem to be a very motley group, and they're so well developed already in the first chapter. I misread a line of Jake as Owen's and went back because I knew it couldn't be right- I don't remember the line, but I knew by that point Owen wouldn't say it.
Era loves you. Still- mess up for once, so I can say something critical! One word, and I swear I'll make a paragraph!
| Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 3/13/2008
So, because I am so deliciously awesome, I decided to review all the non-winners of the RM, since you non-winners already got the winners covered :P And yay! An MxM. I have looked for an excuse to read this piece...
"I stand still and look at it all sceptically and try to decide what I want more; cancer or a boyfriend, and in the end I just call my mum so she can choose for me."
*laughs* This first paragraph is an excellent way to start the story. Really sets the mood well :D
Why is there an unattractive spacing there? :o Why Ting Tong?
I'm a metaphor-whore (haha, rhyming!) so I like how Jake is described to be a statue and all that is means. But he can't be all that bad, can he? I mean, they must hang out for some reason other than he is pretty? :P
And EW for your very descriptively awesome ... well, description of Owen sweating in the gym :/ Poor guy. Poor fictional guy, I mean.
"Or when he was about to come"
Does this he (main character Tills) and Jake have sex? :o :o :o
Or does he just take a sneak peak whenever Jake is doing his manly business?
*Frac's world comes crashing* Wait wait... BRA STRAP?
It's a GIRL? Rewind! Well, the feminine attitude makes sense now, but, dang! I thought it was a guy, since this was MxM! :o Damn you Ting Tong for tricking me!
; It's all good, though. This is interesting and un-predictable.
I love how the three friends interact with one another: very amusing and familiar and it's just a nice vibe/mood about them that is appealing.
Till's dad is adorable, btw :P Especially during the part when he let her ride him as a bear (ok that sounded wrong O_O) Very father-ly and sweet.
And about the research the mother leaves at every place possible: Wahhaha! ; Crazy good, it is! Me likey. It's awfully ridiculous yet realisitic for a protective parent.
This has been a nice read with lots of character and effort pulled into it. What I think is lacking is a clearer view of what this story is about. The summary is very vague, and this chapter is really about a normal day in a teenager's life. So plot wise I am skeptic. The last paragraph did help to bring some foreshadowing, though. But this is the major weakness so far: I don't know what the story is about. And I am not very fond of that.
Otherwise, good chapter, good writing, gawd I don't even know why you are so emo over this piece! :P *whacks*
| xEutopiax chapter 4 . 3/8/2008
The first two paragraphs really got me, I like how you have the two parents not doing the same thing, but acting different because of the loss.
A grammar mistake I noted was that you don't put dots at the end of Mr or Mrs
-Mrs Harlow shaking her head sadly
-"I told Mrs Albarn she’d tutor Jenny in maths today.”
-“That poor girl,” added Mr Harlow.
| xEutopiax chapter 3 . 3/8/2008
Alright, the first thing that I can comment about is, that I really sincerely love your characters. You've built up certain characteristics and you've stuck to them. Which is terrific.
It's really easy to sympathize with Tilly actually, I imagine I might feel the same way if that were to happen to me. Even though I admit, it was a bit strange to read this chapter at first, (not the style the circumstances) but I got use to it pretty easy.
Keep it up!
| xEutopiax chapter 2 . 3/8/2008
This is another great chapter. The conversation in this chapter really flows, so much so that I can them having this conversation in my head. Your style of writing also goes great with your story.
| Thoughtless7 chapter 1 . 3/6/2008
(...I swear, every fictionpress story I've read has a British author... XD Your lucky I have a British friend, lest I wouldn't know what lighting a fag was...)
That was a great first chapter. I can totally see trying to stay away from the real world. I mean, deep down, most just wanna go back to when we're little and things are easier. And that last sentence! I have to get off now but I'm definitely going to read/review this story, because you've started it off fantastically.
| criti-sized chapter 1 . 3/5/2008
Hey, here I finally am. Well, to be honest, I was a bit surprised by the fact that the story is supposed to be MxM, but it didn't seem that way when I started to read it. I'm not sure if you'll have it in later chaptes or not, but what the hell, the story's got my attention.
I like your writing. It comes off smooth and easy to get into, and reading it in present tense made it more interesting. The playful nature between Jake, Owen and Tilly is nice... They don't come off as characters to me, but as though they could be real people. And her parents, talk about easy going... Wish mine were like that.
The only thing that I found in the story that stood out a lot was the sentences in parenthesis. I find that majority of the time it's not necessary to have sentences like that, because it distracts readers.
| CatDog-runs-fast chapter 8 . 3/5/2008
i just found thios today and read it all at once. i love it! i like how the characters seem so... real... i suppose. will Gabriel be coming back? and will he play an important part in the story? what will happen to the parents and Jake and Owen?
Keep writing :)
| ImaginaryGirlChild chapter 8 . 3/3/2008
So, I'm curious, where did Gabriel go? Or will I find out later?
| The Egg chapter 3 . 2/22/2008
Chapter 2 didn't really call for me to say much...which is to say that this is the sort of story that is just...a story. I don't think you're writing for reviews, and you're too sincere in your characters to be aiming to please the crowd. At first, I had the tiniest fear that the story just wouldn't appeal to my sense of weirdness...a fear that was dispelled, of course, when Tilly died and her story continued from there.
Maybe the biggest hook in this story is a personal bias for me, but I just really like the idea of Tilly; she's like that teenage girl you saw in instructional anti-substance videos you see when you're young and impressionable, who dies tragically at the end of the stupid thing due to abuse of drugs. The difference is that Tilly is definitely an individual, unlike the girls in the videos, who die as not people, but morals to be heeded. Tilly is INTERESTING. Her friends are INTERESTING.
Great writing, all in all. Though I did have a problem with the word 'castigated', an un-kosher break in the casual, sarcasm-friendly narration that I so liked, and how the paragraphs became so short as the chapter progressed.
Keep it up!
| The Egg chapter 1 . 2/22/2008
Okay, first impressions: Emily Dickinson quote was typical, but piqued interest, and I was impressed by the length of the chapter. Nice and neat, no "cloud" paragraphs, and the quote even served as a sort of bow to what looked like a neatly wrapped present.
You make great use of metaphor and stuff that requires visual imagination, but sometimes this got in your way...midway through, I noticed that The Last Summer could have been quite a bit more ambitious than it already was if the wording was more concrete, more direct. The length could also be seen as both aesthetic and intimidating, but chapter one began very welcomingly, with a casual narrator that's easy to identify with, even if one isn't necessarily British, in high school, or female.
Not only that, but The Last Summer also got me to smile; not in the appreciation-of-irony, psuedo-pretentious way that 'savvy' writers tend to stride for, but with clever quips and sarcasm which (AGAIN) many readers can understand and relate to.
ALSO, there's the great little hook at the end...piques great curiousity. Ahem, in short, Chapter 1 of The Last Summer has excellent chapter form; introduces all major characters, begins welcomingly, ends with sinister interest, and, though the pace was somewhat brisk and a little blurry, has snap. A lot. Way to go on 1...but first impressions aren't always correct, and it's disappointing that even with all its positive aspects, the story still fails to enter that little dome of ambition that I hunt far and wide for. That, and it could use a typo extermination.
I don't have a high bar for first chapters on this particular site, but you know...it might have raised a little.
| LucienofShadow chapter 1 . 2/22/2008
I decided you deserved a review and that I should grit my teeth and read outside me preferred genres. And then I read your first paragraph and it was all worth it. I enjoy your sense of humor.
'feotus' is spelled 'fetus.'
"Obviously in one of his usual talkative moods, Jake shrugged again and shifted uncomfortably in his poncy green army jacket, which he’d bought one weekend on a trip to Camden market and insisted on wearing every minute of every day even though it was summer and about thirty five degrees Celsius going on a million. Of course, Jake is the type of weird person who just doesn’t sweat, like a statue or something.
Actually, I can picture Jake as a statue; one of those amazing Greek marble statues, wonderful to look at with his icy blonde hair and cool blue eyes, slightly broken nose and completely smooth and hairless face. But like a statue, his chiselled expression was sinisterly and grimly set into stone and if you were to break open his cool white exterior underneath you would find nothing but more hard, cold rock."
Firstly I like the description in these two paragraphs. Secondly I like the smooth transition between them. Thirdly, the first sentence of the first one doesn't seem quite right. Jake seems distinctly untalkative to me in this scene, so saying he's in one of his usual talkative moods doesn't make very much sense.
I have trouble understanding why Owen would be friends with the likes of Jake, but I can only assume that it will become clear in time.
Over all, I really like the humanity of your characters. I can believe them, Tills in particular. The really strong point in this was when she confessed that 'she was just glad to have someone to follow.' I also liked the 'when I was already as spoiled as month old milk.'