Reviews for The Last Summer
hiro0911 chapter 1 . 2/17/2008
Hi, hiro here from the review game.

Actually before reading this fic, I haven't clicked on the Young Adult section of Fictionpress yet. So yeah, this is the first review I'm ever giving here. So here's the shot - -

Technicalities first (I personally hate these stuff, btw. I'm pretty bad at them myself)

independence wise - - lacks a 'dash' - - independence-wise

Feels, grownup, or something - - misplaced comma - - probably an ellipsis (... or DOTDOTDOT) will fit better - - Feels... grownup or something

lady liberty - - must be capitalized - - Lady Liberty (since the lighter was in the shape of the Statue of Liberty)

This one has a good starting paragraph. The first person narration came very naturally. In just a single chapter, I could grasp the setting of the story, the animation of the characters, their addiction to smoking (which I too am guilty of haha), the loosening of the bra strap (oh come on, I'm a guy, how could I miss that part haha). Although I think that the name 'Jake' is one of the most overused names in a fic, it was generally a good-flowing read. I noticed that you use the semi-colon too often too where periods could be suffice and better-fitting.

However, as much as the writing style is very 'acceptable' as we call it - good diction, good grammar, smooth-flowing read, I suggest that you put on something that would make it stand out from the others. You see, I've read many fics that kinda gave me the same feeling as this. Probably, it's because it's still Chapter One that's why. I was kinda looking for some kind of 'thrill', or something of that sort. Sometimes, we had to put something unique or something that 'stands-out' in the first chap - something memorable and something that would leave the reader hanging, perhaps a good cliffhanger or maybe a plotted conflict...etc. I think that's what this chapter lacks.

But all in all, I'm at awe of how you could narrate in such superb manner. Keep up the talent. It's rare, you know.

Take care,

hiro
firestar267 chapter 6 . 2/13/2008
Sorry in advance for the crap review.

WOW. This has had me with tears literally streaming down my face, that, right there tells you its amazing. Its so unique and written so well. Seriously i love it. Please update soon i cant wait :)
Otseis Ragnarok chapter 1 . 2/13/2008
Onar- Review game {Depth}

Y'know, you've been pimping this for quite awhuile, and to be honest, I've been avoiding reading it... Now that I have, I have to say: I loved it.

The overly british-ness of every character, with their amazingly obvious individuality... Jake, the perv, Till, the girl... and the brainiac, owen...

The first scene at the school was perfect. It described the angst of one's final year, final day of school... Jake and Till had something going together? Wait, Jake and Till... Jack and Jill(?)

Till and her parents relationship also seemed rather odd. I assumed her to be much more of a rebel than that at first...

And Lightbulbs? A nice little quirk you've found there...

Your descriptions are great, I can practically see everything you describe(But it does get in the way of allowing for a quick read...) And your characters are amazing(Sorry for repeating myself...)

Either way, I look forward to the rest...
StradiNette chapter 6 . 2/10/2008
Wow.

This is the most emotional piece I've ever read. Great job!
Imalefty chapter 6 . 2/9/2008
review game again! :)

"dieing" - i think it's "dying," but maybe yours is the english way of spelling it?

hm... i like tilly's thoughts on mourning. it showed more about her character and her way of thinking (kind of cynical... XD)

"Clair de Lune" - i think it might be "Claire de la lune" but um... i'm not that good in french. XD

nice - first time you've actually had the characters mention how she died. maybe we'll get more on all of their feelings on that...? (tilly, jake, and owen, too?)

"Would youthink about how..." - typo in there. :)

i like how she depicts her life, all in her room. :) that was a nice image, there.

yeah, i'm wondering about what's going to happen next. as always, you've got me waiting for something to happen... XD you've taken a nice twist with this... i thought it would be hard to write a story from a dead girl's point of view, but you've done it rather well. so good job!

i'll wait for more... :)

-Lefty
Imalefty chapter 5 . 2/8/2008
review game! :) (wow, this is a long chapter. hope someone else doesn't take it while i'm still reviewing. XD)

the first sentence is a bit long. you may want to cut it down some... (make it into two?)

i like the paragraph about her mom and the fancy food and other treats... it gave me a sense of her mom's character.

and the paragraph after that was nice... about tilly being jealous of her grandmother's and mother's hands. :) that was sad. good, though... got a glimpse into what tilly feels about not living (not necessarily what she feels about being dead, since you've addressed that already... if you know what i mean?)

whoa, her name's matilda. XD i definitely didn't catch that.

"It continued in much the same vein[;] I'll spare you..." - semicolon inserted...

interesting how she's kind of detached from her childhood, yet that's the way her family remembers her...

i like the last picture thing. (but that massive paragraph is a bit... well... massive. perhaps cut it down if you can?)

there's a weird line break between "I" and "looked around the room." might want to quickly fix the formatting there.

"But nothing happened ' " - weird apostrophe there. probably a typo. :)

"His cold eyes boring moodily into Lizzie's..." - kind of a choppy sentence. i would merge it with the previous one...

yay owen! :)

hahaha, grammar. i like how, even though this is a depressing story, it's still humorous. it makes it easier to read. :) so kudos to you...!

nice freudian slip by jake. XD

aw... now i wonder what's going to happen? jake seems really angry/sad/moody (and i guess he has all the right to) but owen is TRYING. ha, that's why owen is still my fav. :) yay.

overall, you've got nice descriptions and a really nice flow. so good job with that. :)

wow, i missed an update. my eyes are kind of tired right now, but i'll be back soon! (hopefully.)

-Lefty
tabiscus chapter 1 . 2/8/2008
Oh man. I love this, ting tong, i really do. It's hiarious too, and i like that i can identify with the characters. No mary sues, either.

So i got into picking out grammer mistakes and then realized, "oh shit, she's bloody british" and realized i really have no idea how your system works, only something about commas and cojunctions being different than americans.

I did pick out a misspelling- "sceptically" (its in the first paragraph) should be spelled "skeptically". But then you have different spelling, too...oh lud.

erm, maybe "...It’s a small village school, with an even smaller sixth is sort of the school prodigy; he got the..." instead of ""...It’s a small village school, with an even smaller sixth form, Owen is sort of the school prodigy; he got the..."

there was another i was going to ask you about, but i cant remember where it was. foetus? something like that.

Oh hell. I don't know. The point is, i really liked your story and found nothing wrong with the charries or the plot.
xEutopiax chapter 1 . 2/7/2008
Hey!

That was an interesting first chapter, I like how detailed it was. You explained and characterized the main three and I liked that.

Good Job.

Kaiyako K.
Reversed Polarity chapter 3 . 2/7/2008
Ah, and you killed Tilly. Oh well, hah. This chapter's really interesting! It's a little eerie, to be honest. Seeing everyone that you love and yet not being acknowledged can be shocking. As usual, you have excellent descriptions (e.g. "serpents of smoke") and careful poignancy.

"Good things always die. Always. Life snuffs them out so we don’t get too complacent, just so we know who’s in charge."

Amen to that, Jake. Amen.
tinybones chapter 6 . 2/6/2008
This is an amazing story. It's very well written. I love it. Please continue.
Poisonous Panacea chapter 5 . 2/6/2008
...that...please say that's not it! I really enjoy this story, please continue it!
Equilibrium chapter 1 . 2/6/2008
This was a great chapter. I absolutely love your characterisation, which is incredibly realistic, and the way you portray opinions and emotions. Your use of language and writing devices is fantastic, too. I especially like the "cancer or a boyfriend" and "since he was a foetus". Very cute! The story flows really well, and the paragraphs aren't too wordy (which I really envy). I haven't got a clear idea of the plot, but I like where it's going. Keep it up!
Carlette chapter 1 . 2/5/2008
Wow.

I don't even know what to say. The voice you write in is wonderful, and the characters seem very realistic. While reading this I couldn't help but think... this would make a great movie!

You really know how to make readers want more! I'll definately add this to my C2.
Mercyette chapter 1 . 2/5/2008
Ohh, interesting touch you ended the chapter on! It really makes the reader want more out of the next chapter! I really like Tilly. You seem to have given her a unique personality trait that not any people are willing to talk openly about. You've really brought her to life, as well as Jake and Owen. You're vocabualry is very fluent and very nice in this story. You really capture the "tennager" in them all. ;) The only thing I might suggest would be to talk about the characters flaws throughout several chapters, instead of just the first one. That way when we read it, we don't automatically assume they're trouble teenagers out for a great time, etc. Other than that, you're doing wonderful with it!
Poisonous Panacea chapter 4 . 1/31/2008
*glued to the computer*
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