|Reviews for The Last Summer|
| Narc chapter 1 . 1/7/2008
I like the beginning. Her description of her own indecisiveness says a lot about your main character and the sort of person she is. The problem is the fact that she's not so particularly exciting or interesting at that point, and you spent a bulk of this chapter showing this ... so the chapter drags on rather slowly. There's just too much time spent on mundane things like how they feel about the fact that they're smoking. You are doing an outstanding job of showing us your characters, but I wish the story was moving along as well here.
You have a wonderful, original, voice for your main character. Everything that she describes really does sound like something she's thinking about, rather than just a gratuitous description for the sake of the reader.
Great line: "Chislet Illuminated was, as always, illuminated."
Typo, I think: '... all the statistics I found for you about -drunk- driving'
I noticed some punctuation problems. Before and after dialogue you often miss punctuation. That's right when it's in the same sentence, like in "You read," asked Jake. But there should be a period after grinned in 'Dan grinned "Tell you what...' or '..and fluffed her hair."I wouldn't do that Tilly ...'
"Urrgh," I made a great show ... That should be a period after Urrgh because 'I made a great show' is a separate sentence.
"You ready," asked Jake seriously leading out of the window.
Not sure if seriously is modifying the asking or the leaning here, but either way there's a missing comma, either before or after seriously.
'Retorted Jake superciliously'
Yuck! Said-bookism AND an adverb I can't even pronounce. I would take out both. The fact that he's retorting is already obvious.
The biggest problem I saw was really the punctuation. There were a lot of places I saw where it was out of place or missing. I pointed out the ones I could find when I went back over to write the review. Other than that, it's great writing. Not reall my type of story, and it does move pretty slow in this chapter, but so far the writing makes up for that and I'll definitely continue reading.
| Audy chapter 1 . 1/6/2008
Just a couple of things I caught, also...run this through a spell checker because there were a few misspellings here and there, but they're very easy to catch.
"...who plan, have their lives sorted out(comma) and book tables..."
"...And don’t even talk to me about making decisions(,) I hate..."
"...I stand (to?) look (remove:and look) at it all (skeptically) and try to decide (remove: comma,) between all my looking (remove:and looking,) what I want more(comma)..." Boy...I really didn't like this sentence, as I read it, the words just kept stumbling...I don't like the repetition of 'look', maybe it'd be better without? Here's the revised sentence:
"...I stand to look at it all skeptically and try to decide between all my looking what I want more..." And even still I would probably remove 'between all my looking'. See, if you can say what you are trying to say in less words, then please do. Flowery words do not help the story.
"...so she can (choose) for me..."
"...I wasn’t excited or particularly keen, about that wide..." remove the comma
"... I drifted back into (the) school to wait..."
"...of our forty strong year(s?)..."
Lol, I like the bit about Owen. -Only person in Chemistry? xD I'd bet...I hated Chemistry :K Also liked how you said 'Our' Owen -very cute xD
"...I saw two (year-eleven) girls..."
"...Jake (was) always generous about..."
Love your characters ) They're so refreshing to read and well-characterized.
"...It was one of those dog days(comma)..."
"...I felt for poor Owen, (who?) sat in the stuffy school gym..."
"...while the ink from his pen boiled onto his paper..." Loved that line xDD
lol -funeral line made me giggle. We also get a nice exchange between protagonist & mother which is really nice.
"...Or when he was about to come(go?)..."
"...his effort into a story he was telling (remove:to) Jake..."
Are shop names italicized? I don't think they're either italicized or in quotations...you don't see McDonald's or "Wendy's" then again, grammatical rules might be different in England? I haven't a clue...
"...We also had the largest electricity bill known to man..." xD lol!
"... the lines (on) his face sufficiently lit by a desk lamp..."
"...rendering all foot insulation completely unnecessary..." xD lol! This is really such a pleasure to read, it's so humorous.
I really enjoyed reading this and getting into Tilly's head. Your characters are among the best I've read on this site, I luff them and it's only the first chapter xD And your story is really humorous, I laughed so many times in all of this. This is really well written too, just make sure you keep your verb tenses consistent. There were a few present-tense verbs, but I think I caught them for you. Anyway, it's really an enjoyable story, definitely a favorite of mine. Also loved all your descriptions and your dialogue. You did an excellent job with this D
| Julian Laverne chapter 2 . 1/5/2008
There is something about the way you end your chapters that makes the reader really wonder. They have a good sense of finality to them but yet it always feels like there's more possibility.
This chapter was just executed so perfectly. There's no other way I can think of expressing such topics so sensibly as by your own hand. I feel as though I got to know the characters a bit better in this chapter and their history. The relationship between Tilly and Jake seems indefinately clarified with the explanation of this kind of "love" that she feels for him but once again, her indecisive character seems to want to digress from that whenever Jake tells her to do anything. I still feel as though I am in the dark with Owen; he still comes off as very mysterious and clouded but it only makes the reader's interest grow in his intentions. The fact that his father is a doctor is interesting, to me it's almost a metaphor to Owen being a "fixer" of matters, one who keeps things stable.
I'll admit I was a bit confused at that part about the 45 year old teacher, I don't know if it was because they were drunk and mixed up their pronouns, but I was under a really different impression.
Overall, a very stunning chapter and I cannot wait but to read more if there will be more.
| The Other Smith chapter 1 . 1/4/2008
So beautiful...eyes hurting from it all...*gasp*.
There's something ingenious about the way you've introduced the characters, the setting, and everything someone needs to become completely and utterly absorbed. The characters themselves were living, and breathing off the page, so simple, yet filled with the complexities of life. As someone has already said, Till's fear of the future and making choices in where to go in her life are particularly relateable, reflecting so much of the insecurities felt in one's own existence. The dialogue, like everything else, was so smooth and natural, and seemed like it was crafted by a master sculpter (excuse the corny talk).
The only minute little thing is that you appear to be missing some form of punctuation after a sentence, and prior to dialogue. Example, in “You ready,” asked Jake seriously leaning out of the window “for the first in a series of completely mental nights?”, I feel like there should be something after window, perhaps a comma or period? You've also got Owen repeating himself in: “Maybe tomorrow we could go tomorrow, if no one’s busy” said Owen. Notice you're also missing the comma after busy. But really, I don't think I should have the right to point anything out, considering what a masterpiece this is.
Thanks a lot for posting, and I really hope I'll be able to learn something from reading your work.
| Wounded Warrior chapter 2 . 1/3/2008
I love all your descriptions. Seriously. You have a unique way of describing things that definitely keeps my attention.
Overall, this story has a strong voice. And I found the character relationships interesting. The dynamics between the three friends intrigues me (Owen likes Jake, doesn't he? I dunno, maybe I'm off.)
Also, just Tilly in general. She has a strong personality. Both girly and tom-boyish. She's not afraid to just be who she is. I'll be honest though, I don't know if I like her or not. Sometimes I like her but other times she irks me a little.
Well, I can't wait to see how you continue it. ]
| Imalefty chapter 2 . 1/3/2008
review game again! :)
i really like that first paragraph. "like having opium in a space ship" - what a strange description! but i think it suits the piece well, and it really helps us to understand where you're going... in a twisted sort of way.
i think what really makes this story is the relationship between your three main characters... the plot isn't exactly "original" - drugs and sex has been used before - but your main characters are different in some way or another...
tilly is one of the girliest girls i've read about, but she's also very much one of the guys. it's a strange mix... not that that's bad. :) her behavior is also really frustrating, but it's also interesting at the same time... like i said in the previous review, i like her and dislike her at the same time.
her relationships with jake and owen are really different... it's like she "loves" them both, is "just friends" with them both, and is "easy" with them both. weird. it makes for some nice interactions. :)
so far, i think i like owen the best. he's the most "down to earth" i guess you could say, and he's the most mysterious to me... like... he's obviously really smart, so why does he go along with the others who... it seems... have no real ambitions in life?
i wonder where you're going with this? once she's knocked out because of the drugs... what's going to happen? i'm sure you'll figure out some way to further push the plot. :)
your descriptions when she's totally bombed/high are really good - they're suitable to the situation and not overly flowery. good job with that.
and also... i think it's weird that you called this chapter "the end," since it's obviously the beginning... :) i wonder why you chose that title...
anyway, great job so far. keep writing!
| Imalefty chapter 1 . 1/1/2008
catching intro, even if the paragraph is a bit hefty for the screen. i like the floating out of the womb part. there were a few typos... "sceptically" should be "skeptically." also, the slogans are a bit awkwardly worded... you may want to reword those ("these berries will stop you FROM getting cancer" etc.)
maybe it's just that i don't live in england... but what's "GCSE?" you might want to say what it is so that some readers don't get confused...
the sentence starting with "Actually, I can picture Jake as a statue" is rather long (it's one whole paragraph)... you may want to cut it down, split it into two, or something along those lines.
interesting last line... does this mean that they're going to die? i guess they're all going to do something stupid, that's for sure. :) i actually didn't catch on to tilly being a girl until the boob line... i thought she was a guy the whole time. (haha... oops)
basically, this chapter is a bit long (maybe it's just me). in my opinion (stylistically, i guess) i like shorter first chapters that really catch the readers' attention quickly. this caught my attention, but it was a little long for my taste.
if you look over it, you'll find a few careless typos here and there, which is really no big deal (there are bound to be typos in a long chapter like this). i won't waste your time pointing all of them out, but you should be able to find them easily with one read-through.
character wise... everyone has such personality! :) somehow, i like and dislike tilly at the same time... she's very real yet somehow very frustrating. not that that's a bad thing - it makes the character a bit deeper. (i think...)
plot wise... you haven't REALLY advanced the plot much, but this is just the first chapter. i trust that you'll move the story along more in the next chapter. :)
good job so far! keep writing!
| Julian Laverne chapter 1 . 12/28/2007
Seriously, this story is really what has been needed around here for the longest time. I really take my hat off to you. The straight out reality and realness that you showed here are concepts that many authors struggle with and you wrote it all with such grace.
First of all, I have to say that your characters are so simple but yet so complex that I really can't help but wonder "what could have been." Tilly, first of all, is the utmost relatable persona. Her irresolute attitude towards facing the "big world" and the future are so relatable; she is someone that everyone has a connection to. Jack firstly comes off as the "camel smoking, army jacket donning" cad who doesn't really seem creditable at first, but his interest in seeing the world and travelling really make you wonder how his trip would have affected him.
Owen, I found to be the most intriguging character-so held back and withdrawn he is. There is a very mysterious way about him and you can't help but wonder what his intentions of the future would have been. The reference of the sexual encounter with Tilly is also a very interesting key point of the story, for it didn't seem in his nature to take such an action.
And finally, I can't seem to get the last sentence of your story out of my head. There's such a haunting and careless mood to it that really reminded me of something I would see from one of Faulkner's works.