Reviews for The Last Summer
B. J. Winters chapter 2 . 5/14/2008
Dialogue: Again, very strong both in choice of words and tone. I was able to follow the multiperson flow without lots of extra qualifiers. I particularly enjoyed the discussion with Mitch. It leads well into the next events as effective foreshadowing.

The ending: I loved the depiction of death. Most vivid imagery – particularly the dog chew toy. Very vivid and relatable. Makes me want to read on - because death is not the end...etc... :)

Flow: I’ll admit that I’m enjoying the English spelling, and depiction. Be careful though on over use of slang. This for instance: “You look nice tonight, Tills” said Jake seriously, staring at me with his cool blue eyes as his arm extended around mine. “You know, you’re probably the best looking ginger person I’ve ever met.” – {I don’t know what a ginger person is, or Breezers used a few sentences later. While I can assume on the drinks and the long term parking lot this chapter is very heavy with slang. Just be sure you are using this where it adds value, and help us poor ignorant souls from getting distracted and wanting to run off and use google so we can amaze our friends}

Grammar/Spelling stuff:

There was a large stark white bar area which was lit by bright white panelled lighting, {paneled}

“And you, Jake, what tantalising future lies ahead of you?” {tantalizing}

We drank more, we drank a lot more. {I’d use a semicolon}

You recognise them instantly; people flock around them, hoping to pick up some of that amazing buzz irradiating from them and into the atmosphere though they stand apart from any crowd and it can be the best feeling in the world if they ask you to join their dancing. {recognize. A bit awkward in phasing – maybe too many pronouns?}
B. J. Winters chapter 1 . 5/14/2008
I’ve been meaning to get over hear and read this. I know you’re fairly happy with this first chapter – so I’ll be brief.

Characters/Descriptions: I really enjoyed the Jake picture you painted – unique and artistic in both wording and word choices. I would however have liked more information about your main character sooner – name for instance. Maybe Jake can use it in the first line of dialogue, rather than waiting until page 3.

Dialogue: Most enjoyable and age appropriate. The bra strap thing – genius. I also liked that you used casual words, and some fragments to keep the flow even.

Opening: The poem is interesting – but I’m not sure you need it.

Closing: I liked the last line. Nice forshadowing to read on.


I would stand still and look at it all sceptically and try to decide what I wanted more; cancer or a boyfriend, and in the end I would always just call my mum so she could choose for me. {skeptically, I think you need a comma rather than a semicolon after more – and I’d break it into two sentences loosing the “and”. I think that the “In the end” phrase would have more impact stand alone.}

The first sentence would read better without the “There Are” and passive voice. In my opinion there is never a reason to have “There are”, or “There is” start a sentence. {Some people plan, and have their lives sorted out, booking tables at restaurants months in advance. I was never that type of person. I drifted through life from the day I was born; I could have floated out of my mother’s womb…}

Jake was planning some big trip that he’d been saving for since he was a foetus and I was just hoping it would all turn out all right in the end without actually doing anything for myself. {fetus}

I wasn’t excited or particularly keen about that wide open space they liked to call the future much either; it could have been a snow white mountain set against a snow white sky while it snowed for all that I could picture of it. {I’d delete the “while it snowed”}

But like a statue, his chiselled expression was sinisterly and grimly set into stone and if you were to break open his cool white exterior underneath you would find nothing but more hard, cold rock. {chiseled}

Chislet looked idyllic enough, especially in the sun when everythingwas in Technicolor; {spacing}
GrannyP chapter 18 . 5/12/2008
Oh wow. She finally did it, at the end. I guess she just needed closure.

I was surprised that Tilly wasn't able to communicate with any living people in this story, but I am glad that you didn't go that route. It would have been too "Ghost" or "Ghost Dad" movies all over again. Haha. I can't believe I just thought of the movie "Ghost Dad"... what weird things my mind can come up with. Do you even know what this movie is? It's old.

Anyway, I am always picky about endings of stories, but fortunately you passed my test. I can't stand it when something is too neatly wrapped up at the end or when we hear all about every character's future over the next twenty years or so. That just doesn't cut it for me. We need a little vagueness, and I like that you have done that here; recognizing that these characters do have a future but not necessarily telling us what it is. Thank you so much for doing that. Your abilities as a writer have been confirmed for me, if they hadn't already been apparent beforehand.

Excellent story overall. I am glad that Written recommended this for me. I probably wouldn't have read it otherwise, but I am thankful she found it so that I could as well.
GrannyP chapter 17 . 5/12/2008
Aww... I love Jake's (semi) new attitude. He's finally confessed his feelings for Owen. Seriously, the scene where he said he likes the hugging.. that was absolutely adorable. And I'm glad he lived, as much as I felt a bit uncertain about him before. And I am glad that Tilly realized how selfish she was being, not thinking about Owen.
GrannyP chapter 16 . 5/12/2008
Wow, that was a pretty powerful chapter. Very well-written indeed.
CatDog-runs-fast chapter 18 . 5/11/2008
Wel done! you finished!

I liked how you tied in Gabriel's family and the last line. it was fantastic.

i will be looking out for anymore stories you might be wrting in the future.
GrannyP chapter 15 . 5/11/2008
hmm... I am finding Tilly's reaction a bit selfish, and then I feel a bit guilty for feeling that way about her. I mean, she is the main character and all (in a way) and usually we are supposed to like the main character or feel sympathy for her or something. I don't know if I can do that here. Well, it definitely makes for an interesting story.
GrannyP chapter 14 . 5/11/2008
Wow. Just wow. Loved the part when Jake kissed Owen in front of the girl and just completely shattered her. Okay, now I sound a bit evil for thinking that was awesome. But really, it was, just because it was so JAKE. But poor Owen. I feel so bad for him.
GrannyP chapter 13 . 5/11/2008
Jake, Jake, Jake... he makes me giggle a bit, mostly because I don't know what makes his head move. Well, yes, I do, but he's just so different to me, for some reason.

Nice last couple of chapters though. I wonder what Tilly will have to sit through next.
rassoodock chapter 18 . 5/11/2008
i would ask for a sequel, but i figured that might be a bit impossible. shit, you better start up something else soon. the happy ending thing worked, which i am so glad for. they normally end up sucking something awful, but this was not only happy, but believeable. this was a great story, truely.
GrannyP chapter 11 . 5/10/2008
Love dad's breakdown. I'd love to do that myself sometime. Tilly must feel very guilty now, now that it's her fault so many people are so messed up. But still sad.
GrannyP chapter 10 . 5/10/2008
My suspicions about Owen are turning out to be more accurate than I thought, but I still have no idea where this story is going. I like it when things keep me guessing.
0ri chapter 18 . 5/10/2008
aw ~ what a nostalgic ending. I really liked it. I got all sad because a distant friend of mine died very young. It was a really good story, I'm sorry that my review isn't.. any more thorough then that, but, yeah. Good job !
xAssenax chapter 18 . 5/10/2008
That was so sad, but I love the ending... I want to know what happens next...
Elodus chapter 18 . 5/10/2008
loved the way you ended this great story all around
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