|Reviews for Thread of a Different Sort|
| soccer diva chapter 33 . 1/14/2008
Wow. This story is awesome! There were some mistakes (I'm not going into specifics because I read all the chapters together, not one by one) but they were grammar mistakes, not plot or character ones, so they didn't really take away from the story. I'm not sure that I understand how a hex made him into the most powerful magician there is, so I hope that you'll explain that in the future (or in a reply). I also hope that Freya and her history will be elaborated on a little bit more in future chapters. Other than that, my only suggestion would be to reread the story and check for those grammatical errors. There were quite a few times where you left out a word in the sentence, and so the sentence didn't flow, and I had to go back and be like, oh, the word '_' should be here. But I really enjoyed the story. You came up with a pretty unique idea here! At least I haven't read anything a lot like it before. Can't wait for the next segment (there better be one!;)) Peace and love,
| A.R.B chapter 26 . 1/7/2008
Very nice story here. I don't have time to go into a full on critique, but shoot me an e-mail if you want to talk. Just a comment on the over all structure and voice/style. The first section, I absolutely loved - it was not your usual magical boarding school! You handled the passage of time and everything quite beautifully. One thing I would like to know more about is the world, but that can take some time.
Finally, one last point about your voice. You really have a way with words, and the voice you chose for this piece is very appropriate. It's unique - but sometimes it seems a little too... soothing? I'm not sure, I'd have to do a second read through to clarify my thoughts a bit. Just - it's very unique, which is hard to come across these days.
| Narc chapter 2 . 1/7/2008
Okay. On to chapter two. I thoughgt this opening line was great. Would have been even better as a story-opener, but I can understand your reasoning for wanting to start with the father. Personally, I would have let the reader see nothing of the human side of him until later in the story. Make it a surprise.
'explained' is one of the tamer 'said-bookisms' but is still better replaced by 'said' here because its already clear that Conner is explaining something.
'So he just sat there, and he just took it.' I would take out the second 'he just' to avoid the repetition. I like the repetition you used of 'expressionless' afterwards, but here the double 'he just' kind of ruins the flow.
Typo: 'Simon stared out AT what remained'
Simon is the POV character here, so I find it a little odd to see him described. This is a description as it would be seen from another character. Personally, I would leave out the physical description entirely for now because things like his hair and eye color aren't really all that important. Things like his inappropriate sense of humor is really somehting better shown in his actions, not described.
'He blinked several times and turned his torso slightly so that he could look at her.' I think you're going to far into the weeds and seeds of every little action. It slows down the pacing of the story, and at the beginning you really want things to move very quickly. Just say that he turned and move on.
Hehe. This girl sounds interesting. I like how she popped out of nowhere.
"I don't think you're crazy," Simon said defensively. Again. Look at the adverb, read the sentence, and decide whether it really adds something or not. Here, we already know he's being defensive.
"I'm not crazy," he assured her' should start a new line.
'Si' seems kind of unnatural for a nickname. It's not that it's too short. It's just not as natural to say as other similar nicknames, like 'Joe' for instance. Too harsh. Does he really need a nickname? Simon is a pretty short name.
This is starting to slow down quite a bit as we get into the conversation between the two of them. I haven't read beyond this point, so I can't say where this would be better, but you might want to think about putting this full-length conversation about his father to a bit later, after we've already been introduced to the institute. Though, I like the foreshadowing here. I would still say consider saving most of this conversation for later if you can still do it without cutting out the impending doom of 'You're a fool to think that institute does anything but destroy lives'
| Mad Asher chapter 2 . 1/6/2008
I like where this story is going! Actually quite frankly Im glad to see a story about a boy, theres not a lot on here, and the story so far flows very well. The only criticism I can offer is that I kinda skipped chapter one, cos it was kinda boring. Also 'Si' seems a bit short and odd for a nickname, dont you think?
| Narc chapter 1 . 1/6/2008
Okay. I'm going to give this a full-out critique because you do seem to be pretty serious about writing and getting published. So please don't take my nitpickiness personally. I think you're a pretty darn good writer.
I first have to say something about your disclaimer about 'it gets better as it goes on'. A statement like that will turn me away from an otherwise good story. If your beginning is a weak part, that's something to focus on, not just promise that it'll get better. Most people decide whether or not they're going to read a story in the first couple paragraphs.
"the grim, uneasy man told him friend assured him"
'him friend' should be 'his friend' and 'assured him' shouldn't be there. Also, there's nothing wrong with telling us the name of the 'grim uneasy man' at this point. It's not a secret, after all.
The whole addendum about lying between his teeth is out of place. We don't know enough yet for it to make any sense and it doesn't foreshadow or clarify anything later on.
'shot back in disgust, whispering so fiercely he was practically yelling' Far too many descriptors there. Let the dialogue speak for itself. Use the actions and dialogue show that he's disgusted.
'told him pleadingly' I'm not the sort of person who jumps on all adverbs and says that they're bad. But whenever you have an adverb to tag dialogue, think seriously about it. Does it really tell the reader anything else, or is it redundant in the context of the dialogue? In this case, it's already obvious by the dialogue.
I think you do a very good job of showing the mood of the conversation through your characters' actions. A really good job. Let that do the speaking instead of all these descriptors attached to their speech. You're selling your own writing short by using them.
I love the exchange about whether or not Edgar killed Conner's cat.
'Conner would have gladly ... had Jamison not interjected' Don't need that sentence. The dash shows that he's being cut off by Jamison. Again, you're describing what's already clear.
'the waiter who Jamison had just asked questioned asked in a respectful but clearly bored manner.'
As the reader, I really don't care about the waiter and his tone. Including information like that just slows down the scene. Conner is your POV character. Is he noticing that the waiter is respectful but bored? No. He's thinking about the fact that he has to pay for his buddy's meal. So it's description that doesn't add anything.
I don't think this was a bad beginning. I get the feeling that the main character is not Conner, but his son, so I personally would rather have seen the story start from his son's POV. Having it start with a conversation between his father and a friend makes me think that the plot's going to have a slow start from this point.
I hope my crit comes in use. Let me know if you want me to clarify anything I said, because I tend to ramble. I'll try to come back to this one to read later chapters.
| anonymous chapter 4 . 12/30/2007
it isn't terrible, as some say, but if you want this story to survive, you'll need to get something exciting in there soon. Also, make sure to look over your work before you post. Some of your phrasing is awkward. i'd really like to see what you can do with the idea, because it sounds pretty good.
| Lynn K. Hollander chapter 1 . 12/30/2007
In your attention to detail and some of the emotions your characters display you seem to have a very feminine voice. Are you a young woman?
| DaxLP chapter 2 . 12/30/2007
Don't worry mate. J.K. Rowling is a disgrace to writers everywhere, if her steaming pile of crap known as Harry potter was a success then anyone can do it. Overall I think it looks alright, just slap a *few overused tragic backgrounds onto your plot then you'll have people like 'fellow' eating out of your hands.
*DO NOT DO THIS FOR PI'S SAKE!
| fellow chapter 1 . 12/29/2007
No, I'm sorry, but being an English major -I can not give this an outstanding review-it's a bit too dry, not all of it, but you really need to beef up most of it. It's alright as a ruff draft.