|Reviews for Penumbra: A Witchwolf Chronicle|
| Nyx'sReincarnation chapter 50 . 5/10/2012
amazing story! It was a bit slow in the beginning, and there were a few mistakes, but I loved it!
Keep up the great work!
| alexisrenee chapter 50 . 10/7/2011
Oh my GOD!
This is amazing! I can't believe this isn't an ebook and on the bestsellers list! I really can't. There are a lot of books that are almost wastes of paper and ink. This would most definitely NOT be one of them!
I can't wait to read the next part!
| selfdestuct chapter 13 . 4/25/2011
Firstly, wearing skirts with no underwear? Yeah, that's Scotland not Ireland. Ireland is known for potatoes, not kilts - so I'm not completely sure how you managed to mix those up.
This is probably as far as I'll read, so feel free to disregard any of the following criticisms if you don't agree with them or something happens later on in the story to make my points stupid or whatever. I don't believe your characters have enough substance, I personally think they're all rather similar and if asked to describe them, my answer would be more focussed on tiny physical details than attributes of their personality. I know nothing about Rosa or Billy, and my knowledge of Vincent and Alia is pretty much limited to 'attractive'. That's it. Coleen we know almost nothing about, other than Coray's father describing her as kind. I don't believe that I, as a reader, experienced that facet of her personality enough. She's concerned about Coray, sure, so I get that they're in love. I just really think that you need to focus on how your characters are being presented - if they're being presented at all.
Back to description, things like the hogrodon need more. In a fantasy story like this, description is key. A hogrodon is not a familiar thing to most people, and you as a writer should exploit that in order to explore your descriptive talent. You can't leave us with a couple of words - description should be prominent in a fantasy story.
I also believe that this story would've been better had it been about one person who is going through these changes. At the moment, there is a witch, a witch candidate and a werewolf in your cast of main characters. Obviously, a certain degree of unrealistic is expected in a fantasy story but this just seems rushed because you're trying so hard to fit them all in. One or two otherworldly creatures is fine, but more than that (and I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't stop at 3) is a little bit stupid, in my opinion. It's meant to be set in our world, right? Out of all the characters introduced, major or minor, it seems that werewolves and witches are outnumbering the normal humans. I don't think that should be happening in a story like yours.
There are also a few grammar/spelling mistakes that perhaps you need to think about dealing with. Things like your instead of you're, etc. A small point, but just something that's important to a grammar nazi like me :)
I also find it rather unrealistic that Coray's dad can just go "I'm 150 years old!" and he accepts that almost immediately. Not only that, but shouldn't we have seen more hints of that? Just one phone call when he speaks Celtic isn't enough. There should be more hints, perhaps a mention of some old-fashioned language. It makes it more fun, and more realistic. Realism may seem pointless to you in a fantasy story, but you still need to characters and personalities don't abide by different rules because witches and werewolves are involved.
Character development is key, and I hope that if I do decide to keep reading, I'll see some. People, especially teenagers, will change going through something like this. There needs to evidence of this.
Lastly, background info. Stuff like Alia and Vincent's history, more about Stacey, and definayely how Witches work. What does being the Warlock Prince mean? Is he a figure of authority? Does he have any duties? What, or who, is stopping werewolves and witches from exposing themselves? There must be some sort of heirarchy going on, and I for one would like to know what it is.
I don't mean to be rude, so please don't think that. I just believe that if you're on fictionpress then you're interested in bettering your writing and constructive criticism is the best way to do that. I hope all this makes sense to you, but feel free to PM me or whatever if you want to defend your story or find out what I meant :)
| BlackTreaderWolf chapter 1 . 1/5/2010
| Varoth chapter 2 . 8/4/2009
This chapter was not as good as the first.
Primarily because Coray barely puts up a struggle. HE's told he's a witch, and he basically accepts it. She shows him a glass of water and he accepts it.
Decent, possibly more description.
And in the first line 'Coray tried to jolt awake'...that makes no sense. Maybe Coray tried to jolt himself awake is what you meant.
| Varoth chapter 1 . 8/4/2009
Wow, its really sad that you wrote a 100,0 word story and no one reviewed it.
Well, chapter one was decent, although I honestly felt bored at the beginning/prologue. You don't really describe how your characters look, but that's not too important.
It reads well, is smooth, but possibly a bit more detail.
Now to chapter 2!