|Reviews for World Of Happiness|
| May Elizabeth chapter 1 . 11/21/2008
The only issue with this poem is punctuation. Other than that I like it. Relatable. Peace.
| Counting Petals chapter 1 . 10/31/2008
Hello, RM winner! Here's your second prize review!
Uh...I'm not digging this one. It seemed to...sickly sweet to me, like with the mention of the "secret world" and "candies" and things related to that. I specifically didn't like the "magical world of happiness" part because I was expecting something darker with the subject matter of the poem, and this didn't fit very well.
| everybodydancenow98 chapter 1 . 8/2/2008
Great! I think it was an exceptional poem/story. Good on you!
| lymli chapter 1 . 3/18/2008
it's a piece very confident, I can relate to this, even if it's sad it's as if you were trying to find yourself in a good way full of hope.
ps: omg I want to say sorry I gave two reviews to "harmless" it was an accident T.T
| ChilledHeart chapter 1 . 3/12/2008
I forgot to say that my last review for this was a prize for winning the
Review Marathon, so I hope it's okay that I'm telling you now.
| The Psychopath Blonde chapter 1 . 3/12/2008
I liked this because of how you described it, especially the part where you said, "or maybe I was absent when everyone recieved the mapt to happiness". That was my favorite part.
I think that you should have used some symonyms for 'happiness', maybe.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 2/27/2008
Heya! Another review from me because you won the Review marathon! :D I'm trying to give ya some wannabe-depth reviews for your stuff, since you did such an awesome job and deserve good reviews. Excuse my lack of knowledge of poems though :P
First, before I go on the poem, I wanna say that your summary has misspelled the word review to "revuews" and it looks funny :P
Okay, I know this is a style, but like I said in my last review; it's annoying when people can't capitalize properly. At least the I should be capitalized :/ It looks like non-serious internet speak otherwise.
"they have the secret
the light to lead them
to a world of smiles
flowers, candies, love"
I don't really get this. A world of flowers and candy? Hun, just go to your local store, and you'll find some :P
But seriously, this felt weak to me as I think this was supposed to show what word you wanted to live in, and the material things exist in any normal, non-third world country... Maybe its what they represent, but you already mention those (smiles, love, hope)
About 1st paragraph (or stanza as you poets seem to call it):
I am sad to say this was a weak, standard opening, and it was quite...well...unimaginative. I did not see any clever words on play, or exciting metaphors.. It wasn't a wise choice to start the poem with this.
And in the 5th, I have a question:
Who is "you"? It's just thrown in there.
I am liking the usage of metaphors, but they grew too many and too bland. Lantern, secret light, key, map... It's a whole lot of things that you used to have but lost them all, yet it doesn't give much effect. I'd suggest keeping the metaphors to as low as possible, but using them as cleverly as possible.
You had the potential in this, but essentially I don't think you delivered it all too well because it all was too much, and too repetitive. All the paragraphs ended up being a sort of repeat of the 1st, basically saying the same thing.
So I am sad to say I did not enjoy this much :/ Sorry mini-martini.
| Blissfully Sarcastic chapter 1 . 1/31/2008
I have to admit...This isn't my favourite poem of yours.
"all knowledge of joy
erased from my memory
impossible to carry on
towards the happiness
normal people enjoy"
It seemed to repeat too much, which made me lose a lot of my interest right there.
"they have the secret
the light to lead them
to a world of smiles
flowers, candies, love
most importantly hope"
If your lantern is out, and you're unhappy and hopeless, it can be assumed that their lantern is still burning.
"somehow I lost my key
to this secret world
or maybe I was absent
when everyone received
the map to happiness"
You went from a lantern to a key to a map. That's pretty much an oxymoron.
Very, /very/ repetitive (and not in a good way either).
I know you can do much better if you tried, I've seen your writing, and this is far from your best. I think you just got lazy for this poem. (Sorry if I seem /too/ pushy.)
| 1overE chapter 1 . 1/26/2008
Stupid thing is keeping me from reviewing more than every 22 seconds... ((Sigh)) It's so sad, but very creative...
| lookin4nemo chapter 1 . 1/18/2008
This is great! my fav is "maybe is was absent when everyone recieved the map to happiness."
it is great! keep it up
| smile for the sunshine chapter 1 . 1/17/2008
that was really nice. the on going metaphors throughout the poem, about the map and the key, we're nice. liked it very much so. good work!
| XxXKristie MarieXxX chapter 1 . 1/14/2008
Love the Poem. Thats how i've felt somedays. That i'm not gonna be happy but isee everyone around me hapy and i'm not. Then your last lines reminds me of someone to. Great job. I can relate alot to your work. Never give up writing _
| Militant Poet chapter 1 . 1/12/2008
aw, a very nice poem
| Julius Gillian chapter 1 . 1/12/2008
Sorry it take me so long to review, I've been busy.
This is a thoughtful poem, I think it's very creative what you did with the words that you chose.
The first stanza is honest and plain. I never understood why people would want to crawl back into misery just to feel something when they're depressed or bitter. Is it due to stubborness? What is so attractive about wanting to be darker in your mood than you already are? It makes me wonder.
I think the second stanza is my favorite being the most descriptive stanza in the whole piece. Nonetheless, like the first stanza it's very honest. 'my lantern blew out and my hope evaporated' is a great line, rather than just using light and dark imagery to conjure up the opposite emotion. I don't like that at all because it's too typical for my taste.
'normal people enjoy'. Hah, what is normal? What happiness is normal? Interesting.
This third stanza elaborates on the last two lines of the previous stanza. I'm kinda contemptuous here, not what you wrote but the idea that I view behind it. I mean sometimes when people are anxious, paranoid, or upset they tend to say 'everyone' dislikes them or that 'why can't I be like everyone else who's normal' when that is such a misleading sentence. I can't believe anybody actually falls for that trap. So really, who is they? Shouldn't it be you? How can someone's happiness be dependent on others?
That's just my opinion, sorry for ranting!
'flowers, candies, love, most importantly hope'
The first line makes me think of material possessions, and then something money can't buy. I like these two lines, good.
This next stanza is adventurous, or describes an adventure. I like it. I like it when you elaborate when you write 'or maybe I was absent' as if you're an outcast missing out on all the parties and cool stuff people are doing. Isn't it peculiar how people make up imaginary people to base their misery on?
The last stanza somewhat confuses me. Who is the 'you'? Again there's that dependence on this somebody you need in order to be happy. But anyway, I wonder where this person appeared because in the other stanzas this poem wasn't directed at anyone until now.
Oh yeah, your reviewer 'review' pointed out how you didn't use capitilization. I have no clue what he's talking about, but I think it's cool that you're using this style. I will take longer to look at an 'I' than an 'i' so I think it's very effective, along with any other type of punctuation that gives a crutch to the poem.
Overall I liked it. Your poetry seems like it caters for a wide audiance of any age, you have a very general writing style for instance, and I think because everyone can relate to it, gives it its 'general' nature.
Good job, keep writing :)
| review chapter 1 . 1/10/2008
more prose than anything, so i've noticed.
no capitalization? for me, it really adds to the listlessness (i.e. hopeless enough to neglect proper punctuation?).
good work regardless, to say the least.