Reviews for Bei Ming Jian
InSilverShadows chapter 2 . 4/4/2008
Another great chapter. I think that the choppy paragraphs aren't working in your favor in this longer chapter. It breaks up the smooth flow of your 'storyteller's' narraration:

"Especially if its such sharp metal as Lan Ling Zi’s sword, the blade had efficiently and easily sliced through the fox. Bei Ming smiled for a short moment before the smile froze. It was quickly wiped off in the next moment. The fox thrown at Bei Ming was dead. Sure. But the fox was absolutely heavier than Bei Ming, a toddler …

And right at this very moment, Bei Ming was situated near the edge of the cliff.

The weight of the fox easily threw Bei Ming off balance and he tumbled down into the valley."

But what if it was read like this:

"Especially if its such sharp metal as Lan Ling Zi’s sword, the blade had efficiently and easily sliced through the fox. Bei Ming smiled for a short moment before the smile froze. It was quickly wiped off in the next moment. The fox thrown at Bei Ming was dead. Sure. But the fox was absolutely heavier than Bei Ming, a toddler.

And right at this very moment, Bei Ming was situated near the edge of the cliff. The weight of the fox easily threw Bei Ming off balance, and he tumbled down into the valley."

Or even like this:

"Especially if its such sharp metal as Lan Ling Zi’s sword, the blade had efficiently and easily sliced through the fox. Bei Ming smiled for a short moment before the smile froze. It was quickly wiped off in the next moment. The fox thrown at Bei Ming was dead. Sure. But the fox was absolutely heavier than Bei Ming, a toddler, and right at this very moment, Bei Ming was situated near the edge of the cliff.

The weight of the fox easily threw Bei Ming off balance and he tumbled down into the valley."

Much like you say Chinese words can do, the way you align paragraphs can have different effects on the sense of flow, drama, and suspense in a story. I think you could really have fun playing with the arrangement of your sentence structures. :P

Again, trying to be helpful in your transition to a new writing style. Hopefully I don't come across as anal. XD
InSilverShadows chapter 1 . 4/4/2008
First off, it's a good start, and you have a good sense of story. But though I like the feel of the 'storyteller' narraration (can you not see a little old man reading this aloud? :P) I get distracted by use of the same phrases... 'aged man' and 'toddler.' It's a little bit repetitive. Use some other phrases. 'Child', or 'older man.' Even just 'man.' :P Another thing that I got a little caught on was in this line:

"All life, that is, apart from two men.

Two men. One aged, the latter a toddler."

I don't know why I dislike the diction here. I think it's maybe that you get the wrong impression from the phrase 'men.' Maybe try something along the lines of "All life, that is, apart from an aging man, and a child." Or something. :P It might just be that we have very different writing styles.

I hope I've been helpful to you with this. :D