|Reviews for Irony|
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 4/25/2009
Reviewing from the Review Marathon! *link on profile*
I like that although this poem is about losing control, in a way, it's also about laughing at yourself. Everyone needs to take a chill pill sometimes, and I like how you portrayed that. It was pretty creative.
I also like how you change moods in the middle of the story, making it more positive at the end. It made me see that the story was going somewhere, and the change left me interested.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 4/21/2009
Hello RM winner! Congrats on first place, here's your 1st review!
"The universe is saying,"
"The truth is you’re right"
I am confused. This is the first line from two following stanzas...is the universe "you"?
If not: Confusing, because no other thing was introduced other than the universe, and it can apparently talk too, so this third character doesn't make sense
If it is: Well that makes sense :p It's just that it seems it isn't the universe due to the "you" and the familiarity. It went from "the universe" to "you" making me think it's different entities. Also that you went from an "it" (the universe is an it) to a "you", confusing it further.
In this ramble I hope I made sense :/
"and I surrender to you,
”You win, I lose”"
Last line is kinda superfluous. It doesn't add anything. It just says what the first line there says. You do have a three line per stanza symmetry here, but I suggest adding something new to the piece instead of repeating.
"life enjoys throwing at me
so it can laugh as I trip
and fall flat on my face."
The whole laughing-as-I-fall cliche is kinda redundant. I don't think it added anything useful to the piece, it just added a sort of emo attitude of a helpless victim.
Unlike another reviewer I think it makes sense that the You win I lose is not in italics. The italics is for the universe/"you" person. The entire poem is from POV of the person sayin you win I lose, so yeah... :p
This is a famous perspective in fiction but I think it can be applied here too, passive vs active characters. The universe is active and the one surrendering is the passive one.
Active characters are usually more likable than passive ones and I find that to be true here as well. Since the poem does roll like a story with a lot untold between the lines. So with that in mind, the poem didn't particularly grab me. It's kinda old though, so you have my forgiveness :P
| Luna Turner chapter 1 . 3/27/2009
It's true though!
Life is full of irony-
It's ironic in itself.
I liked how in each stanza, it seemed like a continual, yet a different part of the poem...? I don't know if that made sense, but I really don't know how else to describe it
Loved it though.
| May Elizabeth chapter 1 . 11/21/2008
I really really really love this one. I feel like this alot myself. If that makes any sense? Peace.
| FirstBloom13 chapter 1 . 10/4/2008
RM review #1
first, I just want to say that I'm not great at reviewing poetry, so if my review kind of stinks to the point you want another one, just tell me :)
I overall liked the piece. I think the rythum was great, especially the drop-off of the phrases.
(ex: The truth is you’re right
and I surrender to you,
”You win, I lose”) in poetry, sometimes ideas get really muddled, but because you cut off each phrase when a new idea was added made it less convuluted, and that is one of the reasons I liked it so much.
One thing that I didn't like and was bugging me was how "You win, I lose" wasn't in italics, unlike some other, similar phrases like the last line and such. I think it would be more flowing and consistant if that was italized.
| theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair chapter 1 . 3/23/2008
This is cute. I especially enjoy the humor in this piece: the sarcastic, lighthearted way you phrase this really makes me feel as though it was written by a close friend, or something. It's a very personal, laid back speech.
My biggest issue would be the fact that you never really seem to discuss the irony that was the title of the poem. You say that there was irony involved at the beginning, but you don't describe what it is. The only aspect that could be considered ironic at all would be the last line; and since the universe is being personified, this isn't true irony because it isn't a real event. Even within the storyline, the universe speaking is an imagined occurrence. I can't think of the words to define irony right now; if you want some tips, I recommend listening to "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette. I have to go beg Frac's forgiveness now for putting this off for so long, but if I think of what I'm trying to say, I'll PM you or review the next chapter of this.
| lymli chapter 1 . 3/17/2008
the verse 6
life enjoys throwing at me...
it's true, life is a game by the way.
| damaged isolation chapter 1 . 3/13/2008
I very much like this style of poem. It is probably the best poem I have read on FP other than my best friend's (and excluding mine of course since I can't judge that). You write with simple style which never gets in the way of itself.
I did particularly like the use of italics for the voice of the other...the universe...it gave a sense of coming from two directions, as if this is an objective point of view, rather than some subjective thought process.
I did not like the line 'without also having to' and I guess you probably didn't entirely agree with it either when you wrote it. I'm not sure what I'd replace it with, but it just sounds very lumpy...you know what I mean? 'having to' is not a nice way of saying anything.
In any case, it is a good poem.
PS This is one of your prize reviews. savour it. ha.
| Zoromaru chapter 1 . 3/11/2008
pretty nice, though its odd to start with four lines then go to three for the rest of the poem.
| yanz chapter 1 . 3/6/2008
Haha, I like this. Particularly the last line.
| CandleQueen chapter 1 . 2/29/2008
lol, I really liked this. The end was a bit amusing.
| Luny Loona chapter 1 . 2/4/2008
Considering you decided not to punctuate your piece, probably leaving off the comma at the end of 'saying' and also the capitals will probably make the poem flow better.
The italicised lines really stand out - you should have probably ended with one too, then.
I like the last paragraph, about falling and marvelling at twists.
| a silenced revolution chapter 1 . 2/3/2008
So harsh and true. Life is like that.
"forces me to laugh through my tears"
-that line felt a little too long and a bit awkward... maybe put "forces me" in the line above? Just a suggestion, good job.
| Nemonus chapter 1 . 2/3/2008
Good work. This poem has the clarity that many who are writing abuot rather vague things (emotions, events the reader doesn't have the whole picture of) don't acheive. I especially like "Let me finish mourning/without also having to/marvel", and "I bow down to you"-nice, concrete illustration of an emotion.
| Her Wishing Well chapter 1 . 1/28/2008
Comical. The sattire in this is used brilliantly. I loved it. Great work.