|Reviews for Breath of Fresh Air|
| Kenny chapter 1 . 1/21/2008
In some ways the chapter itself is almost self-contained in itself. It's a simple single event that marks a story beginning, and that's fine as well.
Character-wise, development looks to be strong. Description itself is detailed enough. Overall I would say that it works well enough for a first chapter. If you want to expand upon this chapter, there certainly is still room as well.
There's still plenty of time for plot to take effect, so I wouldn't fret too much about whether a love story in itself is simple or complex. For you, you would probably be just waiting for it to run its course.
| Lenners chapter 1 . 1/21/2008
You better be writing more. Soon.
Well, it's pretty good for an opening chapter. You've laid out the basic "plot" nicely, but what's going to happen next? I really want to know. It seems interesting that Toshi talks like a... gangster whereas Ren talks more.. sophisticatedly.
I'm not quite sure, but the line "The same mannerisms in which Toshi used to previously hold it in." doesn't really make sense :/ Is he trying to copy the way Toshi holds his cigarettes? You could clarify here.
Good work :]
| Charming Dice chapter 1 . 1/20/2008
Interesting characters. I like them. Your dialogue is also very well done. Your descriptions were solid overall.
This story seems like it could be pretty good. Very good work so far.
| Kakyou Takashiro chapter 1 . 1/19/2008
To start things off, this is certainly one of the best pieces you've written that shows depth of character. Through the short scene here you can distinguish very clearly between the characters, and their personalities really show through the page. this is very big improvement in pushing the voice of her character out. The chapter however, really just runs of this one scene. It is a decent introduction, however, the reader doesn't really take away much from this opening chapter than a brief glance at three of the characters.
A little more story needs to take place here. Of course, this is the first chapter, but a number of the things to caution in the continuation of the story runs from here. The breadth of the story seems very story from what is presented so far, and doesn't seem all that complex. A lot more emotion is lacking too. Your characters have a voice, but not a really good visual representation, which one of the big things missing here. Hopefully chapter two will provide us with that canvas, as well as a broader horizen on the development of the story.
However, it would be wrong to leave on that note. This is actually very promising, sometimes simple works out very well, and the romance in here seems to headed in a simple direction. Everyone loves a complex tree of romances, but sometimes, the down right one love interest romance works best. Your characters have substance, if we can get a better look at how they move around their surroundings and how they interact (not just how they speak, or how they look physically) this can be a very interesting story to read. Depth is also an issue, but since it is first chapter - it would be too arrogant for any review to comment on that.
I am definitely eager to read more - however, length and quality needs more attention here anything else. I think if you have a clear idea of the story and the end, then this can be very powerful.