|Reviews for The Spirit Within|
| Enchantressofthestars chapter 1 . 1/9/2010
I like your story a lot so far. It's very different which is refreshing! I can't wait to see where it goes!
| Narq chapter 1 . 2/7/2009
Wow this is really interesting. I wonder why all the speeches are in italics though... style?
| JKP chapter 1 . 6/4/2008
I like it so far. I couldn't really get into it though. There wasn't really a physical description of the characters so it was hard to envision the story.
Well I just read your little blurb at the bottom. So it makes a good intro, I'm just curious what the characters look like.
| CrimsonxShadows chapter 1 . 5/29/2008
Fantastic! I'm quite impressed. Your story is original and I can't get enough of it! Just be careful about your unusual (but original) names; people can get confused with how to pronounce it...
| caw122182 chapter 1 . 3/5/2008
Interesting story so far, can;t say much else but i will keep reviewing. Please update agin soon.
| Thalnite chapter 1 . 1/31/2008
Right, don't take any of this the wrong way. Constructive criticism is a good thing. So please don't feel you aren't a good author, because you ARE, the fact that you're willing to learn, no, ARE learning, from your mistakes is heart-warming. Even pro authors make mistakes and need feedback from other ppl to tell them what they're doing wrong. (That why they have editors -)
Okay, first of all I noticed this chapter was really short (to me at least). And while some ppl like to do short starter chapters, to sort of lead into things, i find this rather annoying, coz the first chapter (or even the first paragraph) really has to bring your reader in and keep them there. Like whats that expression? I forget, but u want to get your reader hooked ASAP and then keep them wanting more. Thats pretty much the core motivation for an author. An author without readers is nothing.
Yeah, you're not too clear on the different races/species/thing going on. And that big batch of italics text didn't really help. When you mentioned sinful Archietres I was confused for a moment and had to go back over it again. Coz i thought u meant all the archietres were sinful, rather than just a group of betrayers. And putting a whole block of text there and doing an "info-dump" (i read that term somewhere) isn't very good. Basically it makes me wanna skim through that coz its tedious to read.
I think maybe you could do a better intro to the whole Archietres/war/thing if you did like a prelude. Coz then you can talk about it from a more omniscient POV (like a narrator, or, more accurately, a historian. Coz you're talking about the past) and then you can describe what the Archietres look like and stuff too (coz you haven't done that yet) and that sorta REALLY needs to be addressed straight up, coz our imagination has nothing to work with. And you can't really have your main char. describing the archietres coz she's been living with them all her life. So naturally she's not thinking thoughts like "they all had blue eyes" unless its in a way thats more like "she still wondered sometimes why they all had blue eyes"... uhm... i hope that made sense, otherwise lemme know and i'll try and elaborate later.
I like the little by-play between father and daughter. Gives us a bit of a feel for what their relationship is like.
Hum... i've just realised you haven't really set the setting (gosh i need a better way of saying that). Like we've no idea of her surroundings at all. Just make sure you don't fall into the trap of going on a long spiel about it. The background is just that, background. You're constantly aware of it, but you don't give it much thought, unless somthing brings your attention to it. Its more of a subconscious thing. Although you process enough of it to know where ur going and you don't fall over. But basically you don't delve into a whole bunch of descriptive thought-detail about how terribly GREEN that leaf is...
Okay, i think i've ranted enough. Oh and bravo on not being one of those fics that are PAINFUL to read. I think you should know the type. The ones with horrible grammar errors that make you wanna puke. . urgh.
| RaVeN-naILs chapter 1 . 1/28/2008
that was a great intro, at the beginning was he father speaking to her with his mind or was he whispering? i liked this, and i would like to read more. try to update soon.
| Goldengriffen chapter 1 . 1/26/2008
I saw you on my alert page for my story Saeron's Temple and decided to visit you. I saw you story and thought it'd be a great opportunity to return the favor of you "alerting" my story. Thanks again for that :) So here it goes. Be warned, I will get a bit critical. The idea of your story sort of remindes me of a Miyuzaki movie like Princess Mononoke. Idk if you've seen that but it's pretty good. Anyways, the story was a bit confusing to me. It seems you need to clarify what exactly everyone is. I saw you tried to, but I got confused along the way. And is the father suppose to "lick" the girl? o.O It made me think he was a wolf. Your word choice is good. I think the only thing you need is more clarification on what things are without it being confusing and definitely a longer chapter. Other than that I'm sure you'll do fine. Hope you liked my story btw. Makes me happy to know that people are enjoying what I write. Hope you too can share this same happiness soon. :D