|Reviews for Your Gaze|
| Bocephus chapter 1 . 3/29/2008
Wow. This is a really great song. I'd say that the meter is off a bit, but I'd have to hear it with music to be sure so I really can't comment on that too much. This is fantastic stuff, and either your really talented or really lucky that the words just come to you. You have a tremendous gift; keep writing!
| Laeden chapter 1 . 1/30/2008
Too much rhyming.
You have a good piece here, but I see this a lot. There's too much emphasis on rhyming and being catchy than actual content.
Like your chorus, why can't she stay? Instead of asking, tell us what she says, why can't she stay?
I realize this is a song, but think of songs like poetry. The best are. And the best poets spend years working on one poem. Days or weeks working on just one line, and the months going back and making everything perfect. Not too much unlike novelists.
| flechette chapter 1 . 1/23/2008
This is decently written... I dont know why its got all the fucks and !s if its supposed to be a soft love song and I really didnt get any love vibes out of it all. It seemed more like an angry break up song to me. If it was an angry break up song Id shut my mouth but the fact you promote it as a soft love song just kinda makes this song meaningless and misses the point completely...
| RedWheeler chapter 1 . 1/23/2008
Oh! People left the house, so I can read this very briefly before retreating back to studying. XD
I can see where you got Gaze though, especially towards the end. Which was probably my favourite part: "I want you to hold me, Without even knowing! What you can do when you look in my eyes! What we can do with only our minds! What will I do, without your eyes...?"
Much like the other reviewer, I did take notice to the rhyming right away. But I don't know if I would call it forced, because it's there... but not in your face there. Like, say... cat with bat is there, so to speak.
But yeah. I don't recall seeing any typos, and skimming over it again, I saw nada. So yay! Also, I think this was one of your more longer songs, so that's good too. Good job!
| crouching author hidden pencil chapter 1 . 1/22/2008
I like it, but the rhyming is a little... forced. I think it would be great if you didn't limit it by rhyming.