|Reviews for Weinen ohne Tränen|
| LilMaria chapter 3 . 6/23/2011
Hello there! great story so far. I really enjoyed it and I hardly ever say that to anyone, being a former English major and all.
One thing that i want to point out is the whole thing about detail. when he is thinking back about the dead girl, a little more detail to add to the mood is always good. not like so much detail where it covers up the whole point, but its always good to paint a small picture. I'm sorry if that sounded ridiculous...I'm not good at explanations. :p i try.
i really have to nitpick to the extreme to find anything else...and normally i have a radar that goes off almost every second when i read a story. more power to you good sir!
keep up the good work! i cant wait to read more of what you got :)
Peace and Love
| backseat compromises chapter 1 . 10/3/2010
Woah, a storm, very foreboding! You have a paragraphing error somewhere, here - 'anguish hours over a few paragraphs, and write a hundred pages only to' which kinda breaks the flow... But apart from that, I liked this beginning and I wonder what the missing girl has to do with the two bodies you mentioned in your summary!
| Brenda Agaro chapter 3 . 8/12/2009
I really like the first two sentences at the beginning of this chapter. Good imagery.
The character interaction, to me, was realistic and I like how you didn't go overboard with the description/imagery, especially towards the end. The last sentence was well executed. :-)
"“Hi,” Alex responded meagerly, knelling down to untie his shoes." kneeling (knelling has a different definition.)
| Brenda Agaro chapter 2 . 8/6/2009
I love your imagery and word choice. Your characterization is great - I immediately could connect with Alex's struggle with writer's block. Great job in showing that. So far this is interesting. :-)
| lilabee chapter 1 . 6/16/2009
The initial sentence has two different tenses in it. I spent about 30 seconds re-reading the first sentence trying to make sense of it. After the first sentence I was greeted by a series of wordy lines. The opening can really make or break your story. When I read your story further I was a little perplexed as to why it had such a weak opening. You write well. I would recommend that you edit the beginning to fit the rest of the story. The opening does not do the rest of your story justice.
Also some of the word usage is unconventional. At times when I was reading through I was caught a bit off guard with your choice in words and had to think about whether said words worked in the context you were trying to achieve. Pausing to contemplate a word removed me from the story.
We all make grammatical mistakes. I noticed there were a few in your story. If you get a chance I would take the time to go over your story and weed out the errors.
The plot was interesting. Its not a predictable cookie cutter horror. There is more meat to your story than a bunch of blood and gore. Hopefully, there will be another installment?
You did a good job with the details. I can very vividly picture the story playing out in my head. You are writing the story instead of telling the story. There is a big difference between the two. It seems actual writing is hard to come by lately. Good job so far!
| KayFo chapter 2 . 6/8/2009
I like this. Especially the description of the type of writer he is at the beginning. i'm exactly the same way and it's so frustrating cuz i just can never finish anything. Can't wait to read more.
| Justin Carlton chapter 5 . 7/13/2008
No grammatical complaints. However, while I appreciate the clarification of MRI and PET technicalities, they feel like a break in the chapter and are ultimately unnecessary. The same goes for the long explanation of the Dissasociative Fugue: unnecessary and long.
Interesting theories, though. I look forward to the next chapter, bro.
| Justin Carlton chapter 4 . 6/20/2008
"Despite the lack of obstacles, Alex felt as though he was dragging himself towards the building with great exertion." - awkward wording; "dragging... with exertion"?
"...a trim cut, or bulk of muscle..." - the wording strikes me as unintentionally amusing
"Jack seemed to charm her even with banal normality" - "banal normality" is redundant, and "banal" feels like a word you pulled out of a Thesaurus
"The hot liquid nearly scolded his throat..." - scalded
"...as if satiated by the coffee beyond contention." - if you meant "contentment", "contention" is the opposite. Besides, the statement is an unnecessary afterthought
"Yet the confusion only settled like dust after a storm—no movement, only accumulation in large sand dunes." - now this is some good wording; nice picture, and good delivery
"...the impact was so intense that the dashboard shattered..." - shattered? The windshield could do that. Crumpled or another similar verb would make more sense.
"It had become impossible to see how much liquid remained—he couldn’t see beyond the rims—beyond the darkness to see the soothing tea undulating in the cup." - too wordy, and you said the same exact thing twice
Okay, here's my big complaint. There's too many needless descriptions - I can already imagine the setting on my own without needing to know the layout of the building. As a result, the action suffers from start-and-stop writing.
Second, this cop - Jack Kramer - feels like every other cop in every other movie/novel/game. He's jaded and blunt and doesn't give a crap. I mean, fine if you want to use him, but it's a stereotype and not a character.
Finally, I like the suspenseful air, but the title still makes no sense in context. And why is this a "horror" story? It's more of a thriller, or a mystery if anything. I suppose these things will become apparent later on, but the story doesn't seem to be heading in either direction.
Otherwise, I'm enjoying your writing. You have a very different style from the norm, so I hope you keep it up.
| Limited Edition chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
Quite an interesting story.
I'm not too fond of the first line because it doesn't pull me into the story. It's just description. It's a good line for a description, very picturesque, but it doesn't serve well as the first line of a story.
The descriptions in general are very vivid and beautiful. I like the picture they paint. It feels real.
I like the dialogue, it's genuine. It makes the characters much more realistic. And I can feel the characters' mindset and mood, which is great! They also act realistically.
The chapter doesn't clarify the conflict of the story, and that doesn't give the reader a reason to read on. The last line was good, I liked it. But I don't get the conflict at all.
| Justin Carlton chapter 3 . 6/9/2008
Not to be critical or anything, but those first four or five sentences are really detrimental to opening the chapter. Besides, you used the word "beer" about twelve times.
Okay, the conversation between Scott and Alex is confusing: the back and forth dialogue gets difficult to interpret because it isn't always clear who's speaking. Cleaning that up would really make this an easier read.
I like the cliffhanger there, not to mention your prose. Some grammatical errors need to be cleaned up, but your spelling is excellent. I'm hoping that everything will tie in as thes tory progresses.
| Willa chapter 3 . 6/6/2008
So far, it's a pretty good start. Character-wise, I was a little confused this chapter when Alex suddenly had a daughter - you kind of made it sound like she was a bit of an afterthought, so I suggest you go into some background on that and his relationship with the mother. Also, I didn't get why, as Alex's best friend, Scott wouldn't know that Charlotte wasn't Emily's mother. That just seems kind of unbelievable to me.
Second of all, you say something about Scott being in the military (before, you said he was a teacher, I think), but you don't really elaborate on that. It's almost as if you're pulling details out of your head to fit what you think the story should sound like, but you're not adding detail to that. On the flip side, you're adding a little too much detail elsewhere (especially in chapter two).
There are a few grammar errors worth correcting, the most prominent (to me) being, "You could have wakened me up." I'm pretty sure it should be, "You could have woken me up." Whenever I read that line, I have the urge to run my fingers down a chalkboard.
However, despite the aforementioned, it certainly has seemed to adopt a suspensful tone. There is no doubt in my mind that this will turn out to be a decent story. Just remember to add detail where it's needed, and skim over it where it's not.
| Justin Carlton chapter 2 . 6/6/2008
"The sun had already arisen..." - risen would suffice, and with the rest of the sentence to follow, would fit better
"In high school romances were short" - comma after school
"Now an empty bed felt as foreign as rejection." - comma after now; I like that statement - blunt and vivid
"Before Alex could respond to her rhetoric, she hugged him, and with a goodbye kiss she clutched the suitcase rolled it out to the porch." - two things; the action is choppy and follows no real pattern; also, "rhetoric" feels like a random word pulled out of the Thesaurus in this context
I like the direction this is going, although it seems to be deviating from the central issue of the first chapter - which was his writer's block. I'm assuming that will clear up later on in the story.
| Distilledfx chapter 1 . 6/3/2008
Nice story, though I don't think I've ever had writers block that bad.
Your writing in this is amazing, all the words are great and your pacing is just right. Not only that but your descriptions are realistic and give Alex human traits, like how he loved the smell of rain or his reaction to Charlotte's news on driving to Nashville.
While this is good and you set the scene well, you didn't really go much into back story of the characters or hint at what is to come in later chapters. Also the dialog seemed the tiniest bit unnatural, but this could have just been becuase he was distracted.
A couple of typos I noticed while reading.
"The fresh [sent] of fallen" should be "scent"
"A couple  yards to his right," Should be "of"
Nice work and keep writing. If the rest is as well written as this it should be a very good read.
| Mercyette chapter 1 . 6/3/2008
What I found most realistic in the chapter was how you described the inner turmoil of a writer experiencing writer's block. I had to smile at it because it sounded just like me at times...like now, for instance. XD Your fluent vocabulary was also a nice addition to the story.
I would have liked to see a little more in the chapter considering you're just introducing your characters, but that's just a personaly preference of mine. I know it's hard to post on here because some people complain of having too short a chapter, while others gripe about it being too long. Just thought I'd let you know that a little more character developement would have been nice.
Overall, great work. I'll have to read on.
| Justin Carlton chapter 1 . 6/3/2008
"The red leaves would lose their resilience and drift to the earth, revealing the wooden skeleton that once housed them." - housed? "Supported" makes more sense.
"The cursor blinked in mockery, for the text preceding it was filled with the perspiration it required to write and edit every word to create the melody of his best prose, but derailed in the middle of a sentence on its way to an unknown destination." - I like the thought, but not the delivery; this sentence is way too wordy
"Charlotte might have chuckled or shook her head, but the shadows concealed her fastidious features. Alex just observed as she brought the wine glass to her lips. Her hair danced in the wind." - really nice wording; I like the imagery
"Outside of him and Alex’s agent, he had an aversion to letting anyone else reading his work, fearing they’d try and find parallels between the stories he wrote and the story he lived." - "outside of Alex and his agent, Alex had..."; otherwise, nice wording again
Nice beginning, bro. Great wordplay.