Reviews for Chronicles of New Earth: The Great Civil War
superfan chapter 9 . 10/10/2009
WOW... This story is AWESOME so far!
loisen chapter 3 . 8/30/2009
I like the story so fare. The problem now: Who do i like more? Wiliam or Nathan?
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 36 . 3/7/2009
Drogan and Nathan are waxing philosophically towards each other in a room full of engineer corpses. No action, just talk and talk and talk. It might be interesting in another part of the story but this is a big battle scene! Ships are exploding, nukes are counting down, soldiers are blasting each other. But Nathan and Drogan? They're just having a conversation about how evil the commander is. You should work on the pacing a lot here.

Finally some action. And by action I mean Nathan flips him the bird. How defiant!

Why is one-armed Shaw on this mission? What happened to Howe? And if Shaw can get nano-bots to fix his arm in three weeks then why is Tom still in the hospital?

Drogan starts chopping off fingers! Finally, something really evil besides killing nameless mooks off camera.

William, as expected, charges in and saves Nathan from certain death. There's going to be a battle between Drogan and William.

That's the end of everything you've written so far. I'm done with all 36 chapters. Whew! If I had to predict the future I'd say that William beats Drogan, gets Nathan back to Alex's ship where they speed off in time to watch the Death Star blow up. Then they make it back to New Earth and everyone gets awarded a metal by Princess Sophie? Then Tom does a wookie cheer and the credit roll. Am I right?

Several elements, in fact the majority of this story, is taken directly from other scifi stories. I've already mentioned the Star Wars similarities. What is unique about your story? What makes this story of space marines against a dictatorship any different than the countless others? These are questions your future publisher will ask you so you had better have an answer for them.
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 35 . 3/7/2009
The Seventh's flagship is legendary? What did it do except transport troops from planet to planet (and possible participate in the orbital assault that was the Tybar Three Genocide)?

Hot damn! A new female character with a speaking part! That makes six, right? Sophie, Adriana, evil Navy admiral, unnamed woman shouting in a crowd, Mary, and now Alex. I'm so happy that she's here I'm willing to overlook the fact that everyone assumed Alex was short for Alexis and not Alexandra. I'll even let it slide that she has a white, 21st Century, American name, too!

She has no professionalism, though. Asking lots of questions and not saying "sir" to officers. But since no one else is doing that I guess it's okay.

Why she is addressing the troops is beyond me (oops, I said it again. Sorry). Shouldn't Nathan or William or (if you must) Sophie be giving the pep talk?

I wonder why the people on New Earth took the news of Drogan's threatened attack so well. I mean, their Consul was assassinated and a new Consul took over. Then he started cracking down on colonists. The economy started to fail and these strange websites started popping up all over the internet. But the news shows were telling nothing but good things. Who was a 35 year-old mother of three, just trying to get by on a single pay check, going to believe? The 7 o'clock news or Sophie's "Gyger Sucks" webpage? So then these people hear that colonist rebels are blowing up New Earth military bases and that the Seventh has betrayed the UND by joining the terrorists! Then the Seventh defeats the UND, captures the legally appointed Consul, and sends the leader of the real military into hiding. Now's he's back and he wants the rebels who hold the Senate House to give up. It wasn't Drogan that attacked New Earth; it was Nathan! Who are the common folk going to believe, official government sources or Benedict Arnold with Sophie giving him props on wikipedia?

What was I saying? Oh, that there should be mass chaos. People not knowing who to trust. People scared that nukes might rain from the sky at any moment because William wants to fight instead negotiate. Why are they calm?

Alex and her unnamed copilot have flow together before and she's done these crazy moves. She scares him. But when did they ever fly like this? There have never been any space battles in this story. The one above New Earth never happened because Drogan jumped away. There was no resistance above Tybar Three because the planet's surface was turned to glass and rubble. So the weak and ineffective AA fire on Orion was were Alex got her experience? Maybe she was off fighting pirates somewhere. You don't say so I'm left to imagine on my own.

How did the hanger door open? What did the engineers do? Remote control or something? You gloss over this important detail. And why are hangers always pressurized in your world? If a pressure door is hit (or opened remotely) then lots of air will come rushing violently out. This could alter a ship's course or chain react to cause other pipes and corridors to depressurize.

Darth Drogan in his all-black outfit manages to take out Nathan's whole engineering team. Maybe Drogan should have been sitting in his command chair thinking about how to defeat Nathan in combat instead of William.
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 34 . 3/7/2009
For some reason Drogan sits in his command chair thinking about Gyger's personal history (which means we've got to read through it, too). We find out that Gyger is evil because he had a bad childhood. Typical. Then Drogan starts retelling the story I've already read. I know that Gyger was a piss poor politician and that you easily took power away from him. It's not new. Let's move this story along, please.

Now Drogan's going on about William. Why? Why are your characters so important to everybody else? Why was Gyger obsessed with Sophie? Why does Drogan even know William's name? Doesn't Drogan have underlings in charge of recruiting people into the First? Drogan seemed pretty busy building the Death Star and getting Marcus assassinated to worry about which lowly private is in which unit.

Earlier I wondered if this civil war started years ago when the first colonial rebels started rising up. That sounds like a good definition for the beginning of a civil war. But Drogan says that the war started after William was kicked out of the First. That makes the civil war start after the Farmer's Massacre on Valon. Was Tybar Three the first battle of the civil war? If so then who did they fight? Nameless rebels without a cause? How was Tybar Three (except for the Holocaust part) different that Valon? They both seemed to be the UND putting down a bunch of farmers and civilians (though Tybar Three didn't have any rebels, none of the soldiers knew that).

Drogan worries about meeting William face to face. Why? Does the most powerful man in the universe really plan on getting into some fisticuffs with some psycho soldier on New Earth or does he normally think about how to defeat random people knows?

After an entire chapter inside Drogan's head I still don't know what he wants. Does he want to rule the galaxy from his asteroid command center? Does he just want to fight someone worthy? Does he want to nuke everything? I don't know but I hope it's none of these because they are all bad motives for a villain.
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 33 . 3/7/2009
Were there any Carthage II colonists on New Earth? How did they react to the Carthage Holocaust? Even if Drogan didn't broadcast the attack himself there must be other pople out there watching Carthage II TV. Unless, of course, Sophie's new government is censoring the media.

So Nathan and William's plan (they don't ask for any help from military specialists or more expierenced soldiers) to blow up Drogan's Death Star is to sneak in with a few bombs and blow it up. I wonder if they'll give Tom a bomb; he's good at killing soldiers of the First as they sleep.

Nope, I was wrong. They're going to set off a nuke inside the Death Star.

Nathan is asking to sign up? So is this not Nathan's plan? I guess it's William's plan. Is William in charge? If Nathan is in charge then can't he just sign himself up instead of getting William to accept him? Or if Sophie's in charge then why can't she simply state that she's going (never mind that her going is a bad idea!). Is anyone in charge any more? Has the Senate chosen a new Consul?

"It wasn't even in the same zip code as good". Do they have zip codes in the year 3151? Again, you need to watch your language when you write. Stop using 21st Century American idioms and sayings when you write.

Nathan left his sleeping girlfriend to go to the meeting in the Senate House then stayed there for who knows how long coming up with a plan.

William left 7 year-old Trent alone in his apartment, too, for the hours and hours he spent in the war room talking history with Drogan and combat with Nathan. Was anybody watching Trent? You don't mention anybody so I'll assume that no one was. William: worst daddy ever.

Nathan and Adriana have the same fight they did nine months ago when he left for Tybar Three. That time he went because it was his duty. He went because staying behind would mean punishment. She asked him to go AWOL and he screamed at her. Now it's all different. Now nobody is telling him to go to war. He isn't being forced. Now, he wants to leave his girlfriend and child behind. He volunteered for it.

In the nine months of that this story covers he has only been with his girlfriend for three weeks. Since he was on Valon when the story started I assume that he's been away from her for several months already, deployed somewhere with the Seventh. Adriana has stayed true to him, loyal to him, for over a year and that entire time he was gone (and when he came back for three days between Valon and Tybar Three the first place he went was the bar, not Adriana's place). She ran a business that was supposed to be Nathan's. She bore his child. All she wants is to be with him but he's got a boner for combat. He's a dick and does not deserve Adriana.

Not only that, but he'll listen to William when he says that Nathan should stay out of the Battle of Unnamed Plaza. But when his girlfriend tells him to stay out of the Battle above Yavin 4 (or wherever the Leviathan is located) he gets angry with her. What's the deal with that?

Nathan is informed that William will be the commanding officer. Nevermind that Nathan is still a Private (he thought PFC was high and mighty back on the dropship to Valon and that was before he got demoted by Drogan for screwing up at Marcus's assassination) and not an officer. How he got put in command of anything is beyond me.
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 32 . 3/7/2009
Why has Sophie been working to rebuild the Senate? Wouldn't the previous Senate leaders be doing that? I still don't see how Sophie is important in any way.

It's almost nine months after the story began. So maybe today is Day 250 of the timeline (that I've been ignoring for a while). Plenty of time for a dictatorship to rise and fall and for a civil war to happen (though the civil war didn't start until about a month ago and most of that time one side was hiding on Hoth). It seems as if this story should have taken years to complete but you did it in 250 days.

William says "somethings I can't help but think that I'm a little responsible for what happen to [Trent]". You think? That's like saying the Japanese soldiers on board the aircraft carriers might have been responsible for Pearl Harbor. The pilots and only the pilots (and the admirals, of course) take the blame but their support staff were just as guilty. I'm sorry, William, but you are just as guilty of genocide. Hell, what did you do when you landed on the planet? You killed men and women who were simply defending their homes from invaders! Then, after you finally broke their spirits you put them on a prison barge (a barge that is still floating out there somewhere; what happened to Howe, Lloyd, and Riley?)!

Oh, and Sophie gets to be a Senator without any sort of elections. Democracy in action.

Sexist William says that since he's not Sophie's bodyguard then Tom must be. Yes, because all women need big strong men to watch out for them.

Tom was stabbed saving Sophie from the mob but a quick dose of nano-bots in Rick's stolen car fixed him. But now Tom's in the hospital for three weeks because of Gyger's stab (that you specifically said didn't hit anything vital). Did they run out of nano-bots?

Sophie and Adriana in the same scene for a third time! Of course, they don't say a word to each other. The baby is a girl and she gets a name. Erica Cassandra Collins. First, like all of the good characters it is a strong, white, American name. Second, did Adriana and Nathan get married? Is that why Adriana's baby has his name?

Life quickly returns to normal for everyone. What about the colonist soldiers? Are they sent back to their devastated planets? Are they given help in rebuilding? If so, where does that aid money come from? Who authorized it? Are the gangsters going back to their usual business of extortion, smuggling, intimidation, and theft? What about the pirates? What about the Tybar Three colonists stuck on the Dante? Are they allowed to go back to their ruin of a world or are they simply released from a New Earth space port with a friendly "have a nice day; sorry for the genocide!"?

I wonder how Sophie's political career will go once people find out that her boyfriend is a terrorist and the leader of a criminal gang?

If something (such as Gyger's mental illness) is a story for another time then don't bring it up in this story. It's completely pointless and interrupts the flow you've got going in this chapter.

The city is being rebuilt. Who is doing the rebuilding? Construction companies that joined Gyger's dictatorship, supplying him money? Who is paying for the reconstruction? Are there new taxes or is there hyperinflation? Sophie has a lot of shit to work out in this new Senate but she's all about the parking spaces and the weekends off where she can visit her terrorist boyfriend. That does make sense, when I think about it, since she's only 18. But that just makes her a bad Senator.

Finally you've started talking about military transports instead of having everyone drive around in tanks. But are these hover-transports or space-worthy transports or wheeled transports? Be more descriptive in your writing.

Drogan calls the main characters "the gang". It's as if he knows that this is a story and that he's talking to the plucky protagonists. Also, he has a black beret. Black equals evil, remember!

Drogan says, "blah blah blah, here is my horrific plan, blah blah blah, I've out-smarted you, blah blah blah, no one can possibly defeat me." Plus he gives a pointless history lesson about a war that happened 1200 years ago. Paragraph after paragraph of pointless history just to say that his secret weapon is a bunch of nukes on an astroid? He used his armada to destroy Tybar Three so how is the nuke carrier any more frightening? The Leviathan isn't that great of a secret doomsday weapons platform.

A new planet, Carthage II! I guess it was named by a rival cartography company (one who favors Roman numerals) than the one who named Tybar Three (who seem to like writing the names out). Fifteen million people on it, eh? How about we just call it Alderaan II? And why send nukes to Alderaan II? Why not blow up Orion (or did the Armada already do that while the Seventh was on Hoth?)? You realize that you are ripping off Star Wars Episode 4 here, right? The only thing that would make it perfect would be that Drogan is revealed to be William's father.

Think about it: Gyger is the Emperor, taking power from the old Chancellor and becoming a dictator. Drogan in his Leviathan is Darth Vader in his Death Star. Rick the smuggler that the community loves is a mix between Han Solo and Lando. Tom would be Chewie, then, since he's Rick's sidekick. Sophie is Princess Leia, the beautiful female leader of the resistance. William is a beefed up Luke (complete with being an orphan and kick ass fighter). Trent is young Anakin stuck inside of a military vehicle and able to operate it.
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 31 . 3/7/2009
This is one of mankind's most destructive wars? There was only one battle in this "war"! Millions died in the two World Wars. They each lasted years. This UND civil war started when? Was it when the Seventh turned on the UND on Orion? There wasn't a battle there, it was just Nathan talking to the soldiers and convincing them to join him. They didn't battle the Fourth, either. They didn't fight the armada but rather fled to Hoth. Then in their first battle against the UND they used greater numbers and better firepower to destroy the entire loyalist army.

And the Battle for New Earth consisted of a few skirmishes as the two armies got together on the Unnamed Plaza and duked it out, medieval style. It was over within an hour or two! How is this in any way the most destructive war in the history of mankind? Again, you keep telling us how epic and awesome these things are but what you actually show us really isn't all that. A civil war that lasts one month and two battles (here and the one against Drogan later) isn't epic. Historic, maybe, but not as huge as you say it is.

"In short, the gang was all here." This line is not needed. And really, they're not a "gang". Most of these people barely know each other. Tom and William just met so are they best friends, now? Part of the same gang?

Gyger had a month to plan for the attack. Why was his experimental shuttle not already sitting at the Senate House ready to take off? Seems like a reasonable thing to do for a paranoid and cowardly dictator.

Tom kicked in the door to the Consul's office. I guess Marcus's old-fashioned wooden door that Gyger replaced with the "whooshing" door has returned. That makes three different doors in this same room. I think you need a better understanding of your settings.

So now Tom is torturing Gyger in his office. Where the rest of the soldiers and gangsters are at this moment I have no idea. Why are they delayed?

Does Gyger even know who Tom is? Is he shifting his guilt in Mr. Marshall's murder to Drogan because he just naturally places his blame on other people or does he remember that a few months ago he ordered a businessman to be killed and that standing before him is that businessman's son?

Tom and Gyger talk to each other for way too long. How does Gyger sound with missing teeth and a mouth full of blood?

Nathan fucked up Gyger's face after Tom did the same thing in the office. But I guess Sophie is in charge because she ordered him to keep

Gyger alive. Who is Sophie to give these orders? Why does Nathan take them?

Sophie, with no authority whatsoever, arrests Gyger. Weird.

Sophie wants Nathan to use his troops to reassemble the Senate. Not to help civilians trapped in burning buildings or to tend to the wounded. How is Nathan supposed to find the surviving members of the Senate? Are they all in a Gitmo prison on New Earth? Maybe some are on board the Dante. Maybe some joined Gyger's side and are living the high life in a mansion somewhere. Just like how Nathan built a grand coalition of pirates, rebels, and colonists he somehow brings together the Senators (who were members of different parties and some even supported Gyger in the beginning). It's all done off camera so we're left to wonder how he did it.

Tom tells Sophie the truth. What truth? As a writer, you can't just tell the reader that a character said something meaningful. You've got to show it. You've got to write what Tom says.
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 30 . 3/7/2009
I wanted to write more in the last review but there is a limit to how much I can write here. Too bad, I guess.

Was there no unexploded ordinance littering the streets? No unsafe buildings, half-destroyed from the fighting, that could fall into the street at any moment? No ruptured water mains or downed powerlines or burning gas leaks? No diehards who are not willing to give up just because the loyalist army did? A battle fought between thousands, tens of thousands, or even hundreds of thousands of soldiers (I'm still not sure how big the battle was), complete with tanks and orbital insertions and mega-lasers, has just occured in downtown Capitol City. Is there no collateral damage? Everyone is suddenly not scared now? Describe the damage to the city. Have William or Nathan walk through the rubble and smell the death that their invasion caused.

In the command center (or whatever the place is called) there is Sophie and Adriana. For only the second time in this entire story (not counting the evil bunker scene) two women with speaking parts are in the same room at the same time! Oh, I'm giddy.

Adriana's baby will not be born into a world of peace, as you say. There is still the matter of Drogan. Even if he's defeated (and of course he will be) there is still the matter of the rebels, the pirates, the crime in the colonies, and the overcrowded prison. Add to that the colonists have just been trained as real soldiers; the colonists have just defeated the UND. They will not be told to go back to their colonies as if nothing had happened. They are in a position to make demands of whoever takes over after Gyger. What if they demand more than that government is willing (or able) to give? We're back to where we started before this story took place!

Why is Nathan looking to Sophie, an 18 year-old internet sensation, for orders? He's the leader of this rebellion, after all.

I think you sometimes confuse tank with armored personal carrier. Tanks don't carry troops into battle. If Nathan wants to get from the command center to the Senate House he should take a hover-jeep or something like that.

Nathan is bringing an 8 month pregnant 21 year-old woman and an 18 year-old girl towards an explosion at the Senate House. Why? Why not give Adriana and Sophie a pair of bowie knives and send them into the Battle of the Unnamed Plaza? Why not wake up Trent, put him in another tank, and send him into battle, too? All of these ideas are equally smart. I mean, Nathan stayed out of the Battle of the Unnamed Plaza because he didn't want Adriana to lose her husband. But he's okay with her getting into a tank and riding into combat? It makes no sense.

Are tanks wheelchair accessible? Adriana's in a chair so there must be a way for her to get up in the tank, right? Also, I notice that you say that Nathan loaded Sophie and Adriana into the tank. I'm sure they are both able to get in the tank on their own without someone handling them as if they were a box of ammo or something.

Shaw is alive. So except for Marcus, no good guy has died. Come to think about it, no one with a name has died but Marcus, Mr. Marshall. Captain Briggs, and Senator Johnson. Senator Moore is probably dead, though. Just nameless soldiers and civilians die in this story. And lots of them. I believe they are called mooks.

William is all of a sudden concerned about the chain of command. With Colonel Shaw out of action why wait for Howe? Why not pick a popular PFC and put him in charge? I'm sure everyone will be cool with that, given that the Seventh approved William.

Ah, Trent. Somehow he went from the medical tent way back at the communications building to a temporary front line MASH hospital. After living through the Tybar Three Genocide, the six month Tybar Three occupation, the Invasion of Orion, and the Battle for New Earth I'm sure Trent is used to being surrounded by blood, chopped off limbs, dying men crying for their mothers, and the smell of death. William: worst father ever.

Rick, the only black character, had a sister killed in a drive by shooting back in South Central (opps, I mean back on Vee'tar) when he was a boy. So obviously Rick joined a gang himself. But since he's a good guy he doesn't push drugs on the neighborhood, no. Bad gangsters do that. He's the smuggler (what, besides slaves and drugs, is there to smuggle?) with underworld contacts who would never do nothing to nobody. He will, of course, engage in a little inter-gang violence between his gang and Rez's. Why is the only black character a gangbanger?

Rick doesn't remember much about his sister. He was too young. He just remembers her smile. And her death. And the trial. And the funeral. And how he felt. Wait, what does he not remember? Again, you tell the reader one thing then show something completely different.

Also, who cares about Rick? Seriously, we're in the middle of a battle between good and evil. The pacing is all set for a great epic fight on the steps of the Senate House. Then you cut away for a chit-chat between Rick and Tom? It totally destroys the chapter. If you must flesh out Rick's character more then do it somewhere else. Where is the action? Why stop for this talk? My blood is pumping from that last fight; let's keep it up!

Rick's story in short: "Someone killed my sister so I fucked him up. Nobody fucks with my family. I'm a scumbag but because I don't raise too big of a stink in the neighborhood people will put up with me." Why don't you add some more gray area to your novel by making Rick a real gangster that kills and pushes drugs? Will Nathan accept his help if it's so tainted? Will Sophie still love Tom if he's turned into a hit man for the mob? Interesting questions and ideas that you ignore by making Rick a good guy.

Leviathan sounds too boring, if you ask me. I'm going to guess it's a big space ship of some kind, right? Leviathan equals big. Why not name it something more interesting? Project Copper Top? Project Infinite Reach? Project Spring Bridge? It doesn't have to sound sinister to be sinister. "Dr. Doom from Skull Mountain" names sound cheesy. "Commander Drogan on the dreadship Leviathan" does not sound as creepy or as ominous as "Mr. Bennet from Building 26". Sometimes innocent names can freak readers out.

Gyger's shuttle is special because it has a warp drive. I never knew that shuttles didn't have a warp drive. How did the shuttles with Howe and his men get from Hoth to the Dante prison ship if they didn't have warp?

I hate how Gyger and Drogan are stupid evil characters. Seriously, could they not have been smart? Could they not have had reasonable motives for doing what they did? Could they not have valued loyalty, too?

You didn't have to dumb down your explanation of what the anti-aircraft cannon did for us. We get it. What we don't get is why the Seventh just doesn't go around the sides or the back of the Senate House (the hovertanks can easily slip behind the Senate House unnoticed the same way they slipped around the Unnamed Plaza and we know that the Senate House has at least a front entrance and a rear entrance). Or why they don't use transports and shuttles to land on top. What about helicopters? Readers, like me, and editors are going to be asking these questions when they read your story. What answers do you have for them?

In the month that Gyger had to prepare New Earth's defenses you'd think he'd put some guns around the Senate House. That way he wouldn't have to "modify" an AA gun (guns that don't really work against small dropships but do well against the hovertanks they carried inside). I wonder how the scouts were taken by surprise. Did they not see the giant sideways gun on the Senate House stairs? Were there no scouts in orbit or tall skyscrappers looking down on the Unnamed Plaza and Senate House a mile away?

Gyger is still obsessing over Sophie. What a clueless dick.

A scouting party with four tanks? Must have been one well-armed scouting party. Also, how many people do you need to run a tank? Two? Three? What if that person was Trent? Just one? What do hovertanks look like? Do they have a long plasma cannon on top? Do they fire missiles? There needs to be descriptions of these things (hopefully way back at the beginning of the story).

Why is William certain that the incoming shuttle is Gyger's escape craft? Maybe it's a UND bomber about to drop mini-nukes on the MASH units on the Unnamed Plaza. Well, maybe if there was an Air Force (though I do remember an evil Air Force general in the evil bunker; wonder where the Air Force is). Your characters always jump to conclusions way too fast and they always jump to the right one (except for Shaw, but as punishment for doubting William he lost his arm).

William tells Rick that they didn't "lose too many" shuttles in the initial attack. Earlier you said that they didn't lose a single craft in the invasion of New Earth. Who is right?

Hovercars in the future have airbags. Car saftey technology and car security technology seems to have peaked a thousand years earlier. Why not have Safety Foam fill the car or have an AI autopilot take control to avoid the crash? Or at least say that the car has these things but Rick deactivated them for his mission.

All of civilization isn't on Rick's shoulders. He thinks highly of himself, doesn't he? The Battle for New Earth is already over. The rebels won. Even if Gyger gets away so what? At most he can land in a colony somewhere and try to raise a Battalion or two. He has already lost! They don't need to get more young men and women killed just to catch him. Just disable that big gun with as few casualties as possible. William should not be in charge.

Only black character? Now dead. Rick sacrificed himself to save the day. But he couldn't die in just some car crash.
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 29 . 3/7/2009
Important chapters need big reviews.

The nano-bots are mentioned again. That's great! Though I thought they were experimental when Tom used them. Are they now safe for children, like some sorty of Flintstone's vitamin? Trent survives, of course. Except for Marcus none of the good guys get killed. Sure, Tom got stabbed (but he's all better, now) and Sophie dislocates her shoulder (but she still repeatedly smashes a soldier's face in with a rifle) and Nathan crashes in the wilderness (but backwoods doctor Mary fixes him up with some bandages; no nano-bots for him!). But the good guys are always up and ready for action after injuries.

The doctor's tell William that Trent's in good hands. Why does William believe them? The last time William put him "in good hands" he ended up getting blown up in a tank on a battlefield. If William cares for this kid why doesn't he say something like, "I'm so sorry! I'll never leave you alone again, my poor boy. I should have been with you! I won't leave your side until you wake up, I promise!" Nope, William just leaves the boy with a doctor he's probably never seen before.

Now, I know this is a story and all that but what are the chances that the leader of the New Earth Resistance is good friends with the leader of the Mutineer's? Is there no one else on the planet, no other gangster or retired officer, who would be willing to fight Gyger? Was Rick the only one?

First, do they still use wheelchairs in the future? Second, why is Adriana in one? She was just relaxing in the super secret warehouse hideout watching TV the last time I read about her. Now she's bound to a wheelchair? What happened to her? And why doesn't Nathan ask her about it? Was she tortured? Was she hurt in the battle? Nathan doesn't ask and Adriana doesn't tell. He just accepts that his girlfriend's in the chair.

Nathan does wonder how she's seen a doctor. But Adriana's only been in hiding for a month, now. She's had seven months of living in her apartment and running her restaurant business. Nothing stopped her from going to the doctor then. She really didn't need Rick's criminal doctors.

Oh, Rick, telling Nathan that Nathan owes him for putting up with Adriana's mood swings. Rick the sexist, telling Adriana's owner (oops, I mean boyfriend) that he had to put up with her nagging and bitching for a whole month so he must be paid back. Yes, it was a joke. Yes, it was sexist.

Maybe in the future it's different, but kneeling down to someone in a wheelchair just to talk to them is mildly offensive. William could just stand there and talk to her.

William worked for Marcus for three days. Assuming that Sophie went to see her friend (her only friend, I guess), Tom, every day that means William only saw Tom three times. Does William remember everyone Sophie hung out with those three days (which happened eight months ago)? And even if he did recognize Tom as the guy Sophie spent time with I'm sure he wouldn't remember his last name. And Tom has changed so much in the last month so the person standing before William make look like old Tom but he carries himself differently. I don't see how William would recognize him.

No one has bowed before in the entire story. Not for Marcus or the Senators or Gyger. So why bow before Sophie, now? And again, I must ask what Sophie has done. She made a two minute speech before the Senate and then posted seditious web sites. Am I missing something? If anything, people should be bowing to Rick who organized a resistance movement and bombed a military base. Or to Nathan who brought three battalions against Gyger.

I hope Nathan's not planning to put Sophie in charge of the post-Gyger government. Are there no Senators (are they still in captivity somewhere?) or mayors or governors or business CEOs or military colonels willing to stand up and lead the government? Must a teenager (with no high school diploma) really be put in charge? I really, really hope that this is not what happens. (EDIT: It sorta happens)

Nathan didn't plan on having a lot of help on the ground. So he has no backup plan for the invasion. Luckily, William is there. There are no other officers or planners around to lend a hand, though. Just this private who has never planned a battle before in his entire life. You're giving your main characters new skills they've never had before. That shouldn't happen.

Another mention of God instead of the One. I'm going to stop listing these. As a matter of fact, I'm going to go ahead and stop mentioning the references to Old Earth, too. They are simply too many for me to keep track of.

William is giving Nathan orders now. This isn't a military unit. This is a plucky band of heroes where no one is really in charge and there isn't a chain of command or sense of professionalism. So why do you keep pretending that they are in some sort of professional military unit?

Every major street in Capitol City intersects in the same place? There are no parallel streets? Just a big starburst pattern? Also (oh, and here I wouldn't say anything about Old Earth again) Time's Square and the Roman Forum are tiny plazas, even today. What about the National Mall in Washington, DC, or even Tienanmen Square in Beijing? Millions of people could be organized in those places. Is the unnamed Plaza a mile south of the Senate House only big enough for an army of thousands?

Two armies stand off in this plaza. Is it really hard to tell them apart? The UND side consists of... well, I don't know who is defending New Earth. Drogan left with his First Battalion so maybe it's just police and "national guard" troops left. Maybe some of the unmentioned Battalions (like the Second, Third, or Eleventh) are there, too. I wonder who is oppressing the colonies or even the other side of the planet if all the evil troops are in this one plaza?

As for the rebels, they have Seventh Battalion, Fourth Battalion, Ninth Battalion (how many in a Battalion? Thousands of troops or tens of thousands of troops? I dunno.), maybe two Battalions worth of colonists with poor combat training, and about 50 gangsters. Maybe you could say that the BattleNet has some sort of Friend/Foe Identification system. That could help determine who is on one's side.

They used red spray paint to write "7" on their chest plates. Why not use a heads-up display in the helmet highlighting who is a friendly and who is a hostile? That's more scifi and less Mad Max.

Colonel Shaw, Colonel Petrov, and Private Smith go out in the plaza to talk terms (with the colonels being the private's "lieutenants" for some reason). There is no representative from the gangsters or the colonists. No, no. This is for the important people from New Earth. Is it any wonder the colonists were so angry?

Nathan got to sit out of the battle because he had a pregnant girlfriend. I wonder how many men in the Seventh, Fourth, Ninth, or the two Colonists Battalions have pregnant girlfriends at home. How many of the women in those units have boyfriends (or even pregnant girlfriends) back home? How many soldiers have adopted orphan boys who need them? Do they get a break from war, too? Other than being the main character, why is Nathan special?

Shaw has a wife and two daughters. When the Fourth turned traitor I'm sure Drogan sent his soldiers to lock them up, too, right? I mean, he wouldn't just want Adriana; he'd want every leader's family locked up or killed. You could mention that Shaw wants revenge for their deaths and maybe make him a tragic character.

When in uniform like this it shouldn't be too hard for trained soldiers to recognize each others rank. The rebels shouldn't have to guess as to what the two UND loyalist officers' ranks are.

Xiang and Drake. A non-white name and a weird name. Yep, they're bad guys. The one William thought was a major turned out to be a Commander (the same rank as Drogan). The one he thought was a captain turned out to be a major. William: worst soldier ever.

William has no place to talk about genocide. He was on Tybar Three! He hunted down and killed civilians with his super awesome blood lust! Did he think about what he was doing? Sure. But did he keep doing it? Yes, again. William is as much of a monster as anybody at Tybar Three.

I wonder what ships are in orbit. Nathan's Mutineer's still have their carriers and destroyers up there, right? Why not just bombard the plaza and wipe out the loyalists?

I don't think everyone in the rebel army is fighting for the same reason (as you say here in this part). The ex-UND soldiers are probably fighting for their ideals of justice and freedom. The gangsters are fighting because their business interests are being damaged by the dictatorship. Some colonists are fighting because the UND recently destroyed their homes and drove them into it. Other colonists are fighting because they've been fighting the UND for years now and they've finally got the upper hand (though, of course, Nathan will take the credit for coming in and winning their war for them). I'm sure there are former pirates in the civilian battalions who just want to rape and pillage New Earth and this is their only chance.

William says "a true leader does not stick to the rear." Take that Sophie and Nathan! William has his own idea who the real leader of this rebel movement is.

William is used to charging into battle, heedless of danger, chopping and killing as many enemies as he can. How the hell is he going to be able to lead and entire Battalion of soldiers when he's in his blood rage of his? Or will he suddenly fight differently than he has in the entire story, now?

Don't simply tell us that the battle is chaotic. Show us. And once you've shown us, don't belabor the point by telling us it's all chaos. If you write well enough then you won't have to outright tell us wha
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 28 . 3/7/2009
This far into a novel you really should not got ten paragraphs in a new chapter without mentioning who you're writing about. It's needlessly confusing.

Tom kills again! So this means he's killed on guy in his house, one guy in an alley, a barracks full of sleeping soldiers, and now this TV station guard. He's used a plasma gun, a bomb, and a katana to kill people so far. Soon he'll be using his bare hands.

So now Sophie can broadcast to the world (which was what she was doing anyway with her internet stuff, right?). I still don't see why everyone likes her. She's never been a political figure! She's never been famous! She spoke at her brother's funeral, spoke at a single session of the Senate, and then posted ugly comments about the Consul on the internet. Maybe if she released a sex video or starred in a reality TV show she'd be well known.

This entire Battle for New Earth is a flop. There was no epic space battle. There was no deadly ground battle. Sophie's speech was to a world that no longer had oppressors.

Not that it matters since the battle was over before it started, but with Sophie's signal on every channel it makes it hard for the military to communicate, right? How about civilian paramedics and EMTs?

My God, no. Trent is driving a tank? Can Trent even read? I knew as soon as you wrote that he was a card shark that this boy would learn new things. But driving a tank? Really? Come on? Is he Anakin Skywalker all of a sudden?

Also, why does a hover tank from the future have pedals? Does someone need to hope out front and turn the crank to get the engine started, too? Are holo-clocks, nanobots that heal (and never get mentioned again), and floating cameras the only futuristic thing in this entire story?

To be honest, I skipped the entire tank battle thing. I have no idea what happens but I'm going to bet Nathan or William single-handedly blows at least one up. I did see a stretch in which five paragraphs in a row started with "William". You should edit that.

Okay, so I looked for the word "Trent" to see what happened to him. Since I wasn't reading I gathered that Trent activated the hover tank's weapon or rammed it into something else. Young Trent Skywalker saved William's life, I think. Too bad he didn't die. I don't like the character very much, you may have noticed. An orphan (that William helped to orphan) who is kidnapped by the occupying army (if the Seventh was on Tybar Three for five or six months then they most certainly were occupiers) only to become best friends with one of those soldiers (who is also an orphan), gets good at cards, is loved by everyone, and then joyrides on a tank across a battlefield... yeah, all that turns me off. Others may like it, though.
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 27 . 3/7/2009
Drogan's ship should be several hundred or thousand miles outside of the atmosphere. If New Earth is anything like Earth (and we both know they are exactly the same) then he'd want his ship to be further away from the surface than communication satellites.

The armada is in New Earth orbit. Did it ever go to Orion and bombard the empty villages? That was the whole reason Nathan's Mutineers set off for Hoth but you never said if it actually happened.

Also, this chapter has a lot of misspellings and typos, too. I'm in the third paragraph and I've already seen more than two.

The BattleNet must be pretty damn easy to hack. Is there nothing Nathan's Mutineer's can't do? Really, in this entire story have they lost any battle? Have they failed to accomplish anything that they set out to do? Has Nathan ever failed to so something he tried to do? Has William? I don't think anyone but Sophie, Drogan, Gyger, and Marcus (and every UND soldier not fighting on Nathan's side) have failed to do what they wanted to do.

Turning a ship 180 degrees takes a lot of time. How long? Minutes? Hours? Even if they're not back in time to stop the Seventh from running the armada's blockade they can still help their comrade bombard the landing sites from orbit. Your space physics needs to be thought out more here, too.

William is a ground soldier (so is Nathan, for that matter). Why is he on the flagship's bridge telling the rebel commander what to do? Shouldn't he be in a battle suit strapped in a dropship with the rest of his squad? Or is William the psycho not going to land on the ground and hack soldiers with his Japanese sword?

Drogar wants to warp (or jump, I'm not sure how FTL travel works in your universe) to his Death Star. I mean his Leviathan. I hope that super secret space thing is pointed towards New Earth 'cause it will take a long time for it to do a 180. Nathan's troops will be on the ground by then! (EDIT: turns out that the Leviathan doesn't need to move from where it is to be a threat)

Finally, Drogar gets around to doing what everyone knew he was going to do many, many chapters ago. I guess the Leviathan doesn't need to turn around. For that matter, there's no reason half the ships needed to jump to the prison ship. They were going to flee, anyway. The entire Overlord/prison ship subplot was completely pointless. A waste of a chapter. Why go out looking at a decoy when you're planning on fleeing anyway?

Again, if time was such a factor then why did Nathan stay on the bridge? How much time did it take for him to get down to his shuttle and suit up? Minutes? Half an hour?

If Drogan left the system with First Battalion then who is left to defend New Earth? Who is on the street and guarding government buildings? You've already established that the First Battalion had taken over as the "royal guard" for the Consul as well as general police functions. Now all of a sudden the guards are loyal to Gyger?

I wonder where Trent is in this fight. Did they leave him back on Hoth or is he on one of the transports making a combat drop into hostile territory? What about Old Lady Mary? She only wanted peace for her village. Is she packing a plasma rifle and katana as she rides the dropships down? If not then where is she?

Nathan wonders why anyone would use anti-air defenses because they're so useless. He seems to have forgotten that he was shot out of the sky by 100 year-old antique rebel weapons back on Orion.

Oh, Trent, sneaking aboard a ship bound for New Earth. The little scamp. I guess in his haste to kill people William forgot to ask someone to watch the kid he stole from Kybar Three. So Trent is wondering around the space ship (which, if the armada had stuck around, would be in a hell of a battle right now; I mean all Nathan cared about was getting troops on the ground, not winning the space battle; Trent was doomed to die on the ship; he was only saved because Drogan ran instead of fighting!) unsupervised. William: worst father ever.

Is the Armory in Capitol City? They're invading an entire world so what are the chances Nathan's objective is within walking distance of his apartment?

A new character! Colonel Petrov. Of course, he's a man. Probably white, too. (EDIT: he is white; he's a Russian)
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 26 . 3/7/2009
Riley and Lloyd are named. Two prison guards on the prison ship that Nathan sent all those poor Tybar Three colonists to. And Captain Prier of the Doomsday dropship is named, too. I wonder if any of them survive this chapter.

The three of them talk as if they were 21st Century teenagers (they say "like" and "man" a great deal). I understand that Riley and Lloyd are supposed to be stupid, comedic, throw-away characters but c'mon!

Prier is a fake name. Of course! A sneak attack! If it was a surprise then the reader saw it coming from a mile away. That Howe was piloting the ship instead of some random Captain Prier is strange.

What are the chances that the prison ship's clock and Howe's own clock are set to the same time? Maybe 6 o'clock in the morning for Howe and the rebels on the unnamed ice planet (we'll call it Hoth) but it could be late evening for the ship. Space is full of time zone problems like that. I think it would make your setting much more real if you address little things like this.

There was a female soldier on the bridge. The first female soldier (except the evil admiral and evil supply clerk in the evil bunker who have never been mentioned since then) in the entire story. And she puts up a fight! Then a soldier throws her to the ground. She doesn't speak.

Another guard managed to put up a fight, too. And he scores a hit. Then he's brutally slaughtered by the "good" soldiers of the Seventh. Justice! Freedom! I wonder what would have happened to the woman on the bridge if she managed to stab Howe? Would she have been chopped to bits, too? Would you have written that?
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 25 . 3/7/2009
There was a curfew set for the entire planet. That doesn't mean that when the sun sets on Capitol City that the whole world is silent. Half of the planet will still be in daylight. They'll be doing their daily business. I think you've reduced New Earth to everything within a stone's throw away from the Senate House. Wouldn't it be better if some of the things going on here on New Earth happened on different continents in different biomes (instead of an urban setting in a temperate climate)?

"Old Earth New Year celebration or Christmas". Are there no new holidays in 3150? Is the calendar of this distant world the same as ours? Why celebrate Christmas if you belong to the Church of the One? Ramadan wasn't celebrated so why would these people celebrate a Christian holiday? Why has no one mentioned the One lately? If a world-ending battle was coming you'd think people would be flocking to church?

I feel sorry for the soldiers of the Fourth. Though they are in this mutiny, too, the Seventh is getting all of the credit Poor Colonels Shaw and Rowe, outdone by a sergeant.

Speaking of Shaw, why does he call Nathan "Collins" (as opposed to "Nathan" or "Sergeant" or even "Commander") but calls William "Will" (instead of "Smith" or "Private")? I thought everyone in the command hut was very professional, not making coffee jokes or calling soldiers by their first name.

William walks into the command tent without saluting or anything. Does professionalism not really matter to main characters?

Shaw suggests that William might be a spy for Drogan. Nathan gets angry, balls his fist! I think Nathan is a ticking time bomb. I'm actually scared for Adriana and the baby. One day she'll be talking to a male employee at her restaurant and Nathan will see, get angry, ball his fist, scream at her, and who knows what else? Returning vets are used to killing things and may turn into abusers, especially one with a history like Nathan. But that's just speculation. I think I'm supposed to find Nathan to be an honorable hero with nothing but good thoughts in his head.

Trent! Finally, the boy that I don't really care anything for appears. I wonder what he's been up to. Has he had a birthday, yet? It's been more than half a year since he was stolen from his house on Tybar Three so there's more than a 50/50 chance that he's had one. I suppose no one knows what his birthday is (or how old he is) so maybe they'll just celebrate his birthday on the day the Tybar Three invasion began. That is, after all, the day old, happy Trent died and new, mute Trent was born.

Nathan is somewhere being alone. William shows up. Where's Trent? Who watches this kid while William is gone? Seriously, the boy must have thirty different daddies, now.

Sophie said to Gyger that the only path to peace is peace in her Senate speech. Gyger replied that the path to peace is through war. Guess who William agrees with? Yep, Gyger. They're both maniacs, just on different sides of the battlefield. Why should I root for William and not for Gyger?
My Body Stay Vicious chapter 24 . 3/7/2009
Rick met Tom, at most, a few weeks ago (I've given up trying to follow the timeline). Now Tom's his second in command? I wonder how the gangster who used to be his #2 feels? What about the criminals who helped him set up his warehouse hideout? Tom, a high school kid, comes in and gets to be vice-boss? People are going to be pissed. Dangerous people.

I wonder what Tom wanted to be before his father died? Go into the family mining business? He was at the Senate House a lot so maybe he wanted to get into politics. Now he's smiling 'cause he's been accepted into a criminal gang. I bet his father would be so proud of him.

You shouldn't compare New Earth's climate with Old Earth. Maybe compare it to other colonies, if you have to. Or just describe it instead of comparing it to something else.

Didn't Tom kill a soldier in the hallway of his house just after Drogan killed his father? Didn't Tom also blow up some barracks (in the middle of the night, which means filled with sleeping soldiers) a little later? Tom has killed more than just one person!

Tom is complaining, whining about how "they" took everything from him. I guess he doesn't notice that Sophie is going through the exact same thing but she isn't bellyaching like an emo bitch.

I hate how Sophie went from this strong woman who stood against the Consul to simply Tom's girlfriend who's only purpose seems to be to bring Angry Tom back from the brink of his rage. She's playing second fiddle, now.

Adriana yelled at Rick for smoking (in front of her while she's being all pregnant). Rick gives her a dirty look. Adriana shuts up. Sexist gangster Rick knows how to put women in their place. Sigh.
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