|Reviews for When you're gone|
| Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 1/26/2008
Okay, now, what is this? Really? I know it is some livejournal trend, but come on. It seems juvenile! (this is actually a compliment, as I find your piece to stand above suc )
Your words/wordings are really great. I for some reason have a liking for using "seams" as a metaphor so I was only happy to see that happening as well.
What is wrong with your piece, what holds it back, is the flow. Because it is so disrupted so many times! You complicate the easy, which isn't necessary because the piece would be might good and even better without it.
Let me illustrate:
"I can't take it anymore. The world
hooks its loveless self onto me"
What is with this trend of starting a sentence and then just totally cutting it off, mid-line? I have noticed it is another trend, but oh well. it disrupts the flow and reads strangely.
And why is the third line its own paragraph? Some things makes little sense and done for seemingly no reason :/ That is not good.
"I either have too many words or none to fit in its synopsis."
Too long of a line. Shorten it or divide it somehow. "none at all" works better in my opinion, but maybe that is just me. Shortening easier flow.
You have a good poem, just make it flow better, alright?
- Frac, from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
| a silenced revolution chapter 1 . 1/26/2008
Wow, that's really beautiful. No criticism, just a really nice piece.