|Reviews for Marquis|
| Mistval chapter 1 . 12/18/2008
Your writing is pretty sophisticated, which is nice. You also throw in a lot of good description, like 'hanging jaw'.
Your dialogue is a little bit wierd in places though. like, "You must have a witch for a mother to be so incompetent!” is a little bit of a lame thing to say.
Also, you should throw more discription and backstory between certain chunks of dialogue. In one place, you have six big pieces of dialogue with nothing between them.
And on a different note, you forget to close quotes in some places.
Overall, very good. I'd say the most important thing to work on is pacing your dialogue and explaining more about what the people are saying.
| Mouse Mitterand chapter 1 . 7/14/2008
Really lovely. The only things I can think of to comment on (negatively) are a few missing commas, the occasional confusion about who is speaking, and one or two other typos. Other than that, this is really excellent. It's clean, the style fits the story, and the characters are engaging through their history, which really pulls in the reader and is (to be honest) a total treat for someone who used to read a lot of monarch-style books but always wanted the details. This is quite nearly perfect.
| deefective chapter 1 . 7/10/2008
Overall, I really liked this piece. I love the way that you begin to create an interesting story with your idea. It's intriguing and makes a reader want to read more. The only thing I didn't like was at the beginning I found that you used way too many adjectives. It made those sentences clumpy. But hey, that's just me. Other than that I love the way you write.
| Josh Howatt chapter 1 . 6/4/2008
This was pretty good. The writing is fine.
Though overall, I didn't find myself entirely invested in the story. It needs some oomph.
Just a few nits.
If not for his wheezing his approach would have been silent, but certainly not unnoticed." - If not for his wheezing[,] his approach ...
wood had a patina." Does wood patina? I've never heard of that.
The ending was funny.
| groovi-gal-numba1 chapter 1 . 5/27/2008
~THE REVEIW GAME~
wow ok - i liked the twist at the ending!
main problem was, the begining didn't draw me in. Maybe start with something other than a recount, and talk about a feeling instead. does that make sense?
I really liked all the inner voice things that were being said inbetween sentances. The way you sturctured it was very clever.
| Shelly McCoy chapter 1 . 5/25/2008
I liked the overall effect and the whole plot of the story, but in the beginning I noticed that you seemed to assume that the reader knew things that they didn't, such as what the throne looked like here: "The king was at his desk, a massive, dark sculpture at the center of the room. His chair, high and deeply shadowed, was almost as intricate as the throne, though here black lacquer took the place of gold leaf."
Go into detail as to what the throne looks like or omit the comparison.
Good job overall.
| rassoodock chapter 1 . 4/23/2008
i was never a big fan of fantasy stories, but i did enjoy yours. the writing reminds me of a girl i used to know. she was a big fantasy person and she was damn good at it. it reminds me a lot of the stories i used to have read to me as a kid, but with a more mature style.
| Lady of the Deep chapter 1 . 2/29/2008
i like it reall good description and i especially like the thought shots. good job ;)
| Viofor chapter 1 . 2/27/2008
First few lines...
I don't get the first sentence. "...thick and swollen with money."
also who is 'he'? I'm only in the second sentence and there is somebody that I don't know. Throw me a rope. I think a little more detail and introduction to the old man is needed. Maybe throw in a description of the hall. You start out with action which is kind of hard to picture right off the bat.
" It continued a little too long, was a little too loud."
I liked this line. It gave me a sense of this King.
"The eyes were clear and narrow, the gaze fixed squarely on the old man. "
I got confused with this one. I thought the old man was the Marquis and NOT the king. I thought this was from the Kings point of view at first.
I think a stronger introductoin would help the story. rewrite it so that it draws the reader into the world you are tyring to create. I'd say just a bit more description and this would be a very very good chapter.
the dialogue is certainly interesting, it's like i'm eavesdropping on the King's conversations. Nicely done. You've got talent with dialogue. It rings true and does not sound dull or fake. Good job.
| Will Seaver chapter 1 . 2/27/2008
This was pretty good. Dialogue is tricky but you did well, and I enjoyed it.
| LucienofShadow chapter 1 . 2/24/2008
"You must have a witch for a mother to be so stupid!” Doesn't strike me as something a king would say.
"and somehow though it would be" should be 'and somehow thought'
An excellent ending to the piece. But there was so much detail before it, and potential for the story to grow on beyond this one-shot, though I will note that I would recommend removing the 'I hope I haven't started a war.' The rest of us can tell that it is a risk, and I don't think it's something he would risk saying. Or even consider saying anyhow. If you want him to say something along those lines you could say, 'I hope I haven't gone beyond my depth' or something.
| Imalefty chapter 1 . 2/20/2008
review game! :)
"The king was at his desk, [the] massive, dark sculpture that it was." - i think that makes more sense, though i'm not really sure.
"the old man though[t]" - typo. :)
whoa, the old man is dielle? isn't that the character in your other story...? XD sorry, i got confused for a minute.
"So what brings a sick old man out to see another old man?" - this sentence was a little strange, probably because of the repetition of "old man," though i see what you're trying to do... i don't really have any advice, but just wanted to point it out... :)
"Get Those Blinds Closed" - why are these all capitalized?
"‘Because they keep disappearing.’ “The lady is foreign.” ‘Because no one in her right mind would marry into our family.’" - i think that the ' are thoughts and the " is dialogue, but it was a bit confusing at first. perhaps use italics for thoughts instead?
i like dielle's mental commentary on the conversation. i think it gives a little detail and background to this old man (and helps explain the situation a little better).
OH. i get it! dielle is a last name. hahahaha... XD
whoa! twisted ending! :) i definitely didn't see that one coming.
this is a nice little one shot (though i do think you could/should make it into a larger story.). overall, your writing is good (as usual) and you've captured the situation really well in such a short piece. you used the dialogue to describe what was happening, which was made it a nice read. :)
| Seigetsu Ren chapter 1 . 2/18/2008
I'll be writing this as I read along. Excuse me if this sounds choppy.
"If not for his wheezing his approach would have been silent, but certainly not unnoticed."
Unnoticed by who? If his approach were to be silent, why would it be noticed?
"The king was at his desk, massive, dark sculpture that it was."
Run-on sentence. Try "The King was at his desk which was a massive, dark sculpture"
"His chair, high and dark, was almost as intricate as the throne, though here dark lacquer took the place of gold leaf."
You used dark to describe the throne and you are using it twice here to describe the chair. It sounded a bit repetitive.
"Compared to the furniture the man was unimpressive, short and stout with age, his girth pressing against the arms of the chair while the top of his head barely reached the top of the backboard."
The sentence sounds a little clumsy and is probably a run-on. Try to separate individual ideas into individual sentences.
"...the old man though..."
I think you meant "thought"
Overall, well written. I like the balance of dialogue and description. That was very good. There were few mistakes in your writing; just some run-on sentences. Try keeping it simple when you are doing descriptions.
Plot: It was interesting, but not quite independent. Is this a one-shot? If it is, then it feels very incomplete. More elaboration would make this story a better read.
Characters: Interesting characters, but you haven't really built up on them. I think you may need more of a back story before I can understand what is going through their heads.
“I’m afraid my health’s been going downhill lately. Nothing to be done, or so they tell me. Confounded doctors, they never can do anything right, all they can say is bed rest.”
The vocab used here really fits my image of a noble. Good job.
In general, it was a good read. Your writing is competent and easy to understand. Thanks for the good story!
| Dreams of death by Chocolat chapter 1 . 2/16/2008
Wow this is really well writen. I really like how the conversations go. Nicely done.
| Equilibrium chapter 1 . 2/13/2008
This was a touchingly human story, and I liked that very much. I especially enjoyed your descriptions and your characterisation. Brilliant. The only problem would be that several sentences could be rephrased to sound less confusing. The rest was genius.