It's an amazing story so far! I couldn't stop reading. It's pleasantly detailed, but not so detailed that it becomes annoying, you have a wide and really interesting variety of really awesome characters and every chapter I read I wanted to read more!

At first when I started reading this I thought it was complete, so ha I'm pretty peeved, hope you update soon!

1. I'm curious to know whether you thought the scene in the ballroom went too quickly or was confusing. Lots of accusations, general chaos. Hard to follow?

It wasn't too hard to follow, the bit where the cobra dropped onto Arnae's lap was a lil bit confusing.

2. Is the writing style for the Timar-Adrianne scene irksome? There's a lot of dialogue which seemed a little repetitive to me on a re-read.

I quite liked that bit, and to be honest i like the though of Timar and Adrianne as a couple. Of course thats completely down to you. Timar's probably my favourite charaxter, for some reason he reminds me of Fred Weasley from Harry Potter.

Question for you:

So.. what's Emir gonna do? Declare war or something? Or is Adrianne going to give in and just marry him. Hopefully not the latter :D

Update when you can!

~CheddarPixie

hey! glad to see an update :)

a thought: you sound a little defensive in your author note with the point-by-point rebuttal. I just wanna pipe in and say that your story IS wonderful and for something that you're just writing online, it has wonderful depth and suspense. the characterization is also awesome.

so yeah. you don't have to excuse yourself or anything, you know. if I were you I'd just say "yeah, maybe I'll fix that in the update" or "wait and see". I understand the need to address comments like that though.

blahblah. you can ignore my mindless rambling.

I liked this chapter! I can't help but feel that dacia is smarter than she looks. I wonder if she's guessed about arnae and the switch? especially since a few people said her real name and all... and she knows arnae well enough that she'd probably be able to guess, right? or maybe she has no idea, but I'm just tossing ideas out.

I'm still unsure as to who put the snake-box gift in. haha. I have ideas, but all of them are sort of not fully-formed... I guess you'll have to wait to hear a better guess from me.

I have a few random theories that I'll toss out though.

Not everyone in the sylvian outlaws is necessarily working in arnae and adr.'s interests. they might at some point hatch a plot to off them for their own (and maybe the country's?) interests. right? I don't know. that would be super sad though :(

and it might not make too much sense.

I also have a bad feeling about jasperian, but it's difficult to say with him. I mean, we really haven't seen enough of him to guess, but I think he just befriended her because she looks like the princess... now queen, I guess. and he wants to marry her if they switch places... which puts jasperian's "friends" under my scrutiny as well... hmm...

right now, the only person I really trust is kavour hahah.

this is kind of like in clue, where EVERYONE tries to kill mr. body, but only one of them succeeds...

only, hopefully arnae doesn't die.

"A certain degree of cliché is necessary in any fiction [...] I am waiting until later chapters to develop their characters more extensively." You're 25 chapters in, or, as you said, about half-way. Characterization should be pretty solid by now. While I don't think you've done a bad job, I don't think you should discount the comments about clichés or write them off with an excuse.

I actually liked the scene with Timar and Adrianne, although I think that you're right about the repetitiveness. I enjoyed the dialogue, but I'm going to warn you that Adrianne's constant angst is getting old, fast. It's a bit too one-dimensional.

I was really happy to read Dacia's observations of the Emir. Breaking the empty-headed blond act was a good move.

I don't know if this is intended, but the vast majority of the chapter is devoted to dialogue. You're really excellent with sensory description, so I have to wonder what happened to that...

Beautiful story. I like the premise and style, and congratulations on making it this far with your story (which, as a writer myself, I know to be an incredibly difficult feat). Most of all, I like the political intrigue.

Magic doesn't belong in this story (at least not high fantasy), so if Nireem does have magic, I'd expect it to be more subtle, much like that of the Sylvian Outlaws door being hard to make out from the walls.

As for what you think is human, there are a lot of people who aren't moody, easily annoyed, nor argumentative. And I would like to see Arnae take control of the situation a bit more, perhaps as a contrast with Adrianne. It's a bit implausible that Adrianne would willingly give up the throne unless she had a back-door method of regaining it; she would be very clueless if she thinks switching places with slaves is a cool idea. If I were in that position I most certainly wouldn't want to become a slave. Overall, however, the characters are quite good and believable.

If you believe that a scene is hard to follow, then it most certainly is, since you're the one who can follow it best.

Considering that readers won't re-read things, you may want to reduce how often you re-read your work. Keep track of what info and events pop up as something you've already seen before (when you were writing it), since that's what readers will remember. I oftentimes miss things that were important yet only mentioned or alluded to only once in the story; that can make the situation a bit confusing.

Characters should premeditate their actions and feel emotions a bit more. Conversations between the nobility are rarely as straightforward as you've made it out to be; they often consist of maneuvering and spiraling around topics.

Overall, well done. I'd give this a 6/10.

Oh, grats for winning best long story in TiRO awards (wink)! :D i can't remember if i'm making the award for you or not. i dont think so. anyway, the scene was realistic, i felt. it was actaully pretty controlled in my opinion. i would have thought that accusations would have been flying everywhere from everyone at the same time like "Of course it's obvious the Emir would have-" "how DARE you accuse me?" "-no, the Escan symbol-" "-honestly, dont you people have brains?" or something. lol. but that's really chaotic o_O and the timar/adrianne scene is okay, i dunno if they were talking fast or not; it seemed like it. they're very ... intellectual with each other. anyway it's ok that the dialogue is repetitive - that's what you do in arguments, anyway. :D

i do like kavour/arnae though... hee! poor jasperian. i keep trying to draw all the characters in the story and i'm always forgetting jasperian.

I'm so glad you're still pumping chapters out. It's a virtue unto itself to write 140k words, let alone 140k good ones!

Perhaps one day I shall be able to write like this, hmm hmm. We shall see.

Anyways, again, thanks for keeping at it. I've thoroughly enjoyed every chapter.

1) the coronation script was good, I didn't get bored at all, I was even really interested!

2)You really don't have that much description, but I like it that way. I love to be able to picture my own scenes in your story. It's a lovely story at that.

3) At first I thought it was Jasperian trying to get rid of Adrianne, so that Arnae could take the throne. But then I remembered that they would have to do it in secret. So my guess is that it's mister nasty Emir. Am I right? Becuase, maybe he was afraid at being found out so he decided to to kill the snake... Oh I don't know!

Good job! Happy day for me! I love Nireem and I'm so happy she's free! Can I guess that Nireem has Magic? I really think she does! I absolutly adore her! But I am wondering on how you're going to keep her in the story... Please tell me she's still a main character!

I'm still in love with Kavour but... I want Jasperian to make him jelous, so bad! Soon! Bring him home soon! I'm really begging, becuase I want Jasperian to kiss her before Kavour, or maybe even have Kavour kiss her, then have him watch the "budding love" of Arnae and Jasperian... (sighing)

I really hope that Adrianne gives up her childish love for Kavour and falls in love with Timar! They'd be so cute together!

What happened to jasperian, Arne promised that she would marry him but he hasnt returned from where ever he went. and Does arne like jasperian or Kavour

No, the coronation script was perfectly done. I really liked this chapter - very action packed, yet hilarious, romantic (SQUEE!), and with an amazing cliffhanger. I think you portrayed Nireem and the Emir really well here, with Nireem's calm head and the Emir's temper. Lots and lots of good description but not to the point where it's Tolkien. Great work on this chapter :] Love how you updated so soon too! Hehe. I think the Emir sent the cobra, isn't Huan Raj a desert region? Probably wanted to kill Arnae so he could take the throne or something.

great chapter!

Finally! I have found the time to sit down at the computer and read you chapters! Today, very fortunatly, was a snow day. The first in forever, so I read. :)

I did find minor spelling errors(Like 3, but I pretty sure those were just fictionpress), but I found those yesterday when I read the first fourth of your story and I can't seem to find them at the moment, but besides that, this chapter was fantastic! Woot! I love the akwardness between Karvour and Arnae. Its very indearing and I wish Jasperian would get out of the picture and the Emir of Haun-Raj. Now its Andrianne and Timar. That works!

Oh and what I said about the couples last time, I meant Branic and Nireem, not Yenthyl. My bad. :)

Questions (for you):

1. Arnae has multiple interactions with Kavour in this chapter (which, I must admit, were a lot of fun to write). Do you think their relationship – and I can call it that, because I think I've made it pretty obvious by now – is progressing too slowly? Too quickly? Well, I want them to be together right away, but I think the pace is fine for now. Is she going to realize her feelings before she goes away with the Emir, IF she goes away with the Emir, I should say.

2. Arnae's little "talk" with the Emir doesn't go quite as expected. Believable? Yes! I would be mad too if I were him and he seems like a nasty fellow course he's going to hold war over her head. Loved it. I love when there are 'complications'.

3. Are there any questions you want me to answer that I haven't answered yet?

No, I can't think of any now.

Keep writing!

Ha! I can just imagine it in Monty Python style...

"What is your favorite color?" "Blue-no, green!" "Off with her head!"

Hehe, but seriously, the questions were ok. I am easily bored so I did skip all but the fourth question and I think the third...

Can't wait for the next update!

Wow, I've only read the first two chapters of this, and already I can tell that this will most likely be an addition to my favorites. Your characters seem really realistic so far, something that tends to be rare in some of the stories I see on here. Arnae seems like a really likable protagonist, and I look foward to reading more about her. I'm also curious about the other character in the first half of chapter one as well as Nireem. The pacing seems to be good, and I absolutely love your descritions. Honestly, I couldn't really find anything else in here that I didn't like, but I look foward to reading more (hopefully tomorrow if I'm not still cramming for finals...). Great job so far!

hi

Nice chapter! Woah Nireem can communicate with snakes,I always thought there was something about her.

- I dont get who gave Arnae or "Princess Adrianne" the snake though...

I hope nothing happens to Nireem,, curse the Emir,, what an a-hole.

Can't wait for chapter 25!

Why are all the nobles and royalty ridiculous? Even the Queen, who is an alcoholic, Lord Byrnes, who not only has a speech impediment but is also slightly mentally challenged, Lady Dacia and that other noblewoman who are the cliqued beautiful mean girls with no personalities. While the protagonist is really always getting mad about everything and is somehow supposed to be charming? Her personality really isn't that much different than Adrianne's.

Also the relationship with Jasperian makes zero sense-especially with the character. It's pretty random, and I can only suppose it was intended to make a climax for when he comes back and everyone gets mad at poor Arnae for lying. What will probably happen is that Kavour will confess his love to Arnae and then Jasperian will show up and he'll feel all betrayed and then Arnae will be all cut up and realize she loves him too. And so on.

I just wish the characters weren't as cliched.