|Reviews for The Sylvian Outlaws|
| kirstenb.0319 chapter 36 . 12/30/2009
Ah, what the hell! I don't want her to die! She can't die! Update right now! Please? :(
| Efreisone chapter 36 . 12/30/2009
SO happy with this chapter. I feel like the last few have kind of been dragging along, waiting for the plot to kick back in. This was a welcome change of pace.
Lots of random comments:
I liked where you said that Adrianne only had fifteen minutes left to live-while it definitely takes the surprise away, it was way creepy. Mentioning it again at ten minutes kind of detracts from that, though.
I've totally forgotten what was up with Hait. What reason did he have to kill Adrianne and attack Garibaldi? Does he just want the throne...?
The repeated use of the candelabra and "Horse shit!" was hilarious. Although both sounded really out of place with Garibaldi... the man just seems too docile.
Arnae is way too accepting of Kavour being alive. There's no SHOCKING REVELATION! moment, and he's been dead for, what, one chapter? I think you could draw out Kavour's absence to let his "death" sink in a little. And would it kill Arnae to apologize for, you know, trying to kill Kavour? Girl needs some manners.
The constant use of formal titles is a little annoying, particularly for characters we know well and have seen outside a formal setting. Like, "'Whatever,' said Lord Kavour of Cadaras." It's unnecessarily wordy, and personally, I just skip over it.
Across the story, I think you have far too many characters that pop in and out when they're needed. Like Viviane? Marcus? Dephelmun? They haven't been mentioned in ages, and it's ridiculously hard to keep track of everyone. When the story is finished and read as a whole, I'm sure it won't be as troublesome, but either way, I think you should cut characters where you can.
Finally, what is up with the green sky?
| TymCon chapter 36 . 12/30/2009
Lol waht a crazy chapter. So much stuff happened. The mad uncle was finally seen in styory, lord Duncan returned and staged a coup(Far less subtle than Jasperians:P) and Adrianna, and Gribiald died? Im not entirely sure it was creepy. More suspunseful. I loved the countdown. And my fave moment was Gribalds speech when the fake nobles were in crowd. A very good chapter.
| sugaplumprincess chapter 36 . 12/30/2009
The long awaited winter update, and what an update it is! Ahh you've killed Adrianne! Dead! And brought Kavour back from the dead, but that I was expecting. I didn't think Gareth/Hait would really do it, not after he met her for real but perhaps he is just that much of the cold chessmaster that he could really hide all his true motivations. He and Duncan have sure outdone Jasperian, which is I guess why Adrainne is going to need both Cadaras boys to take back the throne. Firivati said one of them had to be queen and I had been expecting Arnae, but then I was expecting it to be because Adrianne ran off with Timar. And Adrianne was finally acting queenly, she was snooping, and talking to the ambassadors and even going to give up Timar. And we still never found out what Jasperian did to her leg! So in short, I was really surprised.
Other things: I'm glad Arnae fought back against Jasperian at the end, but it's also good she didn't beat him because she's still weakened. I approve of Lord Vincent quite a bit now, he's far more badass then I expected. The sealing was a cool ceremony, I liked Arnae's reflection that she hadn't expected nobles to do it. How did the palace guard get so corrupt? Half of them are loyal to Duncan, then a whole other segment follows Jasperian, they're worse than a Roman army. The countdown to Adrianne's death was suspenseful, I kept expecting Duncan to execute her.
I'm wondering what's up with the swans, in Arnae's vision, in the paintings, 'the black swan.' Also the weather, wtf?
The dialogue between Hait and Garibaldi was a bit confusing at first, I wasn't quite sure who was talking, but it wasn't that important. I thought the fight between Arnae and Kavour was a bit unnecessary, and I was surprised that Jasperian could suddenly control her so well, I'm guessing it had to do with the blood. I didn't really find the last section that creepy, we know she's going to die, and we have a pretty good idea who's going to do it, I guess since there's not much mystery it's hard to be unnerved by it. Also, you have (four minutes left) right before she sees Hait, I would think she spent more time in the tunnel, and that she didn't die so slowly. and now you'll leave us waiting forever for an update, le sigh
| Ijo chapter 17 . 12/29/2009
You have a good writing style and are proficient at dropping subtle hints of plot. However, you drop one hint after another, never dwelling on one thing long enough. Sometimes it’s difficult to keep track of them. The plot hints bring excitement and suspense into the story. I am guessing that Arnae is the princess’s sister or something like that. However, I would suggest reminding the readers of the hints you’ve dropped before, because if the readers can’t keep track of all of them, can you? You could try to simply weave them in and out of the story. Sorry, if I am getting redundant but a pet peeve of mine is stories with a million loose ends and unanswered questions. Don’t worry though; you don’t seem to be heading in that direction. Also, the way you brought Sarayne into the story. You mention her in one chapter and in the next she’s suddenly thee. It seems as if you had just made her up to further the plot. Lord Vincent was the same way. He hadn’t been mentioned before (or at least I didn’t notice) and then, suddenly he was there asking her to act as the princess.
Another thing, she agreed to become the queen, but there have been no lessons so far. Nothing that would help her know how to act as the queen. Also, they take her with them to break some prisoners out with no prior training (stealth or something), and without doing something less…riskier first. Also, when Arnae was trying to free Branic with Nireem, she had yelled Nireems name out in front of the guards, who had also seen Nireem, yet there were no repercussions.
I see that you are trying to keep Arnae from becoming a complete Mary Sue. That is good. However, there are a few inconsistencies with how you are trying to do that. I gather that one of the ways you attempt to do that is by giving her a bad sense of direction, yet in an emergency that does not pose a problem for her at all.
A few questions that I have: how do the Sylvian Outlaws able to identify one another? Doesn’t anyone notice that Arnae keeps getting injured? She keeps getting injuries—like a black eye (which is pretty visible)—from the training but none of the other slaves or the Lady she serves seems to notice. Same with Kavour. Also, when they went to rescue the prisoners, did Arnae learn the layout of the city at all? She had never been there. You didn’t mention them having escape routes or having laid any kinds of plans before hand. It seemed like a spur of the moment thing.
I would suggest maybe adding a few scenes of interaction between Jasperian and Arnae before he asked her to marry him. I’m not surprised that he did so or that she agreed, however. It would just be more readily acceptable if you did add those scenes. Now those scenes really need to be in there if I can accept her being in love with him. Which I don’t, because I think it’s just infatuation. When she told him that Vincent had asked her to take place of the princess, he was very accepting of that (maybe ‘accepting’ is the wrong word...but his reaction was, well…suspicious). It made me think whether or not he and Vincent had set this up, and if he wanted to leave Vincent with Arnae so that the two of them would talk. Also, I suspect that he did not ask Arnae to marry her because he loved her, but because he wants to use her and be kind. Another observation of Jasperian. To me it appears as if he was trying to use Arnae from the very beginning.
The story isn’t as smooth as it can be (if that makes any sense) there are a few bumps and rough edges, but nothing major. I really hope you don’t take this review as a flame. This is one of the best stories on this sight. One that actually deserves 500 reviews, unlike some that have over a thousand and are just…bad, cliché, and unoriginal. Anyway, keep up the hard work. As I read this story I notice that you improve from chapter to chapter. It’s a great piece of work. I was glad to read it. I don’t mean to seam nitpicky, it’s just if I am going to leave a long review. I think you would prefer one filled with things you could work on and not things that I loved or enjoyed. Or not.
| Ijo chapter 15 . 12/29/2009
Great story. There a few things I would suggest you could try to fix. For example, the way you introduced Duncan way back in...I forgot which chapter. It was the chapter with the scene in the hall where Arnae was going to go get the boxes fixed. You mentioned who he was immediately, even though Arnae didn't know how Lord Duncan looked like nor did anyone else call him by his name before then. There are a few more instances like that: people knowing each others names when they shouldn't. Overall the story is great, one of the best on this site. You're a great writer, and I wouldn't be surprised if you would be able to publish this. After some editing, of course.
| Canaletto chapter 2 . 12/24/2009
Hm. An interesting start. Though I haven’t seen much, it appears you have a fairly diverse group of characters, and it seems like you’re going to have a lot of character development coming up very soon.
One thing, you make a few grammatical errors in some places. They aren’t anything big, but you should probably proof read some of your chapters again. Or, get someone to check over your work when you’ve finished each chapter. Again, it doesn’t detract from the story, but it would make for a little bit smoother reading.
Still this is an interesting read, and I’ll definitely continue with the later chapters.
| Twyletta chapter 35 . 12/5/2009
Well I liked it. :D The jumpng around made the scenes more dramatic.
Hmm, was that Kavour? I sure hope so. He can't die just yet. I mean, Arnae realized she loved him! Ah, romance...
Merry Early Christmas!
| Dagonmaster chapter 31 . 11/29/2009
Hello again, first off I apologize for my lack of reviews. As you probably guessed, I've been incredibility busy and thus, rarely had any time. With that said, I can assure you that will not be able to review on a chapter by chapter basis.
With that out of the way let's get onto the review. So far this story has been incredible. From its twists, to its characters I've been really adoring this tale.
This last chapter was absolutely marvelous. The fight scenes were great and thus, overall it was amazing. I did feel sorry though that Miranda had to die.
Overall, this story is great and I'll definitely be reading on.
| Written chapter 35 . 11/29/2009
WOW, this chapter was intense! so much going on.
okay, so first of all, I need to say this. KAVOUR. kavour. kavour. PLEASE let him be alive? haha.
anyway. moving on.
okay so... this was a wonderful read, a nice long chapter. i liked the story about saka, seeing what branic and adrianne were up to and seeing how they escape, and also the marriage proceedings. it did jump around a lot but i liked it that way? just my opinion.
i'm definitely wondering how everything will work out in the end. you've got my attention! please do update soon and hope thanksgiving was a blast. it's so fun seeing christmas stuff up... only a month away now!
thanks for the update :)
| Dagonmaster chapter 9 . 11/28/2009
Hello once more, first off I apologize for not reviewing on a chapter by chapter basis. I'm usually not that kind of person and thus, my reviews are inconsistent.
With that said, allow me to get to the review. So far this story is getting really interesting. This primarily can be directed towards Arnae and her interaction with Jasperian.
Its easy to see he's attracted to her and somewhat vice versa for her. I really liked how you characterized him as someone who's not like the typical noble, but in essence is a humble, gentle person.
Plus, I'm starting to see my predication about Arnae having some connection come to pass.
On that note, this is a great story and thus, I'll be reading on.
| Dagonmaster chapter 2 . 11/28/2009
Hello again, I apologize for not reviewing this sooner, for I've been incredibly busy. With that said, allow me to get to the review.
So far, this story is turning out really well. Your writing is still very good and has great flow and pacing. Also, your imagery was spot on, for I could see the setting, but at the same time, not be overwhelmed by it.
The scene with Nireem was heartbreaking. She didn't deserve to be insulted by that, especially after what she'd gone through.
I hope she hangs on. Also, Arnae was great during this chapter. I have a feeling, that there's something unique about her.
Overall, great chapter and I'll definitely be reading on.
| THE BNZ chapter 35 . 11/27/2009
I always forget who the fiddler is and what she's doing talking to Arnae. I've also forgotten who Karboren is.
Other than that, everything's fine, just fine! Though I just know that Kavour isn't dead... well, kind of. I won't be shocked if he really is dead.
I can't wait to see how this all turns out!
| TymCon chapter 35 . 11/27/2009
I actually thought this was the best chapter yet. So much actually happened in this chapter but im just going to say what i liked the most.
1. The menacing Karborean was shown to be a bit of a wannabe Jasperian.
mishcheifness with the windows:P
3. Lord vincents usual ambigouness.(Horrible spelling but im tired)
Drama when she said no to the oaths. All the nobles reaction was priceless. And the hole she just hit a hornet nest feel.
5. The fiddler bit at the end.
Now i really liked this chapter. This chapter had the feel of something i like so much in books when its done well. Like so much is happening, it keeps piling on and then converging and preety much exploding. Im waiting for the explosion:D
| AlijaS117 chapter 35 . 11/26/2009
can't wait for the next chapter please update soon!