Reviews for Overtime
TheThingsSheSaid chapter 2 . 5/22/2011
Wow... I would HATE being that girl... The mom seems like a butterscotch (I'm not allowed to cuss...XD)

Wonderful job
PhantomBialystock chapter 2 . 7/10/2008
This was a great piece of writing, especially for one so short and from one person's POV. It really expressed the thoughts of people like this, and made you feel for the daughter that she was talking to. You would really like to smack the mother across the face by the end of this! The chandelier is a great metaphor, too.

The only thing I'm curious about is if you purposely put run-on sentences in here and left out punctuation. If you did, cool, if you didn't, then you might want to check it again. But I'm pretty sure that you purposely did that. Wonderful job!
Zonne chapter 2 . 6/25/2008
PRIZE for your Review Marathon Win

I liked the first version better. It felt very real and down to earth. The comments the mother made about nose, eyes, etc.. were appropriately nasty. Subtle, like that 'type' of person would make.

I liked the way the mother in the first part just off-handedly dismissed the daughter's feelings and her as a person, she came off as just another possession.

The second part I didn't like as well because it came off as the daughter was an intrusion on her otherwise perfect life. As if she hated her, rather than possesed her. I think someone this selfish doesn't have enough to give to even hate. Hate is powerful and lets someone else have control. The first part, in many ways, was more cruel, because it didn't even give the daughter a strong emotion, just a swat of attention.

So, overall, I liked the first version because it felt real and direct and more cold.

I didn't like the second version as well because it felt like you tried to hard.

Nice job at two versions of the same thing. That's very hard to do, I know!

Z
lymli chapter 2 . 6/10/2008
well, the emotions from this are more clear.
lymli chapter 1 . 6/10/2008
at first I thought this poem was about happy things but after it seemed as if you were angry and you didn't want those things, and I think you love that person but you want to take time to do the things.
Hed in the Cloudz chapter 1 . 6/6/2008
I love the last line! It completely fits in with its uncensored understatement- it makes the poem-thing perfect! :)

I'm a punctuation psycho, though, and I noticed a few errors. In particular, the second last line in the second stanza has the word "its" (no apostrophe) when it should be "it's" (as in "it is"). Silly mistakes like these undermine the effectiveness of the entire piece, and annoy me to no end.

This is your prize review for the RM- sorry it's so lame, I am AWFUL at poetry reviewing!
Amethyst Asheryn chapter 1 . 3/22/2008
Review game review:

Hey! Well, first of all… According to the Review Game standards…:D

Flow: I think it flowed really well (rhyming or not, the lines went together very well.) maybe it was the number of syllables in a line – I’m not sure, but whatever it was it added to the poem.

“Technical aspect”: Mostly, I didn’t see any grammatical errors except these ones:

“for your them, its the newest style”: There’s an extra “your” there. Also: “ignore the lightening and thunder” – lightning has no “E” in it.

Other than that, I didn’t find anything else.

Thanks for organizing it well – it made it easier for me to read, most definitely. I liked where you chose to end and begin your stanzas.

I especially liked this part:

“ignore the lightening and thunder

It’s not really there because

the water would ruin your curls”. That was perhaps my favorite part of the poem.

The other thing I liked was “Hush honey of course you like boys” – I can’t say why, I just liked that you imply that in fact she doesn’t like boys.

I loved it, all in all, except for those things I pointed out above. Sort of sad, but at the same time not TOO sad - more ... I don't know. The word I keep thinking of is bittersweet, but I know that's not right. Oh well...I'll get it to you if I remember. :-)

Thanks!

Ashe
defola chapter 2 . 2/27/2008
Review Game!

15,0 some reviews? Holy, biscuits, woman!

I'm not very good at reviewing poetry... as I don't know what makes it good or bad. But, I will tell you, this piece (in both forms) was very striking. I love the mindset you took on, and the imagery was *beautiful*.

-Rachel
SickButPretty chapter 1 . 2/25/2008
Well, I don't know how to review constructively, I'm just gonna go ahead and admit that. I'm sure if I sat here and studied the poem for a while I'd get some ideas, I've been looking at other people's reviews. Yes, the rich bitchy mother is a bit of a cliche- but she's a cliche for a reason, because it's damned fun to hate her. "You do not have any problems, only sunshine and rainbows." Love the biting edge to this, this line rings true for me as when I'm depressed (which I guess is a lot of the time) people are always pointing out how 'great' my life is, because I guess from the outside it's easy to see what you think is there, but truthfully no one knows what you're life is like except you. That's kind of why I wrote You Don't Know me, because people make about 15 assumptions a minute and even if you try to tell them, they just won't budge.
Esther Jade chapter 2 . 2/17/2008
Hey! I'm guessing this is the revised version...

I like the last two lines. I think the rest is a bit over-the-top. It's an interesting theme but the mother feels too much like a cutout character. What I liked about your other poems is that the voice felt very authentic whereas I'm not sure if this one does.

The curls-botox image, in particular, doesn't feel real. Curls feels like quite an old-fashioned fashion whereas botox is modern. If you said her GHD, I would buy it (a GHD is a fairly expensive hair-straightener which is used by most of the stars including, incidentally, Victoria Beckham - I know all this because my socialite sister had to have one).

The grandchildren-criticism juxtaposition feels contradictory. I know it's meant to be but for me, it just strains credibility.

The recurring motif of the chandelier works but it doesn't feel like there's enough of a crescendo to the idea of it breaking.

My suggestions would be:

- Make it more specific. Right now it feels like a generic "keeping up with Jones'" poem.

- Use brackets to frame the mother's asides. I think it would make the two sides of what the mother's saying more obvious.

- For the line "because life is image and nothing else matters", I would try "because life is image and image is life". It will sound like the last line (I think it's the last) of "Ode to a Grecian Urn" but I don't think that would be a problem.

I hope that's helpful. I hate sounding negative but we seem to have established sufficiently good dialogue that you know I like your work overall and am just trying to help. (And I don't mind being disagreed with).
massattraction chapter 1 . 2/12/2008
Very nicely done!

I like the fact that the mom is constantly worrying about her money rather than the rest of the obvious problems surounding her.

Good Job )
IndiaLikeTheCountry chapter 1 . 2/11/2008
I really like this, it's a clever idea and you tell the story well )
Moon-Chaser chapter 2 . 2/9/2008
I like both of these, you write both differently but still get the point across. I don't have any suggestions for you though, you write very well.

Keep it up.
lookin4nemo chapter 1 . 2/9/2008
wow. very good! this is just wonderful! It gave me an image that went perfect with the message you created
Manuel Fajar chapter 2 . 2/9/2008
Wealthy people don't pay other people, they have secretaries that handle the $$ for them. :-) cheers, m.

p.s. the aristocrats among them don't even carry credit cards or that banal instrument,— money! (did I pull your leg enough?)
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