|Reviews for Twisted Time: Crymzon's Future|
| EdiToR-FroM-HeLL chapter 2 . 7/22/2008
i enjoyed reading this chapter
| EdiToR-FroM-HeLL chapter 1 . 7/22/2008
| Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 5/2/2008
You did say reviews wanted, good or bad, but I'll do my best to be helpful. This seems like a decent story. It's kinda a shame the review count for it isn't higher (although review count doesn't necessarily equal number of readers. It equals number of non-lazy readers. Which includes me. Go, me.) I'll be writing my review numerically, so every point I make should be in the order that it appears in the chapter. Hopefully that'll make this easier to sort through. Anyways, here's my review:
1)"She loved his messy black hair and nice black eyes to match it." a good, strong description. It gives the reader just enough information about Jeff. It also lets them deduce a few things about him just by looking at him. He has messy hair, for example, which suggests that he's carefree. After that line, however, you go for a slightly less effective description: "He looked so dark and mysterious." The difference here is the difference between show and tell. When you show the reader something, you describe the way a situation looks, tastes, smells, feels, or sounds. You give them enough information that they meet you half way and imagine the rest. And, because they're having to meet you half way, they get really involved in reading your story. Whereas if you just tell them what they should think (which sounds harsh, but I'm pretty sure isn't what you were intending to do) they don't engage nearly as much with the story. This isn't to say that you can't tell them some details, of course. But you paint a much stronger picture of who the characters are (and get the reader much more involved because of it) when you show instead of tell.
2)“Hey, Crym.” I do like her nickname, even if I'm not a huge fan of her full name. It feels kinda, I dunno. Like that Y that replaced the usual I is taking itself too seriously.
3)“Careful, Crymzon, I don’t want to have to molest you.” Um... slightly indelicate. Dialog between characters who are in love, in like, flirting, or romantically entangled has never been easy for me to write. It's kinda finicky, it has to be felt as it's written, and if it comes out wrong the audience picks up on it immediately. This hasn't stopped me from attempting to write romance, of course, and I think I've come up with a few tips on the way. One is to try putting yourself in your character's place and see what you'd say. It doesn't always work, and it doesn't always turn out great lines, but it can make for some fairly realistic dialog. Alternately, you could just have Jeff make some crack about Crym's overprotective dad calling. It'd be better than the slightly creepy (unless I'm completely misreading it) 'molest' remark.
4)"and she awoke to find herself laying in a pile of seared metal from her car." the action sequence itself is a little bit rushed through, but the aftermath is described well.
5)Okay, so, things I liked about this story: the nickname Crym, Salem as Crym's character balance, the chance that there might be a lot more character development going on later in the story, the possibility that the lyrics at the beginning have something to do with the overall plot.
6) Things that I was not so psyched about with this story: the opening song (maybe if you spaced out the lines a little bit, separated them with images of the car driving, it'd feel a little more integrated,) Crymson's latent Sueosity (which could just be a temporary thing, if she develops as a character,) the molesting thing.
7) Overall, I think there's a lot of potential here. The story could go any number of ways, and I suspect that you're good with character development. Keep writing.
| Charmingly Temporary chapter 1 . 5/1/2008
I'm editing them pretty thoroughly...
| mac n'cheez chapter 9 . 5/1/2008
awesome possum! but y don't u have all your other stories on fictionpress yet?
| TheTimeSplitter chapter 7 . 2/3/2008
I'm back. ( Yeah, I know how happy you are about that.)
Like I said before, it's interesting, but it could use some more
detail. Like: What kind of world is it that she's stepped into? It's in the future, but from how it's described, it doesn't sound much different from the present.
Also, The way you describe things could improve, such as variations of words.
Here's an example :
The soldier, knowing better than to disobey, took his hand away from his pierced eye, revealing a waterfall of gore and a sharp throwing knife. He wrenched it painfully from what used to be his eye, a bawl of pain emanating unwillingly from his mouth.
Here's how you could've described it:
The soldier, knowing better then to disobey, took his hand away form his pierced eye revealing a waterfall of gore and a sharp Kunai knife*.(*Throwing knife, But i just like the word kunai better) He wrenched it painfully away, a scream emanating unwillingly from his lips.
See what I mean? It's almost the same, but slightly different.
We are already aware that he is in pain, and can be a little redundant if you state it too many times.
And.. What is the reason behind Salems' malicious and evil behavior? What's her motive? I've read all of the chapters and I can't really seem to recall anything explcitly stating a true motive.
Though I have a feeling it might be heading into the " Jelious sister" category, where Salem was angry (Maybe) About Crymzon's life in some way.
But, This is just what I thought while reading this.
If my reviews make you angry, that was not my intention and you're prefectly welcome to flame/bash whatever I upload here.
I don't have anything yet, but your welcome to review my other account on under the penname Zairos.
I look forward to seeing what you do with this story.
| TheTimeSplitter chapter 1 . 2/3/2008
Hmm.. This is interesting though crymzon is on the verge of being a mary sue. And her sister is the (Sort of) typical geek.
It's a little stereotypish for me. Also, you don't really need to remind us over and over that her eyes are large and hazel.
That would be fine maybe once or twice a chapter.
Not to rip this apart or anything, but is crymzon supposed to this seemingly unlikable? At least to me she is, but that's just my thoughts.
And why would her boyfriend call her father instead of a ambulance? That didn't make sense to me. If he'd called her father AFTER an ambulance, sure that's fine, but what could her dad do for her?
Sorry if this offends you, I really don't mean for it too.