|Reviews for Fire Lake|
| the upward glance chapter 1 . 10/18/2010
You can do no wrong, can you? :)
You never cease to amaze me with your imagination.
Throught the story I could FEEL the urgency and the searing heat. You conveyed the importance of the boy's struggle so well.
You are so wonderfully descriptive!
That's a gift, and a necessary ability when writing fantasy such as this.
I very much enjoyed this. Um, the mythology was a tad confusing? Only really between the Father and the Traitor Father. I wasn't entirely sure of the difference...
But it was all very imaginative and intriguing! :)
Ah! I wish I were half as creative as you! :)
I need to come up with some knew praise...because I'm running out! Hehe
| Jai Akari chapter 1 . 3/13/2010
Hi! It's been a long time hasn't it? I was going through my old Fictionpress stuff, reminiscing, and I reread this and couldn't believe that I hadn't reviewed it yet! So like all else you write: I like. I felt sad at the end when the boy died. I was somewhat hoping that he'd survive, but I like the current ending much better. It obviously gives it a little more something. Anyway, I hope to review your stories again, and can't wait for a new chapter of Celestial Graveyard! I've been missing the gang.
Take care! :)
| fusionbeam chapter 1 . 5/2/2008
it is interesting but a little more of a back story would help
| Undrahas chapter 1 . 2/7/2008
This seems like a majority of my stories I am sorry to say.
I really enjoyed it, and I do hope that you will read my newest poems, which, may, I add proudly are not all that depressing! I quite like them.
OK well, I really did enjoy your story, but for some odd reason the ending made me want to cry, but may I also add proudly I did not.
Yes before you make this a full blown story, please do try to finish your other ones first. I, and all of your other fans would really appericate it.
OK well, I must be on my way. Hope you can find time to read my poems, and anything else of mine in which you have had no time to read.
(long lost friend as I like to think of it.)
| Vermone chapter 1 . 2/4/2008
Cool story. I like the setting and the action is well paced. You're piece is very well written but you do have a few mistakes that tend to crop up, particulary with point of view. The list below is a few of the mistakes you've made. I thought you might appreciate it if you're going to continue it. Feel free to ignore them but here goes:
1. "and sweat ran down his face and got in his eyes," - try "sweat ran down his face and into his eyes," it just sounds better.
2. "nearly throwing him down the ridge again... clearing the edge of the ridge." - You've used ridge twice in two sentences. It needs something different for it to work properly.
3. "The rock was mercifully soft" - I'm not sure that "soft" is a good way to describe rock but hey.
4. "large two-hander swords, and one of them even had a small flail" - I presume you meant two-handed. Also, if they're both carrying two handed swords, how can one have a flail?
5. "The two brutes paid no notice and ran the remaining way. He then lashed out, throwing his dagger around like lightning, making his two attackers take a step back" - This part is awkward because we know you mean the boy lashes out but the way it is written suggests that the thugs are attacking. Maybe try "The two brutes paid no notice and charged in, swords raised high. The boy lashed out with his dagger, his swipes like lightning as he forced the thugs to take a step back."
6. "planting his foot squarely on the youth’s chest... taking the youth..." - maybe change it to "the child's chest" because you've used youth twice. It just adds some variety.
7. "...and fell down old tunnels..." - I think it should be "fell down the old tunnels"
8. "...felt something in his chest crack and an intense pain..." - It just one of those awkward sentences. You could try "felt somehting in his chest crack, an intense pain seering through his body." It doesn't seem quite finished otherwise.
9. "They had tried to climb judging by their bloody hands and feet" - wouldn't it be really hot?
10. “I didn’t—“ - Your quotation mark is the wrong way round - trivial I know but it makes it seem like you're going into different speech.
11. "The thug overbalanced and skidded across the rough gravel of the island. He wasted no time in running as far away..." - I'm guessing you meant the boy ran away but because you've said "he" after talking about the thug, it makes it seem like you are talking about him. Hope that made sense.
12. "He jumped. He took a running start and jumped across..." - Again, the last person you talked about was the thug, so it makes it seem you're talking about him rather than the boy. Maybe give the boy a name, so you don't have to keep calling him "the boy." Whilst you may not use this character again, it makes it more personal and would allow the reader to empathise a bit more.
13. "The thug heaved himself, barely making it over." - Should maybe be "heaved himself across, barely..."
14. "He realised he couldn’t stop and look in amusement..." - There's that "he" again! Also, it should be looked not look.
15. "etherealness" - I was amazed that this is a real word. It sounds clumsy so I would maybe substitute it with "supernatural aura." Up to you on this one though.
16. "clad in his cloak and wielding his scythe... he could feel the love..." - What? The statue looks like death and he can feel the love?
17. The bit where the second thug stabs the boy seems a bit wierd, because I thought the thug was a long way away. You didn't specify that he had caught up.
18. "and saw the drops splatter on the marble inside the star" -Maybe try "and watched as the drops splattered..." It flows better.
19. "Suddenly, light flooded from the statue where the Father’s eyes were under the hood" - try, "Suddenly, light flooded from the Father's eyes." You don't need the frilly bits.
20. "The hands moved to scythe to a striking position before..." - I think there's an error here.
21. There is small mistake where you've written "had had" and you meant "he had." I can't find it now though.
Anyway, cool story and I hope this helps. You should definately extend this.