|Reviews for Mayhem In The Midwest|
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 1/4/2010
There are double entendres all over this piece. "Tip of his tongue," "chrome bones. I also really liked the extended metaphor comparing this hard-ass guy and guns. It's very creative. I get a vibe of a kid who wants to be a lot more than he is, and a lot more than he ever could be.
Really thought-provoking. Great job.
| 123454321 chapter 1 . 3/7/2008
The opening line is weak compared to the rest of the poem. 'He was hard as nails', doesn't make me look forward to a great piece.
In the fifth line, should it not be 'spat bricks'?
Your lists of characteristics are entertaining, but make it rather hard to focus on what the poem is saying.
The first two lines of the second stanza are my favorites, personally.
And finally (though it pains me to admit it) I have no idea what this poem is about. I am vaguely reminded of iron man, but I cannot be sure.
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 3/6/2008
Okay (not review game by the way, this is just me thinking aloud).
Since you're "playing around with stanzas again" I'm going to first concentrate on that because I feel that with some reorganisation you could get a really good flow going on. I hate to do this but I'm going to "re-break" your first stanza as an example:
He was hard as nails
with an anatomically correct reproduction
of the circulatory system built into
the tip of his tongue. He spit bricks,
pissed concrete, had a lisp and
wasn't very good with subtlety.
The kid had intensity in spades
and the chrome bones to back it up with
-used to melt his ribs down
into counterfeit nickels and dimes,
doing what he had to so he could get by.
One thing I try to do in poetry is keep fairly even line lengths unless you're trying something experimental, mucking about with enjambment or having a dramatic monologue.
You had some enjambment in here ('built/into the' and 'He/spit') but I personally don't feel like it really worked to, well, do anything for this.
I really like the last four lines of the second stanza (with the exception of 'with/pavement', I think the 'with' should go on the next line). The first four lines though, I think, should be spread out a little more. Again, how I would do it (just a suggestion):
After he got arrested, got off,
then got off on getting arrested,
he started growing railroad tracks
from his fists like brass knuckles,
looking to prove how he was real trouble,
not the small town meth lab junkie dealer
kind they wrote him him up as.
Idea: 'small-town-meth-lab-junkie-dealer kid', then the hyphenated description acts as more of a compound adjective.
Last stanza is great again, only one exception this time: 'so/when', again I feel 'so' should go on the next line.
So that's it from me about the line breaks and stanzas (which by the way, broke up the poem really well in my opinion).
First stanza - No 'with' on the L6. Ditto for 'down' on L7. Idea for the last line: 'doing what he had to just to get by.' Removes the repetition of 'he'.
Second stanza - Loved. Just be careful of being too prosaic (which is what the enjambment conveyed to me).
Third stanza - Instead of the parentheses, commas would work fine for the parenthetic element of the second line. Also, instead of 'everybody would know it', why not simply 'everybody knew it'?
I really like the images here. It does veer into prosaic territory in places but I think that might be partly because of the presentation and also the story you're telling. It's not a bad thing but just something to be wary of.
And that concludes my ridiculously long review.
Kudos on a cool piece, I look forward to an edit should you choose to do one.
| doctor's diagnosis chapter 1 . 3/5/2008
Oh gosh, this has got such amazing imagery. It's insane.
The flow's a little off, especially in the second stanza. I think it would go better as
"After he got arrested, got off, then got off on getting arrested,
he started growing railroad tracks from his fists like brass knuckles,
looking to prove how he was real trouble, not the small town -
meth lab junkie dealer kind they wrote him him up as."
But that's just my opinion. I really like that stanza, I just didn't like how it was organized.
| iNteRRaK chapter 1 . 3/4/2008
Oh wow! This was cool!
| soThenMegansaid chapter 1 . 2/5/2008
I enjoyed the diction in this poem. You painted a really good picture in my mind of the main character. Your style is amazing. I can't compliment it enough.