|Reviews for Rough Hands|
| kepteinen chapter 1 . 2/21/2009
| effervescent-sentiments chapter 1 . 2/29/2008
All right. You asked for the whole package. I will try my sincere best. (This could be interesting, I warn you.)
"Sunlight. Stars, fresh paint, spring time, blue eyes. A balloon against a cloudy sky."
Be careful using a long line of fragments like this. Not necessarily wrong, but I as a reader was left searching fruitlessly for a verb. :D
I'd say "get-your-heart-racing kisses." Cute phrase, by the way.
"Nights remembered only because someone so graciously remembered a camera."
Used the same word twice. You have a vocabulary. Try... "brought" for the second "remember", or redo the sentence into something even more profound.
"As I lay on the floor of my decaying home, I realized I sincerely hated each and every one of these things."
Tense issue here; try "laid," though even I'm unsure on the lay/laid/lie business. *despises English* Also, "each and every one" is a bit over used . . . could you find a way to say this in an innovative way, maybe? I associate the word "sincerely" with happy things . . . might be a more unhappy term.
"Weak sunlight filtered trough"
Should be "through."
"I lay situated"
Same tense issue here as above.
"I lay situated spread-eagled on the thin carpet, outlined in empty beer cans, stale ships and ramen noodle cups."
I think this is ambiguous pronoun usage... are you or the carpet outlined in beer? Also, I'm pretty sure "ships" should be "chips." ;]
More of the "lay." That's present tense. Laid is past tense.
"The door opened, and closed.
I let my eyes close and hoped maybe she would think I was asleep."
Suggestion: "I heard the door open and close. I shut my eyes, hoping she would think I was asleep." This way, you're not repeating words again. Whatever you think.
There are some careless errors I won't list for lack of space. Periods at the ends of sentences, and that sort of thing. Misspellings. Just a quick lookover should fix that up.
"We ate in silence and left the dishes to blend on the floor."
...blend with or into the floor. Your choice.
"In the dark, without a sound, I told her I loved her."
Does this mean you told her without words? You should make this more clear.
"I borrowed garbage bags from the old lady next door with too many cats and a disapproving eye(She was obviously disappointed by the lack of young men wandering in and out of our place, the old vulture) and set about scraping the filth from our living space."
Not exactly run-on with the parenthesis, but it wouldn't be a bad move to separate this into two ideas. The young men/old lady thing is funny, and funny should not be tucked away. :D Also, don't start the parenthesis with a capital.
"Vaccuum" should be "vacuum." I hate that word. :D
You know what. Just look this over for obvious grammar and spelling errors. I won't mention them unless they're higher level. Okay with you?
"uped" should be "upped." That's a weird one, so I'll mention it.
"Late nights, late mornings, watching her wake slowly in my arms, the first thing she does is smile."
See, here at the end, while you're trying to create a parallel, you add a verb. Either you need to add a single (albeit fragmented) verb in the beginning (in the same place as this), or you need to keep them all one phrase nouns (etc.).
Sincerely works for the last line, since it's a nice ending.
Good work! Next time, try to read over your story before you post it. There's a handy editing spot on fictionpress (which I'm sure you knew, but just in case). I always give my junk another look over for careless errors.
Cheers! Haha. Julia.
| Insomiak chapter 1 . 2/6/2008
AW. I love it. Thank you! The kittens' names were a highlight xD And the first paragraph...