|Reviews for Cairn|
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 2/7/2008
For the first time in more than a year I'm putting a poem on my favorites list. This is phenomenal. Vivid imagery, well structured, poignant topic, you've created one of the better poems I've read on FP.
All that being said I do have a handful of suggestions because basically, that's what I do.
First stanza: I don't get why you state "not in my heart but in my feet" as the not in my heart seems pointless. I think clearing it out would strengthen the image because the "heart" weakens it a touch. Otherwise I love the imagery and the set up.
Second stanza: I wouldn't mind a period after "possesses me" just simply to give the reader a fuller pause to absorb. The last line bugs me a bit because I'm thinking either/or in relation to the double up adjectives. I'd prefer simply "reflective waters".
Third stanza: No need for the comma on the first line. Otherwise, superb.
Fourth stanza: Why not "the" before "malcontent trees"? Solidifies the image a little more. Ditto for the last line, I think "the" might work better than "a". These two suggestions are simply to specify and concrete. I know they seem silly but I just feel it might help.
Fifth stanza: Only one hyphen, not three, on either side of "visceral and pitch". Otherwise it's a very strong climax to a great poem.
As you can see, most of my comments have been nitpicks but I outlined then because I really think this is fantastic and just a shade away from being finished.
Again, kudos on such a great poem.