Reviews for His Queen
Anehalia chapter 26 . 1/13/2011
leila reminds me od deliala from the Alanna books written by Tamora Peirce (I think I remember the name right)
Anehalia chapter 13 . 1/12/2011
"I can still here you!" I shouted

pretty sure you want hear here
Anehalia chapter 12 . 1/12/2011
I was hoping, seeing as you are Australian, that you would know polocrosse, and I am so happy to see it in a story! I love polocrosse, but so few people in America even know what it is! :(
Anehalia chapter 10 . 1/12/2011
A grinned a cruel, sadistic smile. That mofo

I think you meant I not A...
Anehalia chapter 9 . 1/12/2011
her feeble punches on his chest. Eventually

another accidental switch into third person.
Anehalia chapter 6 . 1/12/2011
What is the HSC? (for the American ignorant of Australian tests)
Anehalia chapter 5 . 1/12/2011
I might learn more in later chapters, but at this moment I am very curious over this other guy she likes... and I feel like her character should think about him more.
Anehalia chapter 3 . 1/12/2011
Can you believe what he died at

I think you mean did.

loping canter.

the lope is the the term used by western riders for the canter, so this is kind of a double repeat.
Anehalia chapter 2 . 1/12/2011
He remembered her large blue eyes, and how marvellously innocent they looked. Her silky brown hair fell in waves

if it is in first person, don't switch to third suddenly and back.
Anehalia chapter 1 . 1/12/2011
I hate people calling 15 year old horses old. My 13.3 and a quarter hand pony is 15, and I jump him 3'6", compete 1st level dressage schooling 2nd leval, and I play polocrosse on him. He is in no way "old" and ready to be retired. I competed a 21 year old Arabian without problems. My dad's 17.2 hand thoroughbred did get arthritis at 17, but he has always had issues. (sorry for the diatribe on old horses, but it bothers me when people say that 15 is old and needs to be retired and that I am too big for my pony, it sets me off...)

Otherwise I like this first chapter. As long as I don't see anything of immeidiate issue, I will continue to read through until the end where I will post a review.

I liked the reactions of your character, and the fact that unlike many characters, she doesn't imiediatly fall in love with the guy.

Also, to describe dapple Gray since you were having trouble describing it: A dark gray colored horse with lighter "splotches" of color. The dapples are most commonly found on the butt. Horse coats with dapples often lighten with age until the dapples can no longer be seen. The mane, tail, and points (legs and muzzle also called the nose) are the darkest parts and the last parts to turn "white" colored, though because the skin is still gray and not pink, the horse is still called a gray. Gray horses often start out black and lighten with age until the time they are around 20 and look to be white.
Sharky237 chapter 46 . 12/26/2010
Simply amazing! I was skeptical about this story at first, but you absolutely astounded me with you marvelous story telling! Your characters were great, even if Sera seemed a little Mary-Sue-ish at times. I don't think you ever went in to fully explaining the whole "mate" thing. Who has mates? How do they find their mate? Etc.

Amazing story!

Cheers

~~sharky
Sharky237 chapter 1 . 12/24/2010
M, Wentworth Miller, damn straight!

Cheers

~~sharky
Lorana chapter 46 . 11/30/2010
I really enjoyed this story. I'm assuming you have worked with horses or are knowledgeable on them, just from all the proper terminology. I thought the ending was good, but would have been better if ended with the wedding/coronation. Overall great story.
XtremeAngell chapter 46 . 11/29/2010
Amazing story! I absolutely LOVED it! It's going on my favorit story list!

Leninus you described sounded really beautiful.

You were really great to put your characters to life. They were all unique and full of life.

Thank you for the story I enjoyed VERY much!
The Imagination Addict chapter 47 . 11/24/2010
Hey! I was just thinking of some stuff u could work on in your story His Queen! Well, one thing is following up on details u have sorta let slip. Like the leader of the Opal Contingent. You kept emphasizing how he was acting weird around Sera, but then you never got back to it. You should explain it quickly, like maybe he felt uncomfortable around her cos he actually took an interest in her by the well, but then she’s Aeron’s mate.

Another thing to follow up on is the mate thing. In fantasy stories, it commonly means that that’s the only person or perfect person. But you didn’t confirm this in your story. You left the significance hanging, sort of. You should follow up on the importance of their being mates.

A third thing to follow up on is the horse that Sera carved. She was told by Tiarna, if I remember correctly, that the horse had powerful magic. And she gave it to Aeron. Furthermore, Aeron wore it to battle and you pointed it out. These two together mean that rather than just him wearing it to show his love for her, you should follow up on the magic bit, perhaps by having him be protected by the horse.

One thing I want to applaud you on is your world designing. Very detailed, very consistent. Also, Helios’ death is very realistic. And I’m glad you didn’t shy from adding that in. What is war without death?

P.S. I personally have fallen for Vennios. He’s such a nice guy AND he’s a hot geek!
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