Reviews for Thrall
lirianstar chapter 1 . 3/12/2019
The spider weaves it's web ever so deceptively...was the girl the hapless fly?

It did give a very gothic vibe for sure. I was expecting a gruesome scene of her death...but this was more mysterious as nothing was explained about what he really was - so the 'spider' makes it all the more creepy.
Luna Carn chapter 1 . 5/27/2011
Your descriptions are flawless and your story is mesmerizing.
Xein of Nethling chapter 1 . 4/28/2009
okay, for the... is it 3rd?... time, great job, i luved it! D
Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 7/6/2008
Review Marathon prize!

First of all I wanted to commend you on the premise itself. It's something that has been written about many times before but the brevity and vivid nature of this piece mean that it's not dull or trite.

However, I'm not so sure about two more technical aspects - punctuation and imagery. You seem to use a lot of adjectives or adverbs that clutter up some of the description or overstate your images (i.e. "against the velvety expanse of black above." could easily be "against the velvety black above." and "A lone cricket" doesn't really need the "lone"). I'd recommend keeping some of your descriptions more succinct. Also, in terms of punctuation, you virtually never need a comma before an "and", especially in a list. Also nearly all of your semi colons should be replaced with commas and you never use a semi colon before an "and".

All that said, I did enjoy the romantic feel of this poem and the abrupt nature of the ending. Kudos on that.

Isca chapter 1 . 7/5/2008
An interesting piece, with a suspenseful ending. I liked the imagery, as well. :)
Nicki BluIs chapter 1 . 7/2/2008
Thank you for review Bridezilla! I see what you mean by the introduction of characters but the sibling scene was meant more to develop Kris's character by having him interact with those who know him best. His siblings may or may not appear in the rest of the story.

As for "Thrall", I think it was incredibly well written. It reminded me of the poem "Siren Song" by Margaret Atwood, so the ending didn't surprise me. However the imagery was beautiful and the diction contributed to the phantasmic tone of the story.

One negative thing I can think of (and I bring it up only because you asked for both pro and con) is that I missed the spider imagery when I firs read it. I had to read it again to make sense of the last line. Still a great read.

Thanks again for reviewing my story!
SilverFloutist chapter 1 . 6/28/2008
I really liked this, it was amazing. The description was so detailed and I could completely imagine this in my head, it was short, but very very good. It was just...captivating, as I read it, I was just hanging on to every word. And the last three sentences were a perfect ending, I could FEEL the suddeness, and just imagine her eyes flying open and seeing the "spider" seconds before her death.

This was a bit confusing though, I didn't understand where a spider came from. Then I re-read it and I realized that the man weaved a web of words that trapped her and so he was a metaphorical spider.

I didn't get that he was a vampire though, you couldn't understand that from the story, though to me it doesn't really matter WHAT he is, just the fact that he has enthralled her and then at the right moment, attacked her. I also love how he gave her a chance to escape after his first story, but the illusion of happy endings and fantasy was so real to her, that she didn't escape when she had the chance.
a silenced revolution chapter 1 . 6/25/2008
The word choice throughout this is lovely. I like the description of her sense of happiness juxtaposed to the forboding overall tones of this piece.

The only thing I didn't like was the ending. I can't tell if the spider is a metaphor, or a literal spider that came out of nowhere, or if I should come away thinking that he killed her.

Other than the final vagueness, I think this is nicely done.
Zonne chapter 1 . 6/24/2008
Very interesting, certainly different than your other works.


I liked so much about this, the vocabularly was all very poetic, it flowed smoothly and was almost in itself mesmerizing. The lack of information compelled me to read on, wondering what was going on.

It was, however, confusing. I kept waiting for some sort of explanation, and though you offered a little, the creatures of the night, it felt to ... vague. I think it needs more of a sense of who he is and what happens.

Overall, excellent little one-shot.

Daiysis chapter 1 . 6/9/2008
Oh this is so well-written! It was sad yet, as you said so eloquently, enthralling. Well done
HarukaHitoriki chapter 1 . 6/3/2008
Very well written, the word transition was well done.
Eet chapter 1 . 5/25/2008
This was gorgeously written, particularly at the beginning in the descriptions of his voice and his stories. The last two sentences were well done also, because of their suddenness (if that makes sense.) The reader can picturing it happening like that, lightning fast.

I can't find anything aboutt his story that I don't like, except maybe for the lack of character development. However, it's a short story, and it's not even really relevant, so it's okay.
lymli chapter 1 . 5/20/2008
I like the idea of this a lot, it scares but interesting too, I really like the stuff with fantasy and reality, this has caught me..
Tawny Owl chapter 1 . 5/18/2008
I honestly didn't get that the creature was a vampire - although it does make more sense now. I seemed to feel that it was more general, because of the power he had with words, and that it was those he used to trap her.

I did like this, it seemed a bit like a fairy tale. I think because of the description that you used and the fact that when the first story finishes it seems like she has a chance to escape and chooses not to.

The way you wrote this is very poetic, which I don't usually like because sometimes it can go on to much, I think in this context it worked though. You balanced it well with dialog as well, which helped to break it up. Ok, I rambling now. Enjoyed it, thank you.
Distilledfx chapter 1 . 3/22/2008
Wow, I usually hate vampire stories, but I didn't even know until the end. Your descriptions seemed more like her mind wandering, drawing me in. One of the few times I've read something and I don't know what you mean at all, but at the same time I know exactly what you mean.

The twist at the end was foreshadowed, but didn't have the impact I thought it would. I knew that she was just completely absorbed and had missed her chance to escape, but I had trouble knowing if she was imagining her drawing her in or he really grabbing her and holding her close. Maybe a description of the sensation of his arms around her would have made this a little clearer.

I really like the your poetic writing, some of the lines resemble lyrics more than anything.
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