Reviews for Lady
The Weatherwitch chapter 3 . 10/7/2011
HA!

loved that last chapter xD
A.Woody chapter 3 . 11/25/2009
Loved the dogs, I do have a question, Anabella and Charles's children are both girls, who will pass one th Dielle name?
Tawny Owl chapter 3 . 5/19/2009
There was a lot of history in one go, but it was interesting to hear more about the politics behind the Opal Fox.

“Pests, structural, is this a tax evaluation?” – Ha, that made me laugh. Very smooth. You do spell Lieutenant wrong a couple of times though.

Respect to Anabella as well. I’ve always thought of her as clever and crafty before, but never imagined she’d lose her temper like that. Very formidable.
Tawny Owl chapter 2 . 5/18/2009
Thanks for replying.

Urm, I’ve been stewing. The baby isn’t Kingsley, is it?

I liked the image of the windows in the house looking down as though they were passing judgement. It made the atmosphere very foreboding. The description of the house and the way it’s similar to the Dielle family was a very strong one as well. And the wheel, that was fantastic, it enforced the idea that the set up was more of a working machine than a family.

I'm enjoying this, may have to finish it before I go on to Chapter 12.
Tawny Owl chapter 1 . 5/17/2009
I got impatient waiting for more from Aura so seeing as I really think I owe you some reviews I thought I’d check out her ancestors…

Seashell drive; that’s different and really adds to the scene of a big house by the sea.

Would have liked some exact dates, but that’s mostly because I’m nosey –try and figure it out. I did check that Charles and Anabella are Aura and Marie’s parents though.

I enjoyed the Baron’s confidence in his position. It seemed indestructible but never quiet made it to arrogance. It made him an easy character to like.

I really enjoy the unconventional set up that you have going on here. It’s intriguing and a little bit unpleasant. Good reading though.
Harmonic Discord chapter 3 . 6/15/2008
Straight from the review marathon (link in profile)!

I love the humor of this chapter/epilogue/thingy - the bit with the guard dogs was hilarious! Lady Annabelle is such an awesome character - now I know who Aurelie gets it from _ I also like how you give us some of the background about the politics in the kingdom, which I'd been wondering about.

One thing... I didn't really feel like this was an epilogue per se - I mean... I guess we see that Annabella and Dielle get along now, but this seemed almost like it should be a separate story. Just a thought.

Minor points -

"Mary took the volume eagerly, ready to read all the deepest secrets of the genocide that had been going on for a generation" - I think you meant "Annabella" instead of "Mary"

“How-how did you get such highly valued er dogs?” the Lieutenant asked as a pair of gleaming black eyes watched his every movement. - I think the "er" should be set apart by dashes or something.
Esther Jade chapter 2 . 4/27/2008
I realised when I read your other story that I had never finished this one. So here I am...

The writing style in this story is quite easy to read. Nothing in this chapter is dull or difficult.

Anabella is a likeable character. I particularly liked the way you showed her connection to her child. It struck me as both realistic and bittersweet.

The last two paragraphs in this chapter seem to show that this is the end of this particular story. I don't know whether, with this in mind, you might want to change some of the dinner conversation. If it's the only one we're going to see, then it feels inane. There'd been nothing wrong with it in a longer story but it feels like if this is a short story, it should be more significant - I feel like most of this story is squashed into the last two paragraphs with very little of it having even been signaled before.

Minor points:

Her oldest brother and sister-in-law - It might just be me but I think saying "eldest" would be more correct.
thefilmchick chapter 2 . 3/30/2008
You still have the occasional missing comma, but this also is well-written. I didn't get the same surprising element that I got in the previous chapter, but that doesn't mean this was less weighty. Once more, your descriptions are good without being overwritten, and I like the characters you've drawn. Some other minor quibbles here:

Thoughts should be italicized, not in single quotes.

I don't care who sits where at the dinner; I'd strike that part.

The only thing that really jars is the 'She and Charles weren't terribly compatible...' paragraph. You have already portrayed their characters enough that this tends to feel a little unneeded, especially at the end of the paragraph.

Still, all in all, it's another chapter written with decent strength, so you're off to a good start!
thefilmchick chapter 1 . 3/30/2008
Generally nicely written; nothing's overdescribed or talky, and it's paced pretty nicely.

There's a good switch to making Dielle a bastard in the last few words; I like the punch to that and it was unexpected in the swords-and-pretty-words stuff that came before it, so well done for surprising me. I'll have more thoughts on the plot in chapter two.

One issue that struck me was:

Name choices:

Dielle French

Margate; Feningale English

Donghai Chinese (?)

Kahechka Slavic-sounding

If you're aiming for a multicultural society, you've got it. If you're not, then I would watch the names.

Quibbles:

"Thank you, sir," "Well, that is understandable," "Come, my boy, and sit so we can talk", "Beishuay? Come, boy" - punctuation. Watch your commas.

"nearly perfectly still" - contradictory
PhaithMcCoy chapter 2 . 3/17/2008
Okay. Here's my free review, because a: I sorta didn't do so good with the last one, and b: I wanted to.

This story is simply fantastic.

Your characters are so well-developed. I enjoy reading both points of view, and I like how each has their own individual voice.

The plot, which I am only slightly confused with, is remarkable. Truly an original piece of work. How you managed to handle Anabella's pregnancy actually made me go "whoa."

How the world is described is simply beautiful.

There is only one thing that irked me about this story: there really is no description of the war that is supposed to be happening. Maybe in the next chapter you can go into depth on that.

Hoping that this review meets the requirements,

-Phaith
Imalefty chapter 1 . 3/16/2008
i owe you a review. so here goes. :)

agh, the whole dielle as a last name. sorry, i'm still getting over that. XD

i think you can probably take out "(and he was no small man)" since we infer that from the part of the sentence before.

great dialogue so far... there isn't much to say. :\ i'm afraid my review might not be that "in depth" since there's nothing to call you out on... XD

hmm... one of the few confusing things about this story is the number of place/family names. i'm not that familiar with this world, so the place/family names are lost on me. you generally do a good job with explaining them, but i think you might need a bit more narration... since the characters themselves wouldn't comment that much on places that are familiar to them (if you know what i mean?).

"It was said that the dark lord of the dead..." - hahahaha, this was a great line. :)

great description of anabella - gives an image and a sense of her character.

whoa, she's pregnant? wait... does this relate to your other story by any chance? _ i remember something about a pregnant woman and a child... (by the footman or something like that)

"We both love people we will never see again, and we both need this to survive." - aw... it's kind of a melancholy line... ;_;

ah, right, okay. so now i think that this story is related to your other one... since being a butler would be higher than the father... _

hm what a weird way to end the chapter. but it's really nice... it leaves the story with plenty of potential. (you continue it in the second chapter, perhaps?) anyway. good job as usual. :)

-Lefty
Esther Jade chapter 1 . 3/16/2008
Review game!

Quite an engrossing chapter. I got so involved, it was difficult to slow down enough to make some comments on individual sentences. Overall then, I would say it had a very enjoyable feel and a good hook.

While certain aspects of the plot feel "used", the way you've pieced them together doesn't. Certainly, it feels like the plot and setting has been carefully thought out and what you've put in this chapter gives plenty to draw the reader in.

I like the dialogue. You communicate the individuality of your characters very well in the dialogue, keeping them nicely distinct.

As a corollary of the good dialogue, I think the characterisation is good. All three characters that you've introduced seem distinct and well-developed. For just a first chapter, I thought it was very well done.

And, finally, I loved the ending. What a lovely, poignant note to end the chapter on.

Minor issues:

eyes sliding over the dark reddish-brown structure before them. - I'm not mad about "structure" as a word choice.

cast flickering warmth into the room - I can see how light can flicker but not warmth.

With a hand still on his shoulder the Baron steered him - I think there should be a comma between "shoulder" and "the".

The rest of the family are all nonmagical too, it’s a shame to rip them from their homes as well. - That comma should be a full stop.

After the last chart was rolled away Dielle leaned back in his chair - I think there should be a comma between "away" and "Dielle".

The young lord cast him an inquisitive look - I'm not sure about "inquisitive" as a word choice; it feels too childish. I would recommend going with "curious"; but that's just me.

When he did it was the last thing - I think there should be a comma between "did" and "it".

but I can’t truly blame them, we’re marked. - I think that comma should be a full stop.

She had her father’s green eyes and dark auburn hair his sister referred to - I think this would read better if there was a "the" before "dark".

but the darkness and the quiet was ten times more so. - Lovely turn of phrase.

In a chair by the window the lady was sitting - I think there should be a comma between "window" and "the".

Now she looked cold despite the heat, the bags beneath her eyes spoke of sleepless nights and her expression, it was that of a convict resigned to her fate. - I like this description.

At least she has some sense, if poor judgment. - I like this turn of phrase.
KnittingKneedle chapter 1 . 3/14/2008
The start was good- I liked the way you introduced the characters through the speech but the beginning wasn’t that grabbing. Lol, I grew up ten minutes away from Margate so I find it faintly hilarious that your fantasy world is set in Kent of all places. Until you got onto the fabulous descriptions that was nothing like the Kent I grew up in.

There was a definite palpable conflict within the piece, within the outside of the plot and also found in the characters that gave them a sense of depth.

The plot seems quite interesting, the whole marriage thing doesn't appeak- but I thought that you managed to put an interesting spin on this!

The settings were great, sometimes it came across as a little gratuitous- especially in the beginning where I was just desperate for the story to start.

Uck…I didn’t much like your names, like Kahechk and Maureitan…they don’t seem to have the same theme…and are a bit of a nightmare to pronounce….as was pointed out, you’ve grasped these wonderful character subtleties and pretty much mastered showing and not telling in terms of character development.

In terms of the conversation…I’m never sure how to approach it in fantasy, you created the world and the pattern of speech, so whether or not the characters are speaking in a ‘Lordy’ manner is up to you…though why people use old English will always be a mystery to me. I’ve got very little against colliqualisms, even in fantasy- in fact I think it looks less pretentious (but I digress)

‘the warm drops began’

I didn’t like that as a description for tears…I think in the last line you could have had more of an impact and more fun with the descriptions
PhaithMcCoy chapter 1 . 3/12/2008
Wow. This is very good so far. I enjoy the originality of the names and the situations. I noticed that there was a lack of commas in certain places, hardly noticeable to anyone but a Grammar Nazi such as myself. I can't wait for this to be updated.
Kinderwhore chapter 1 . 3/5/2008
I really liked the plot and pacing of this one-shot; not too simple, but not too complex for a story of its length. It also seemed pretty realistic too, which I honestly didn't expect in a fantasy story.

The dialogue seemed very natural, although there were a couple of times in the beginning where I thought the language didn't seem "noble" or "lordly" enough for men of their station. (I think the word I'm actually looking for is "formal".) Dunno why, but that's just me.

The characterization was on the whole very good, but I did feel that some more detail would be welcome; then again, I'm guessing that this is simply one in a series of one-shots, and the others probably explain everything I want to know. (Is this a deliberate snare to make people read more of your work? .)

I thought that the spelling, grammar, and overall writing was very well done; however, I did catch some typos:

"carved with (the) lord’s ancestors in stone effigy"

"would fall into (the) dinning hall above them" -I think you mean "dining"? (I caught "dinning" somewhere else as well, but I can't remember where.)

Anyway - nice work!
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