Reviews for Heat
Spooky chapter 4 . 6/15/2008
I've read the first four chapters you have here so far, & they're all awesome _
Luvey Monette chapter 4 . 3/6/2008
I absolutely love the cute humour in this story. Both of their personalities just work so well together. Great job.
The Egg chapter 4 . 3/1/2008
"A/N: she had no name, i did not know, i am sorry...what a villan i am..."

First of all, capitalize your 'i's and put one in 'villain', second of all, WHAT?

You mean that it was unintentional to have a main character without a name? Are you kidding me? It added so much to the story to just have Coral be anonymous, just a nameless young girl that could be anyone, but no...and you didn't even know that she'd gone that long without a name of her own!

"...me very little good, he is OCD and has to walk in patters on tile floors..." should actually be,

"...me very little (has) OCD and (must)/has to walk in patter(n)s on tile floors".

'Fairytopai' needs the final 'a' and final 'i' switched.

Oh, they aren't teenagers! Or at least Adam isn't. That was a surprise. Not only did Coral sound male, but she also sounded like a teenager, so I figured Adam was too...wow, this story is more confusing than I thought. I wonder how you'll sort it out?

Hm, it's late and I'm tired, I'll be looking forward to a shinier, possibly longer(?) chapter to Heat soon. I didn't really enjoy this one, but I really think that chapter 5 will pick up the slack.

5/10
The Egg chapter 3 . 3/1/2008
I actually had no idea that the narrator was female until you PM'ed me. Until I read your message, I'd read this whole thing assuming both were male...damn, that's a bummer. The narrator sounded so masculine, too! I'll admit that I'm impressed that you fooled me. I'll try not to let the heterosexuality effect my judgement of chapters 3 and 4.

Anyway, 3 sort of makes me think that writing short chapters suits your style more. It lets the clever stuff sink in easier, and the plot is more obvious to see. It's also more obvious to see when you've deviated from present tense:

"It WAS Sunday and we WERE dressed in Sunday attire, bare footed and tank tops. We are not churchgoers..."

It's a common mistake all writers have made, including myself. Also, there's this:

"I suck the poisons(?) air into my lungs..."

Do you mean 'poisonous'?

And I know that the goal of most writers here (on ) is to get some R&R, that is, Readers and Reviews, but sacrificing paragraphs is a bad idea for people who are into the story and want a little more substance that you seem to be afraid to supply...it sort of feels like you have a big case of brand new designer markers, but you're drawing on cardboard you recovered from some recycling bin...

...I really hope you don't take that the wrong way, but you see what I mean. Something else that's a little confusing on the story; the plotline. I'm beginning to see why I thought it was influenced by something; there's a lot of typical behavior and thought in this, and maybe the really smart, clever material that you have in here is due to the fact that typical teenage behavior isn't that hard to write. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bored while I'm reading. I'm just surprised that I'm not. Hm, yet another surprise that I've gotten from 'Heat'. That, or it's just late.

You could go through and change all the 'do not's and 'it is's to 'don'ts and 'it'ss, but that could just be a detail that annoys only a few readers, and maybe the effort it would take to correct them would be misspent, but it's not my place to say, so what am I talking about. Several of the phrases in this chapter could also be combined and made into paragraphs.

6/10
CaveDwellers chapter 4 . 3/1/2008
I think that you can better convey that Adam's an innocent by having the MC mention it, even fleetingly. Maybe even affectionately. That, and continue doing what you're doing. This chapter does a lot to convey how innocent he still is by his behavior.

I laughed when he crawled into the cart through the back, and his behavior with the apples and holding on to the MC as if he might get lost if she's not there. It was all very cute. He's actually got a very cute, little kid-ish personality in general. And the MC's utter lack of a reaction is also very comical, though by now she must be used to it.

I'm rather looking forward to meeting some of the other characters and reading about their interaction with these two. It should be good.

Edits:

"...I have come out victories."

Did you mean victorious?

'Til next,

CD 1.0
CaveDwellers chapter 3 . 3/1/2008
Hey, having a real-life inspiration is fine. It often helps with the realism of a piece, because you've been there, you know what it's like, and that makes writing it a whole hellavuh lot easier.

This chapter actually doesn't have much to comment on, other than to commend you for adding the little details like the MC's cracking ankles and quirks like eating the pickles separate. It's those quirks and imperfections that makes the characters real. The weed's a bit of a moot point, though I thought that the hint of enjoyment that the MC feels when she sees that taking the hit still hurts Adam was a tad on the sadistic side. Unless she's just referring to his expression, but even then...

Now I'm just going in circles. Sorry 'bout that. ''

'Til next,

CD 1.0
The Egg chapter 2 . 3/1/2008
"...I force my body into the fabric and (peel) myself...". You used the word 'peal', which means a sort of sharp sound, instead of 'peel, "Careful not to touch him in any way(,) I...", you forgot a comma, "With no working internal clock(,) I was...", forgot another comma, and etc.

This chapter was short, like chapter 1, but instead of being short like it was cut in half, chapter 2 was short like it was supposed to be short. In other words, an appropriate short.

Though in its shortness, chapter 2 manages to be as visual as chapter 1, making it very easy for the reader to imagine things as they are taking place. The story's imagery and narration really makes me suspect it of being heavily influenced by a movie, or a novel, or even a song...it just doesn't feel as original as it could. Maybe that's because some of the lines were too close to being cliche, such as: "My stomach is too full of him to be hungry..." and "...my love for him is strange indeed" (even if I sort of liked that one). Use your imagination to come up with things no one has heard before; that's what great authors do, even if you have no ambition to be "great", or even an author.

I liked the cute little quip at the end, as well.

This was a good chapter, but not as grabbing as the first, if you catch my drift. (That's the danger of starting a story off "with a bang"; I can never get enough of the bang, ha ha ha). In fact, chapter 2 left me sort of disappointed.

6/10
The Egg chapter 1 . 3/1/2008
W.o.w...

I should have been more prepared for how hot this was, seeing as the title of the story is "Heat" and all, but it took me off guard, which was a nice surprise...though I have to say, there's little saving 'Heat' from being X-rated, with your very risque, descriptive use of words. Such as: "He moans more in agony th(a)n anything else," and "...finally his body shudders and he moans quiet and low", both of which are quite racy and naked (practically uncensored) phrases.

Hm, you also need to comb this chapter for all the 'then's that you used incorrectly, such as in the former of the two phrases I picked above. It's better grammar to use 'than' when comparing something, and 'then' when talking about time (THEN he did this, THEN he did that...etc.).

I know you didn't explicitly ask for any critiquing on your characters, but I've gotta say, a lot is revealed about them in this chapter. It reminded me how the actions and movements of people can be more revealing of them than what they say or think...though I don't think you intended to convey that in your writing.

So yeah, overall, this chapter was very good (aside from incorrect 'then's and 'than's), but short. I almost felt like you only put half of the real chapter 1 up. Also...this sounds so weird...chapter 1 needs a makeover. Group some of the lines together to make paragraphs, use a horizontal line or something at the top for decoration, ANYTHING to make this chapter feel less like racy, "thrown-together-plotline-sex" and more like...er, "pretty-prosealicious-lovemaking-in-hot-sun". Or something like that, I'm sure you understand.

Great tactic to get the reader interested ;), just remember to throw in commas when you need them ("We took a break from our homework four hours ago(,) and had...") and to use the right words ("such pressure to perform in such heat is too much (for) his...". You could also take away the 'such' in front of 'heat' and put in 'this', way sexier), and this chapter will be effortless to read.

6.5/10
CaveDwellers chapter 2 . 3/1/2008
In response to your review response, you're welcome. Reviewing is one of my specialties. And no, I don't think that mentioning age or sex earlier on is something you should do. It adds to the rather unique allure of the story.

Besides, mentioning of the classes make me think that their either in high school or college. It's sort of fun to piece together things about their identities as I go along. And really, it's about the character's personalities, not how old they are or what sex they are.

The MC's relationship with Adam still seems a little one-sided and overly-nonchalant, as if s/he's stringing him along just for the heck-hell-of it, and there's really nothing but physical attraction keeping them together. I can't bring myself to think that the MC really loves Adam. It's a rather odd emotion.

Edits:

"“Pizza or sandwiches.” He moans, head in my belly, echoing along my innards."

At first I thought this was a typo, but then I read the next paragraph and realized that it was just a very interesting... analogy? Is that it? The word escapes me. Definitely not the way I would have put it, but it goes well with the piece.

'Til next,

CD 1.0
CaveDwellers chapter 1 . 3/1/2008
Hullo. Responding to the beta request.

Um... I'm sort of at a loss as to what to say. The actions of the characters don't bother me, no, but it's certainly an... interesting first chapter. Not precisely a bad thing, but it is very intense, and it's a bit of a shocker, because most stories have something to ease you into them. Even the scenes that actually occur later on in the story first chapters (I hope you understand what I'm talking about) don't have this sort of slap-in-the-face sort of approach. Raw, in a way.

I couldn't tell you where I thought this story was going or what the MC's (main character's) relationship with Adam really is. I don't even know if it's a man or a woman, to be frank. I hesitate to say that I think them as an actual item. To be honest, the thing that comes to mind is pedophilia, though I couldn't say from this first chapter if I think it's true or not. The way you describe him makes me think he's something like 12 or 14, but that's just first impressions.

The main character seems a bit distant. Detached, if you will. As if s/he doesn't really care about what s/he's doing. And, as something that is written in first person, it is oddly barren of specific thoughts. Sure, there are thoughts, but they lack detail. I hesitate to say conviction, but it's something to that effect.

For example, you have it in the 5th paragraph that the MC shivers against Adam's body heat. My question is, shivers from what? Is it good? Bad? Are you purposely leaving this unexplained?

Admittedly, the ambiguity of their actions is a bit confusing, but unless this is just something to draw the reader in on first chapter it's something that I can become used to in time.

Edits:

"“There’s no hope.” I moan to the blinding sun."

If memory serves, then it is not technically correct for there to be a period separating the dialog from the Moaning To the Blinding Sun part.

"I take Adam onto my suffering tongue and taste him, his particular flavor is that of hot plastic."

I am personally of the opinion that when you start describing what he tastes like you should make it a new sentence. It would increase the impact of the statement.

"...Adams pants."

Missing an apostrophe here.

"...such pressure to perform in such heat is too much from his young body"

From or for?

Hopefully this is a decent beta-review for the first chapter. I'll check the others out, as well.

'Til next,

CD 1.0
anxiouslyD chapter 4 . 2/29/2008
hehehe This one was quite funny. I enjoyed reading it. :0)
Luvey Monette chapter 3 . 2/24/2008
Cute chapter. Keep it up, I really like this story.
anxiouslyD chapter 3 . 2/23/2008
You make the word villain sound so sexy... :0D I liked this chapter but I think I liked the previous two better. Not sure why. I noticed some typos in this one: 'poisons air', for example. And some of the sentences seemed to be put together by commas when they read like they should be separate. For example: 'I pull the cold Yahoo closer to my chest, it's not much to hide behind' The comma should turn into a period or something, but that's just my thought.

Can't wait for more, of course.
anxiouslyD chapter 2 . 2/19/2008
'a boy kitten begging for food' ...Arg, must.. keep.. this review.. G rated... !

Damn, though. These chapters are short but sweet and I love that. Not everyone can do something like that but you've accomplished it pretty well. They're sort of a tease though because everything is so brief and details are left out, but in some ways that is what appeals me to this story.

More, please? :03
Luvey Monette chapter 2 . 2/18/2008
This is really cute actually. I like how this is written. Excellent, hope theres another chapter. I'm curious to know if they ever make it to get food hehe.
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