Reviews for Intrigue At The Crowned Jewel
A Scarred Soul chapter 6 . 3/7/2008
Wow - that was such a sad ending. I think I've fallen in love with Lime Jade, I'd love to know more about him and see him happy. And little Sarrin intrigues me greatly.

Hmm, honestly, I can't remember stories where the main character has likeable negative traits too well, but that's because I generally just take characters as they are. Very rarely do I analyze them and their actions, unless it's for English. hehe But, I guess a great manga would fit in here, called Wallflower, where the main girl is extremely anti social and horror obsessed and very let-go-of because a boy she liked told her she was ugly. The others would fit in there as well. Also, I think some manga characters from a series called Ouran High School Host Club would fit as well, though they aren't extremely negative.

Anyway, I'll stop boring you. What I would consisder negative characteristics would be greed, or lust, and different mental disorders like schizophernia or paranoia. As you can tell, I don't really know what to say, because I just take the characters as they are - good and bad - and consider them like normal humans. Sorry I'm not much help! Please forgive me and I hope you get what you want from others!
gummybaby chapter 6 . 3/6/2008
Great chapter, even if it did leave me a bit confused, namely the hallusination and Jade's behavior. I trust you to clear things up eventually though.

As for you question, in my opinion, the more unlikeable traits a character has, the more real they are. Perfect charaters tend to fall flat. Nobody's perfect, it's the imperfections that produce empathy from the reader. I can't think of any FP stories right now, but the brilliant sci-fi novel 'Cagebird' by Karin Lowachee is a perfect example. If you get a chance, do read it. Her main character is a ruthless, murdering prostitute. Yet, by showing us why and how he is the way he is, she gains our empathy toward this broken hero.

I think you could give Sebastian any unlikable trait you feel is needed, as long as you back it up with a reason. Is he vain because of something in his childhood? Maybe he was teased or something. You could even have him commit murder, if you could show what tragic events led to him being able to commit murder. And trust me, it's always tragic. Unless they're a psychopath, which Sebastian isn't...hopefully...
abbybyrd chapter 5 . 3/6/2008
Oh! This story intrigues me! :)

I love it so far! I was a little confused at first with the different personalities thing but now I'm hooked! Please update soon!
Qui chapter 5 . 3/3/2008
Usually names with meanings aren't the actual word or phrase that they mean. We don't talk about 'Sebastion old men' now do we?

Or the names are in a different language or older version of the language, which probably wouldn't be in Viper's semi-limited selection of languages.

And, if that's not me working it out enough, then there's usually a different inflection on names than there is on words. Working at places with nicknames, you can rather tell when someone is asking for a cup, verses calling for the person named cup.

His language ability must just be cool enough to tell the difference ;)

Also, this chapter(s) was not so bad. Perhaps it didn't advance the plot, but I feel like I have a better grasp of characters and setting and the Mystery that you're setting up. And sometimes you just need chapters that don't advance the plot, and so long as that's not EVERY chapter, it's not a bad thing.

I shall read your stories until you are old and sebastian,

A Scarred Soul chapter 5 . 3/3/2008
Oh wow, you update so quickly I do not get time to read and review before the next one is out. Of course, I was busy this weekend-Japanese bands in concert!-hehehe! Anyway, I love this story. The culture is really coming along - I can easily picture the place from the different elements you have pulled in. And the characters are wonderful, they are insanely real for such a story. I often find such horribly underdeveloped characters in stories with so many characters but not so in this one. It's very refreshing and I can't wait to read more!
gummybaby chapter 3 . 3/2/2008
I don't often give out 'constructive' reviews, mostly since I find it slightly hypocritical since my stories are a technical mess. lol. But since you asked so nicely...

The good points first. Your main character is a marvel. In the first chapter he seemed rather stereotypically the dark handsome seducter. Then, in the second chapter as Sebastian, I realized just what a complex character you had. Vulnerable, uncertain, yet proud. He really is the prize of the story.

The fact that noticed the plot hole, which truthfully I hadn't noticed, and fixed it is commendable. Your writing is a pleasure to read, since it's not overly florid nor elementarily simple.

I could keep on praising you because this story is just that good, but I'm sure everyone else has already informed you of that.

I did find some thing maybe you should look at. In the first chapter you refer to the main character as Black Viper, then in the second you start out calling him Sebastian. I quickly realized they were one and the same, but I was left floundering for a little while. It sounded like the main character, but he was answering to another name? Was this a pov change? You later clear it up, but maybe doing it sooner my be better.

That's about it. I can't wait to read the next chapter, so I can leave you another obnoxiously long review!
Qui chapter 3 . 2/29/2008
Wow! a leap day AND a bonus chapter day! If only there was a fuzzy rodent involved, the day would be perfect.

That was a very clever way to cover your plothole, by the way. Although I hadn't actually noticed the language problems. I guess that's what I get for reading lots of terribly written things; I start forgetting that the good authors (which you so totally are) don't leave holes.

I'd like to say some nicely constructive things, but you seem to have a handle on everything I could possibly comment on, so I'll wish you more quality reviews (anything is better than 'update').

And then I'll mention that I rather enjoyed Viper randomly breaking out the poetry-a haiku, yes? It was both fitting and amusing.

Keep up the good work,

A Scarred Soul chapter 2 . 2/28/2008
It may have taken me a while to get the time to read this, but I'm so glad I did! This story is developing wonderfully! I think I adore Sebastian, he's so sweet. And Adrian, who I can only guess is the Prince, is so cute! You've cleadred up a lot of the questions I had left over too, though there are just new ones about how the story will continue to fill up the space! lol I can't wait for more!
Mela chapter 2 . 2/28/2008
I'm really intrigued by this story, I enjoyed reading it. I'm not sure that I can provide any help on the three topics that you mentioned at the end of the first chapter, but your concepts for the workers name is an interesting one.
Qui chapter 2 . 2/26/2008
Wow, that was really interesting. I'm curious about where it's going, of course.

As to your questions; you've introduced your characters beautifully (assuming that's all of them), and manage well to keep them distinct.

I can't say anything much about your cultural attempts, I'm afraid.

But I can say that you've done a wonderful job of keeping me guessing. I've got my theories about where it's going, but I'm sure that getting there (or where ever the story ends up) will keep me guessing right until we arrive.

Keep up the lovely writing,

Esquirella chapter 2 . 2/26/2008
Very nice characters!
A Scarred Soul chapter 1 . 2/18/2008
Hm, this is a really good story so far. As for your goals, I think you did well. I could easily follow which characters you were talking about when you used their names and they were very interesting. I think you might have to reinforce some of characters and their roles concerning who is Mother, the Crown Prince, his father and those people who weren't extensively covered, however, they weren't extremely hard to follow. Also, the setting is amazing - all of you detail makes it easy to picture and it sounds very posh. hehe It was great in the whole ancient aspect! And it was suspenseful, and I totally didn't see most of what went on coming when it came to his interactions with the soldiers and the serving boy. I'd say great job all around concerning meeting your goals! I'd love to read more!
Autumn Reflections chapter 1 . 2/18/2008
I know ancient Rome? lol.

Good start, looking forward to more. I think for introducing characters that quick you have to make sure that they are memorable to the reader and have a quick impression of their personality. I am not sure how to do it so I am not much use to you :(

Anyway, good start!

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