Reviews for Intrigue At The Crowned Jewel
nutbuster chapter 6 . 7/5/2012
Hm, I don't see Sebastian as a vain character? Maybe vain as in very susceptible to flattery and.. okay, finding clothing that would enhance his appearance.

It's been a long, long, long time since I've read a long chaptered story on fictionpress. Maybe when Queen of Glass was still posted, I think I really disliked Celaena Sardothien for some reason. I was only 13 at the time, but I think I found her to be too selfish. Even though I can only remember her sleeping with two men (I wanted her to be with someone else ha ha).. I don't know. But still, it was her flaws that made her extremely realistic. She wasn't a goody two-shoes. She was human. A relatable person.

I might have to check out the authors Kouri and Karasu.


Now, I was really amazed at the way you handled the "stolen magic," the mother, the child-everything. I didn't realize it was insinuated the dragon-child slept with the department heads..! (and then it was blatantly stated, so that cleared it up hah.) Plus.. The vision Sebastian had.. I wonder who those voices were.

Oh! I am also confused about the physical appearance of Sarrin. I suppose I'll just have to reread it a few times. (And her uncle's description as well.)

and to conclude, this is what I understood while reading the last segment of this chapter: ? ? ? ?
nutbuster chapter 5 . 7/5/2012
Even though not much happened here, I want you to know that I was smiling during their exchange. Loved this: "maybe the artist didn't know what they were doing and hoped no one would ever look and notice." Maybe that is the crest, hm? Maybe this is the king's son? Quite possibly... not? Haha :)
Guest chapter 4 . 7/5/2012
I am apprehensive about chaos-betrayal breaking loose.

Things seem fine. Lime Jade.. I'm still a bit confused about his station. I thought he was similar to a butler, but just escorts the clients from rooms/building to their carriage. Then in the previous chapter, I didn't quite understand his mentioning in the conversation with Grace. (...although you've made be a fan of that woman and her husband, haha. :))

Brown Fawn appeared out of the blue.. maybe if she had prior appearance(s) then it wouldn't seem so strange. (or maybe I just like her. quite interesting about her voice description!) It seems like she'll be a flat character (hope that's the correct term) never to be given another shot at (of?) conversation again, lol.
Blissful Winter chapter 30 . 6/28/2012
When I first clicked on this story last night, I was not expecting to be absolutely sucked into the world you created. I haven't read anything so complex and well thought-out on fictionpress, well, ever! Your characters are so rich and likeable, and the plot is so utterly addicting. Not to mention how wonderfully your writing flows. After reading such a masterpiece, how will I ever be satisfied? These long chapters...oh how I love them. I laughed so often that people gave me weird looks, and I found myself rooting for Adrian and Sebastian to just get down and dirty right away. One of my favorite scenes was Jade and Sebastian's little "show". Oh how I wished I was Sanna then...anyways, thank you for blessing us with such a magnificent work! I definitely need to check out your other fics, as soon as I catch up on the sleep I've missed in the past two days, heh.
NormaJean Beausoleil chapter 28 . 4/20/2012
yay! i LOVED it. mmmhmmm! great job. thanks for sharing!
A.J. Saunders chapter 30 . 4/19/2012
This story was extremely well written. The plot was creative and unique; the characters were developed well and easy to relate to and the setting was very well thought out.

There were twists in the plot that were genuinely surprising. It takes a lot for a plot point to really surprise me. An example is that the little servant boy ended up being the son of the emperor. I'll admit that at the start of the story I DID think that the little servant boy would have a more important role, but by the end of the story I had totally forgotten about it and I was like OHH! XD Also, I did not expect Sebastian to have a curse on him as well! After his mother said that there was another who was cursed I straight away clicked and knew that it would be sebastian, but before that point I hadn't even considered it. I was also surprised by the fact that one of the major reasons the Crowned Jewel was established was for the benefit of Sebastian; despite the fact that a story I'm currently writing has an extremely similar plot twist (Except in my story it was a school was established for the purpose of the main character, rather than a brothel... XD) The fact that the plot had so many unexpected twists is excellent, and I hope that you can continued to think of such inventive plots in the future. :)

The characterisation in the story was excellent. Also, the backstories of the characters were awesome. Plus your writing style really allowed the readers to get insight into the thoughts of the characters, and really let us sympathise with them. This helped to make them relatable. :)

Anyway, all in all this was a great story! Can't wait to read the sequel/side-story thing. Lime Jade was one of my favourite characters in the story, so I can't wait to see more of him! :)
NormaJean Beausoleil chapter 27 . 4/14/2012
"So I would rather not inflict another such tale upon you. I am no master storyteller. I am only someone very foolish, whom you profess to love despite all odds, and who cares for you very much, who wildly desires to have you at his side this day and every we can manage henceforth. That is why I wish to marry you."

a most marvelous and brilliant line. way to flex your writer's muscle! yaowza!

*sigh* what a wonderful novel. this chapter needed to be split into at least three, though. great job. i love it more with each paragraph.
NormaJean Beausoleil chapter 25 . 4/12/2012
omg yes! i love how you twist, turn, pull, flip, and then regurgitate the plot! well, maybe regurgitate is a bit crude, but entirely meant as a compliment!

thank you also for responding to my previous reviews. one day, i want to set up an e-publishing firm where writers get 100% of the profits of their stories, and you will be among the first i solicit to publish there!

alas, i have my own writing to work on currently (mostly published as fanfiction at the ffnet sister-site, feel free to read. "he's gone away" has been particularly popular lately. none of my completed stories exhibit nearly the amount of craft-work yours does, but hopefully "art academy" whenever i finish it, will hold a very meager candle to your work...but i digress.)

anyway, thanks for sharing this refreshing and exuberant piece! sometimes, i feel like i might be getting to a point where i put it down, but then you pull something completely better out of your imagination's hat. bravo! *tosses you cookies for writing stamina*
NormaJean Beausoleil chapter 19 . 4/10/2012
ugh! so close!
NormaJean Beausoleil chapter 16 . 4/10/2012
lovely story. i wish you would publish it one day.
NormaJean Beausoleil chapter 11 . 4/9/2012
poor foolish viper!
NormaJean Beausoleil chapter 5 . 4/8/2012
"manners like a prince" *chuckles*

a little more elucidation of how the black viper mask bewitches the wearer would be helpful. and, i forget, do other workers at the brothel wear similar masks?
NormaJean Beausoleil chapter 3 . 4/8/2012
lolz. "and i went to go see mother about a dragon"

i hope we get some expository flashback to illuminate sebastian's family life, especially his relationship with his mother.

thanks for sharing!
Samy chapter 8 . 2/1/2012
You have a good storyline, some developing characters and talent that shows promise. You need an editor or Beta or whatever you call it. Writers cannot edit their own work easily or competently. After a few sentences, you begin to see the words and phrases you expect to see there, not what is written.

For example, this sentence should have been culled down and sharpened, maybe even made into two sentences:

"When Adrian's back suddenly stiffened and the knuckles on his hands whitened, I did not need the sensing ring I had once again donned to go black to tell me I had just wandered onto dangerous grounds, and I wracked my brain frantically to figure out what to do next."

You show writing skills but I'd suggest you skip the comments at the end and work on the chapters more. Don't use the comments to explain what you meant but didn't get into the story. Rewrite and get it into the story.

Now it sounds like I don't like your story, but I do. I also think you need to hone your skills. Stop relying on the em dash, the long involved sentences and the slightly incorrectly used words. Of course, that assumes that you want to be a better writer. It might be that you don't care.

You're wordy. Vary the length of your sentence. Find yourself a friendly but critical editor. The good things said about your story are correct. I've read stories of yours. I really don't understand why you want to use the comments as almost a "footnote" to each chapter.
OnceUponAFeudalFairytale chapter 30 . 1/21/2012
This was awesome! I liked it.
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