|Reviews for Intrigue At The Crowned Jewel|
| Sfinks chapter 1 . 9/6/2010
Uh, I'm not leaving a real review although this really is a great story (planning to read it again). Anyway to Crystalynn, you might need to read the story again. It seems like you have completely misunderstood some of the key parts of the plot. For example, you were confused why Lav had seen only one chicken, that might cause Sebastian harm, not two. And her premonitions were supposed to always come true. But the point was - it wasn't real. It was something that Sebastian had planned to happen - and Lav just helped him with it. They knew Victor would 'attack'.
..damn I hope I remembered that right. Anyway, maybe there is too much action in the last chapters, since it's kind of hard to keep track exactly what happened.
| Cyra chapter 28 . 9/1/2010
truly great story : the chara, the mystery were well and surprising. I found the last 2 chapters a bit long but it must be because with the mystery resolved I felt the story was finished.
Thanks for sharing such a good story
| Crystalynn chapter 26 . 8/31/2010
Okay, I think I was in a foul mood the last time I reviewed this story. So please let me apologize now if there were any hurt feelings.
I was very sick, at the time, and rereading it now, think my tone was too harsh. Maybe Pneumonia just does that to people.
Anyway, I liked this previous chapter, but wonder a few things.
1. How can seb and Adrian get married? Being the king, he will be expected to produce an heir to the throne. This is something Seb cannot do. Even if he took sex change pills, wouldn't it cause harmful affects if he took them for 9 months straight? And then what happens if the baby comes out female? 9 more months of sex change pills. And then it'll be Seb bleeding out of his face due to side effects of using too much magic.
Also, why did Adrian not realize who CR was WAY back when Seb gave him that book? He read the book, and there was a whole chapter on her, so shouldn't he have known already?
As for rewriting the story, I'm all for you posting it as an entirely separate identity. That way you can repost it with the new name you choose and posting one chapter at a time will keep it in the "new chapters" section and therefore get you more readers/reviewers!
New readers is always a plus, especially when (as is in your case) the author actually deserves them!
I don't know if you've ever wandered over to , but i did recently and was horrified to find that some very terrible writers were stealing away with hundreds of reviews on their drivel! Reviews like "this is great!" or some such nonsense. It made me angry to think that people could just leech off of a fandom's insane popularity and get more fanfare for writing that didn't deserve it!
Meanwhile there are so many good writers with unique and highly researched stuff, like yourself, who deserve at LEAST 1,0 reviews and don't yet have them!
That really burns my biscuits. I shall therefore have to tell all of my friends to come read and review the Jewel once it is reposted. I want to see you famous one day. Hear your name on television. Because I truly think that you deserve it.
| Crystalynn chapter 20 . 8/30/2010
Okay, constructive criticism time!
I think your diverge into the "unreliable narrator" is a bit bumpy. I don't see why Seba was under the spell from the beginning but started showing the symptoms so late! When he actually started showing them, it didn't seem like foreshadowing. Rather, it seemed that he was simply behaving out of character and was a bit annoying rather than exciting. His adoration of Adrian is normal at first, for instance. When he is pretending to be Rose for the very first time he is not acting spelled. He sees Adrian's face and doesnt fall madly in love but instead has to pretend he doesn't mind the scarring. I find that... just strange. Since Lav went to the trouble to tell him "when you see my tears the first man who sees you falls in love."
I think Seba should have started showing his symptoms right off the bat. As it stands, they begin too late in the story and just make him seem annoyingly OOC. Perhaps he could start the first time he comes in contact with the dragon? That would be more easy on the reader and also would not give too much away. The reader would think "wow, that dragon has some pretty powerful magic" while in reality the dragon didn't do any magic, she was just standing too close to seba and caused sideaffects of his lovespell to start showing.
Anyway, onto fake foreshadowing.
At one particular point I remember being very misled by some of the foreshadowing. And this again ties into my belief that seba's symptoms show up too late in the story. He does not begin to remember "when you see my tears" until AFTER he has kissed Adrian! When he kissed Adrian, Adrian cried about it, so it makes it look as if Adrian has cursed Seba! Then, Seba gets attacked, wakes up in the hospital and the first man who sees him AKA Jade winds up kissing him! I was very thrown off by that. I kept thinking "okay, so now Jade will be in love with Seba?"
In this way you've put no foreshadowing before the actual love spell and fake forshadowing where there is no love spell.
Another time the foreshadowing misled me was when Lav told Seb to stay away from chickens. Shortly after she says this, he runs into Adrian(who is dressed like a bird), acts very OOC in getting drunk, and then royally screws up their date. At the end of that chapter i was thinking "Oh, so Adrian was the chicken! How clever!" But then Viktor shows up and attacks Seba. At this point I was shocked, which is good, but somewhat slopily so, since i was thinking "so wait, why didn't she say there were two chickens?" if Lav's visions are so unclear, shouldn't they have shown both the white birds? And on another note, why did Cameo need to tell Viktor how to find Seba if he was a hired hand and should therefore already know where to find him? That chapter also gives rise to a sharp change in genre. For the next 3-4 chapters it's nothing but angst, angst, angst. I felt sorry for Seba, to the point of annoyance like "okay, i get that his life is ruined, now when is he gonna stop blubbering?"
Shortly afterwards, he makes a promise to himself to try to be more cheerful. I was so relieved to hear that. But then i found that that change also happened too suddenly. You'd think that after curling up crying on the floor he'd be a little more embarrased about bathing naked with Adrian or exposing himself to the whole group of seconds. Why'd Lav, Diamond and CR put him through that? Why didn't they just insist he absolutely could not work after he woke in the hospital. I think it was pretty unpleasant to have CR reinstate him, only for Seba to have to take himself off the roster later. (considering he decided to meet with Adrian illegaly many times after that anyway XD)
Also, in chapter 20 we finally get the full version of Lavendar's spell, which is "When you see my tears, the next man who sees you falls in love. When you see my tears, the next man who sees you see you fall in love."
I don't understand the second line. Am I just stupid or is it a typo? There's an "s" missing right? That threw me off pretty badly while i was trying to sort things out. It sounds like the love spell has been put onto Adrian but not Viper.
Also, what was with the whole spiel about Seba 'dying'? why didn't he even look/act like he was ill? There was mention of nausea, but not enough to foreshadow that it was because he was part fairy. Was his father aware of the love spell or not? It seems like he wasn't. But how could he tell then that Seba was 'dying drop by drop'? I think I would have liked to see him show symptoms of this 'dying'. That way CR could have revealed the truth for the sake of Seba's health, rather than just blurting it out in response to his curiosity.
Okay, that's all I had to say. I hope that I am not the only one who had such thoughts and that my words can be somehow helpful. I don't know. I just feel a bit cheated, like the story just suddenly changed genre on me and therefore became less likeable. Furthermore, it depresses me that Seba's feelings for Adrian were nothing but a spell. Seems like everything was just a lie now, and I'm not even sure if I should be happy or not if Adrian decides to forgive him. After all, Seba might not even truly care for Adrian. :(
| FallenWindRider chapter 28 . 8/28/2010
I must say I'm impressed! This has been one of the best written stories I've read on this site a true gem. I loved the quirky way Sebastion thought as himself and the other identities. My favourite characters by far were Lime Jade and Gentle Oak because they were too entertaining. "Welcome to the fuckin' family!" made me almost fall off my chair in hysterics
I have a couple comments though after my praise haha.
I didn't like Brown Fawn, her character felt very peculiar almost flat. I suppose that might have been the intent but I was not fond of her or her overt knowledge.
So Diamond is a werewolf? I found that little tip to be rather abrupt for there was no hinting at her heritage at all until one chapter suddenly poof I'm a puppy! Unlike Lavender whom the reader is reminded several times who she heralds from. I would have thought that because those two are so close to Seb that both would be mentioned that way or like Diamond in where he simply doesn't register.
In one of the Author ANs you asked if there was anything that was left hanging although you caught two of my three (The unopened letter to BV and Fawn's riddle) I am greatly disappointed in the one that I was hoping to show up didn't. Neither Seb or Sarrin flew and that was somewhat unexpected especially with the cliff scenes with Seb and Adrian. You did mention after revealing flight that it was little needed at the Jewel however it would have been an interesting twist. Perhaps you made the story better by not flowing into that temptation but I would have liked it anyways haha.
| MK16 chapter 29 . 8/28/2010
Wow, i simply adored this story :)
The language they speak, and the culture.. AWESOMESAUCE
I loved how well woven the plot was, stories with confusing secrets and unexpected truths always interest me the most.
This should be a book !
Extremely well written, i loved it!
| Crystalynn chapter 12 . 8/24/2010
You know, I was actually suspecting that Adrian represented the chicken Lav was warning about. The whole time I read ch 11 I was thinking "No you idiot dont drink around HIM of all people!"
I can't really explain why but I thought the whole alphabet alcohol game was OOC for Seba. Not that I would know better than you, but it did throw me off. He'd never mentioned liking alcohol before. And I was under the impression that his mask helped calm his nerves, so I was also shocked that he couldn't even move when he spotted Adrian at the party. But maybe that had something to do with the curse?
So boys cant resist kissing Adrian? Well that would explain his female workers. I'm not sure why Adrian had to go and actually cry just cuz yet another guy kissed him. XD What a baby.
| Zethoa chapter 28 . 8/22/2010
FINISHED! At long last!
Quite a good story. That said, a bit of a review. Bits of the plot were unstable (For example, why didn't anyone try to jump Sebastian's bones pre-wedding? He was maskless and... unfucked, for lack of a better word.) Also, a few scenes were a bit... off. (The wedding bits confused me, as did the scene acted out between Jade and Sebastian. It felt strange to me.) That said, I loved the characters (flawed characters are the best. In existance. Ever.), and read this story with a slightly deranged fanaticism.
Thanks for the great read!
| Crystalynn chapter 6 . 8/22/2010
You asked about unlikeable characters? XD Well I beg to differ about what actions are irredeemable! I actually had a character rape his boyfriend, and in the end still had people cheer when they stayed together!
Now that I think about it, I realize he never outright apologized for what he'd done! It is a bit baffling, looking back and thinking about it now, but while writing/reading the story it makes perfect sense. He'd always been rather violent and unpredictable. He was very possessive and had warned the boyfriend "not to play with fire." So I think in many ways the reader KNEW what was going to happen, but it was still shocking nonetheless. It was painful and it made your heart ache to see him hurt like that.
But I think it was also necessary. It drew a line. Only at that point were the two truly aware of just how sour their relationship had turned. Only then did they realize that something needed to change, immediately.
I loved the boy who got raped. I felt horrible for him, and had to explain many times that even though I am the writer, I can't truly control what happens in the story. But at the same time, looking back, I still would not change it for anything in the world.
| Zethoa chapter 16 . 8/21/2010
HOLY CRAP THIS IS GOOD. I'm still in the process of reading but wanted to take a break to compliment you on an awesome story! (Yes, I sat down and read 16 chapters in one sitting. My brain hurts.) Continuing on!
| Turn on the Light chapter 29 . 7/28/2010
I don't think you'd be too pleased to marry me, either. Ahem, moving on!
Well, I'm glad about the sex scenes, or rather lack there of unnecessary ones. Contrary to popular belief, you just made me a very happy fan girl. You do not need sex to move forward with a plot! Which is quite ironic, it being a brothel and all that jazz.
Well, keeping the reader guessing is a great tactic to avoid clichés, so do what you must. Either way, I'm sure it'll be just as great, if not more.
I don't think, no matter how hard he tried, that people can still think of Jade as straight. It doesn't add up anymore. Not that anyone at the Jewel seems to be strictly straight, well besides Blue Moon, as far as I know. And be sure, that thanks to Sebastion, I will be asking every guy with that name if he has a snake tattoo leading to his... ahem... 'prized possession'. Or any gay guy for that matter. I'd be damned if I did find one, though. I think Sebastion gave a whole new meaning to the pick-up line "wanna see my anaconda?" Oh yes...
I always find that minor characters become my favorites. I do have so much love for Sebastion (and Adrien!) though! I'm glad to hear there will be more of them.
As for the names, I find I really had no trouble remembering them, mind you, I am a ditz and can't remember things I did the day before... They left such an extravagent mark that it'd be hard not to. I even remember what Red Ivy looks like! Well, mostly what he wore for the Hollowed Night party, but I remember his hair color. Long red locks and without the magic to maintain it, it turns into a choppy and short black color. Am I right?
So um, yeah, I would rather you leave the names as they are. They give the characters... character. Uh, yeah, I can't come up with another word...
And I wonder if you'll introduce more? Maybe the person who blurted 'orange' when picking colors for Sebastion to wear that day? I had to stop reading for awhile just to picture how the person looked. But, this is all up to you. Whatever you'd like to do is okay with me, so long as I get to read the final product.
- Remember: Turn on the Light!
| Turn on the Light chapter 28 . 7/25/2010
As I've reach the end of this magnificent fairy tale, I don't think you know how much I love you right now. So much in fact is my love that I feel compelled to ask you to marry me if it wouldn't be so terribly, terribly awkward, not to mention illegal.
And I (might?) have succesfully creeped you out, to my dearest apologies. It seems I have unconciously been trying (and failing) to imitate your style of writing as I go through this review. I think it has become my goal since I first started reading this a few months back to try and come up to par with your writing. Not even lying there. Lets just hope I go back to my own style instead of a cheap imitation of yours.
It took me about three months to finish this, three blissful months I do not regret. I went as far as printing out the lenghty chapters at every chance just to be able to read it. I have up to chapter 26(?) tucked secretly into my nightstand.
I love Jade. He and Cameo have become my favorite characters. For awhile I though (hoped?) that maybe one of them would end up with Sebastian, but of course a treasure hunter (for he was no thief!) had already stolen his heart. It was unbearably sweet. And your female cast, I applaud you for. Honestly, every other slash story hates the females for some odd reason or another, and I am glad you took a different, intellectual approach to it instead.
You do not fathom how many times I have thought "why!" when reading this, to a varied array of situations. I couldn't help smiling through it all, even breaking my rule of not reading smut to go through the rather awkward for me sex scenes, still smiling so broadly I thought my face would break. Especially, with the small quirks you add in. Lavender and Cameo? Oh my, that was a quiet laughing fit. And the kiss between Adrien and Jade? I was shocked into laughter and now my sides hurt. You have a mastery of making the impossible possible, making my head hurt from trying to understand where I went wrong in a particular part I thought something much different would happen, but enjoying it none the less. I wish I could say something so much more satisfying, but I am at a loss for words right about now. I became so very attached to your characters, dreading every bit I came closer to the end, yet welcoming it with open arms. I can almost cry, honestly. And if you do publish this (oh, please tell me you will!) I will make sure to buy the first copy I see and reading it over and over again, heart still clenching after every gut wrenching sentence. You deserve every bit of praise you get, and so much more! After all the crap I had to sort through to come upon this masterpiece, you deserve much more than I can give you through this measly review. But that's just me, and maybe I'm sounding so overly dramatic because it's two in the morning, but I won't take back a word of it! If only I didn't sound so foolish!
Ah, just some things I'd like to question that leave me confused. The Jade sexuality thing! I thought he only catered to female patrons, yet every time he has a patron, it's gender is always male. Well, except that one (two, I belive) time. And that was it. And that tattoo on Sebastion... I'm incredibly bad at reading between the lines for fear of being wrong, but um, it really leads to... "little Sebastion" as I shall so immaturely put it? Actually, now that I think about it, I remember before when I shouted to no one in particular that Gentle Oak was my favorite. In the little parts he IS in, I find myself reading it over and over loving his bluntness and "getleness". Is he ever going to make any bigger appearances? Sorry my train of thought seems so... trippy, for lack of a better word, but again, it's two A.M. And I have the attention span of crack-cocaine. And uh, I guess this is the end of my review, in tears as I come to face the fact that I will no longer eagerly await every day to read this. That marriage proposal is still on the table, by the way.
[No it's not.]
And now, I will childishly scamper of to read all your other stories I have had the misfortune of NOT stumbling upon them already.
Keep on doing what you do best, whatever that may be, and have a wonderful day. And I stil love you for this. With everything I have in my stomach, I love you. _ Because that is not creepy at all...
-Just remember: Turn on the Light~!
| accountkiller12323142341234 chapter 16 . 6/17/2010
Your story reminds me of Fantomina, I was wondering if you have read it before
| naraka chapter 29 . 5/22/2010
wow, this story was amazing! it was genius! I liked how you made the magic and the creatures combine with the brothel, it's a rare thing to see, specially in a story where the reason why such place was created is totally different from what people would guess. I never expected that to happen but Adrian and Black Viper were my favorite characters from the start. Although Myrn, his father, has a close place behind, because even if the man is ruthless without Sebastian's mother nearby, he was a protecting father, that tried to help his son indirectly, he might not show many emotions but I like him all the same.
The plot was fantastic, when I started reaching chapter 20 and the mass confrontation happened, Seba finally discovered the real truth, which made me stunned O_O I wish I could write something like this!
this is really a good story, every little detail was working towards the climax and the reunion of the main characters, I couldn't ask for more! this has little details, like the gardens, the different outfits, the spells and Sebastian's multiple characters, which created an unique fic, I gotta see your other stories!
| Raiya-shi chapter 28 . 5/13/2010
I loved this this story! Thank you so much for uploading and writing it!~ IT WAS SO AWESOME and had a very satisfying ending no real loose ends (real as in you could have a sequel to cover what will happen when they come to power, but it's not really a loose end just me hoping since it was so good I don't want it to end, and yet still loved the ending XD)THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR THE AMAZING TALE AGAIN! Hopefully it will not be the last I read of your superb writing!~ (though you do have other stories, I admittedly like to wait for them to have a good amount of chapters before I read them... usually sometimes I get too excited XD) THANK YOU AGAIN! LOVED IT! *leaves goodies as thanks*