Reviews for Bus
mussed chapter 1 . 4/21/2012
I think there are two types of work here on fictionpress, the ones that need all the suggestions and reviews it can get and ones that you take as they are.

For me, this one is of the latter.

What I liked about this is the way it gives the reader a sense of being there on the bus along with the two because of the way it is told. In my opinion, it doesn't need a lot of description about the bus or people there because frankly, it would ruin the whole point.

Just, UGH. Sorry, I can't help it.

Let me put it this way (and try to explain what I'm going on about), it's like a window where you're given a brief glimpse of the people inside and what they're doing. You get to see what's happening and that's it. No need for fanfare and dramatic turn of phrases because that's the beauty of the window, you get to be there for a short time and that's that. Don't you just love the anonymity? Ok, that sounded like something a stalker would say...

I'm glad that you left it as it is. Well anyway, this is what I think and I seriously hope I haven't come across as a crazy person.
Frozen.by.Sloth chapter 1 . 6/30/2009
Oh my god I actually love this very very very much. Uncontrollably silly in my liking it. :) Sweet, really.
Weeping Duck chapter 1 . 1/25/2009
Aw, reading this made me jealous. I want a bus to meet adorable strangers on.

For such a short piece, I enjoyed it very much. I think the little bits of information about the girl (being tired, looking exhausting, being too late for breakfast, etc.) make the character quite endearing. Every college student should be able to relate to her (though I'd be jealous - again - of any that can't).

Anyway, I really liked this! It was very cute!
effervescent-sentiments chapter 1 . 12/22/2008
Minor grammatical errors that detract a bit from the story - I'd suggest getting a beta reader from this site: w. perfectimagination. only without the spaces, obviously.

Totally sweet - but I don't like the word "poo." To be honest, to me, it sounds like a worse word than the "bad word" version, so if you're not adverse to use the "bad word" I'd use it, especially since it sounds like your characers are supposed to be mature.

I'd suggest adding some more imagery - use your senses. How does the bus smell? Is the guy scruffy, does he need to blow his nose? Who's around them? What does the sky look like, what's the weather? Et cetera, et cetera.

This is cute, but it could be really beautiful.

Thanks for your sweet review on The Goodbye Train!

Effervescent-Sentiments
its.Nothing.Special chapter 1 . 7/6/2008
If you'd allow me to borrow (steal and never give back) your words, I have an unexplainable affection for this piece. Only it's more than strangers' babies and cute fluffy kittens...more like strangers' babies with their diapers soiled and cute fluffy kittens that look like the prettiest poos I've ever seen.

Gah, I loved this!

Brought a smile to my face. SEE? (-points to cheeks-) THANK YOU MUCHLY for posting it. I can just see this scene unfolding in a movie, or play, or outside my house. I adore your work!

;)becky

P.S. Thanks for the review way back when. IT ROCKED. WHICH IS WHY I QUOTED IT.
Written chapter 1 . 6/8/2008
what a sweet, quick piece! I love how relateable it is; so everyday, but still wonderful. and, of course, cute.

Love the use of present tense for this short bit too. Keeps everything really immediate :)

enjoyed this a lot! keep writing.
LaCharlatan chapter 1 . 2/25/2008
A very well written short story. It made me want to know what happened next...so...what *did* happen next? (kidding)

I really did like it and if I must give "constructive criticism", it'd only be that at times, the sentences seemed to run on. It could be just me-I'm new and not very good at this "concrit" thing, but believe you me, it didn't take away from the story.
Hopeless Daydreamer chapter 1 . 2/20/2008
I loved the guy's answer to her question. It made me laugh.

Very cute story :D
WeAreBroken chapter 1 . 2/20/2008
cute, and so ordinarly. Nice job.
BluePillow chapter 1 . 2/20/2008
How cute!